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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband and lie in

25 replies

milesandmiles · 23/12/2018 08:13

Please tell me if IABU because I really don't think I am but happy to listen to opinions.

We have 3DC all under school age. DH works full time sometimes long hours and travelling but not so much lately. Our youngest still doesn't sleep through she is nearly one (I have done all the night feeds since the start)

What has annoyed me is this weekend.

Our DC get up early usually around 6 and I always get up and take them downstairs. During the week he has work but can easily lie in bed until 8.00am.

Yesterday they woke up about 6.30 and i take them downstairs. He wanders down at about 8.30 after I have done breakfasts etc.

Last night he went out but was driving (this is relevant because he hasn't got a hangover or anything just had a late night) this morning the kids got up at 6.30 and he is annoyed that I made him take them downstairs so I could shower in peace. He managed to lie in bed for another 20 minutes after they woke up so no chance of me going back to sleep. He even said how would you like it if I did this when you went out? Well 1)chance would be a fine thing and 2) we have kids that's part of the job!

So tell me. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ZsaZsaMc · 23/12/2018 08:15

Not unreasonable. I went out last night and got up this morning at 6.30am because it was my ‘turn’

Lemoneeza · 23/12/2018 08:16

Yanbu. It would be fair if you had one lie in each at the weekend.

Birdsgottafly · 23/12/2018 08:17

It should have been talked about in advance, how he was going to fit in a late night and do his share.

Are you a SAHM?

What was the agreement before the last baby around how he could practically support you?

gimmeadoughnut123 · 23/12/2018 08:17

YANBU. Why is the expectation that you always do it? We used to take it in turns with the dog (still do actually when needed) let alone kids.

Doje · 23/12/2018 08:17

Not unreasonable. He could have asked to do yesterday's morning shift if he wanted a l lie in this morning.

Why are you showering and not in bed?

user1498572889 · 23/12/2018 08:19

He is just being a typical selfish bloke. It doesn’t matter what you say he wont see it from your perspective. Next time he is home for the day go out and leave him with all three. My kids are grown up now but whenever my husband talks about when the kids were small (through rose coloured glasses) I remind him of what an asshole he used to be.😁

Original poster

milesandmiles · 23/12/2018 08:22

Yes I am a SAHM so do majority of things for the DC. He does help with bath time but pretty much everything else I do.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 23/12/2018 08:24

YANBU - one lie in each is fair.

I would however have swapped them around so he got the lie in after he went out.

TulipsInbloom1 · 23/12/2018 08:27

You need to both plan weekend lie ins. Dh and I get one each. No negotiating.

Original poster

milesandmiles · 23/12/2018 08:27

@JacquesHammer would have gladly done that but it never occurred to me that a late night (meaning around 1ish) when you haven't been drinking would be a big deal?

OP posts:

Original poster

milesandmiles · 23/12/2018 08:28

@TulipsInbloom1 last time we tried to do that he got annoyed and said no one has a lie in. Fine by me I don't mind getting up early as it's part of having young DC but he always seems to end up having a lie in while I seem to always miss out.

OP posts:

Fireballfriends · 23/12/2018 08:31

My god woman, your husband has it made! I have 3 kids, the youngest is 1. Before I went back to work, I got up at night, husband got up in morn and did breakfast. Not cos he's amazing, he's just a decent human being and that suited us both. It did require some firm words from me at one point but it's called being a parent and doing your fair share?!!! You deserve a lie-in AND a shower in peace sometimes. Make sure you get one.

Original poster

milesandmiles · 23/12/2018 08:33

@Fireballfriends I could bet my car that the DC will not have head breakfast when I go downstairs

OP posts:

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 23/12/2018 08:38

I agree with PP that you should be agreed in advance. Maybe one lie in each at a weekend and the other person takes the kids down straight away so they can actually go back to sleep.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 23/12/2018 08:39

And when it's his turn with the kids he has to get their breakfast, make sure they stay downstairs etc. Not fall asleep on the sofa while they roam the house and eventually wake you up!

mortifiedmama · 23/12/2018 08:40

YANBU. Once we (and it was we, I stopped and DH dealt with 3 nights of screaming) night weaned DH and I have taken night shift in turn. Night shift starts once DC is in bed and ends when DC wakes for the day. It ends by the person doing night shift getting up with DC. So the other gets a lie in if it's weekend.

We'll occasionally swap, such as if one of us is on a night out or had a job interview/ court the next day or if we're really really ill.

It's totally unfair to never get a lie in!

DeepanKrispanEven · 23/12/2018 08:46

He even said how would you like it if I did this when you went out?

Point out that he does it to you regularly when you have been up during the night with the youngest. In terms of the amount of sleep you get, I doubt that there's any difference.

EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 08:46

YANBU.

You need to be much more assertive.
A lie in until 8.00am on a working day??
And then some more at the weekend?

Nope sorry, not in world.

As for not even bothering to prepare breakfast for them.... why? Is it that preparing breakfast is beneath him or doe she think he has a maid to do it for him and that her job? (In which case the maid is, of course, you....)

LookAtFrostyGo · 23/12/2018 09:01

YANBU. I'm a SAHM with a hard working, long hours, DH. I lie in on sat, he lies in on sunday. unwritten rule is anything up to 9am is fine (DC up at 6.30).

If one of us is going out or its mothers/fathers day we swap so the right person gets the lie in that day.

Whoever is on that morning does breakfast/dishwasher/washing up, makes sure DC stay quiet not to disturb sleeping parent and gets the tea/coffee for the lie in person when they come down.

not only is it fair its just caring and considerate to your spouse to share!

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 23/12/2018 09:02

You should be splitting the lie ins, unless perhaps one party is doing a lot of night feeds with broken sleep and therefore may need both. Or illness, particularly funky shifts, things like that. But otherwise, one each.

If he wants one after he's been out drinking that's reasonable, but in that case he ought to have been clear to you that he wanted Sunday morning so he'd be getting up on Saturday. What he doesn't get to do is leave you to get up early on Saturday morning, then be kicking off about not getting a lie in on Sunday too.

Ninoo25 · 23/12/2018 09:21

YANBU, just because you are a SAHP doesn’t mean you that you shouldn’t get a lie in. If his night out was planned I think he’s being very unreasonable. If getting up after a night out, he should have asked to swap lie in days with you. Especially if you get up earlier than him during the week anyway and get up with the kids in the night.
My DH does the letting the kids scream and shout and run around for 20 mins before taking them downstairs thing on days that it’s his turn and it makes my blood boil, as he knows I find it hard to go back to sleep after he’s done that.

Birdsgottafly · 23/12/2018 09:31

Has he recently changed, what was he like with your other two?

As asked, what has been the agreement before the last Baby was planned?

Is this out of character because its Christmas.

PlaymobilPirate · 23/12/2018 09:35

Set a new rule and be serious about it.

He gets Saturday lie in, you get Sunday. You can swap if someone is on a night out but otherwise set it in stone. The person who gets up sorts breakfast and watches the kids until xx agreed time.

Don't argue - just state it as fact. You are as important as him.

Original poster

milesandmiles · 23/12/2018 12:16

Thanks everyone for your input you are right I need to get tough although part of me thinks a grown man shouldn't need me to spell it out that it isn't fair but I will do because he clearly does!

OP posts:

WWlOOlWW · 23/12/2018 12:25

My ex and I used to take it in turns. One slept in on Saturday the other on Sunday.

We used to take our DS out by 8am-12pm to let the other one sleep in until what ever time they wanted.

Your DH is selfish.

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