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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that you should make an effort for Christmas?

28 replies

jubbablub · 22/12/2018 22:30

For background, I’m 13 weeks post c section and have had a pretty complicated start to parenting. It has been a really rough three months.

SIL and the PILs are arriving tonight for Christmas at our house. They all live a 4-5 hour drive away. They weren’t supposed to arrive until Christmas Eve. That is a bit infuriating as we’ve been running around trying to organise bedding today.

SIL has just made a comment about how little effort she has made with her Christmas shopping. She has been out this morning for an hour and just bought stuff. She’s not even sure who is going to get what gift wise. I’m not sure she has got her current DP a gift at all.

I’ve spent so much time and effort and money organising Christmas Day, ordering the food, getting presents, sorting out alternative foods for FIL who is a fussy eater, making sure that we have the specific things that SIL likes.

AIBU to think it’s weird to acknowledge how much effort me and DH have put into organising Christmas with a baby, whilst boasting about how little you’ve put in?

OP posts:
FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 22/12/2018 22:33

YANBU. I don't think people should have to spend a lot but since you're having to put so much effort into hosting she could have at least got you something thoughtful.

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 22:33

if she's proud of the fact that she's doing nothing for her hosts, that's bizarre.

they're arriving tonight - you are not in the UK I guess? But arriving 2 days early is really annoying too, what's that about? Sounds rude generally.

Purpleartichoke · 22/12/2018 22:36

She is basically saying that she doesn’t care about any of you. Thoughtful gifts, not expensive, thoughtful are a key way to show people you have spent the time and mental effort to select a gift.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2018 22:37

She's not boasting though is she, she's just being honest by the sound of it.

Some people do get in a muddle with gift shopping and some have to wait til the last minute because that's what their finances dictate.

I'd let it go, they're only presents.

Hopefully they'll muck in with the cooking/washing up etc. That'd mean more to me than any gift.

Original poster
jubbablub · 22/12/2018 22:55

No. I’m in the UK. I don’t understand why they have all decided to land tonight. PILs have a dog which doesn’t get on with our dog and is as high as a kite.

I was getting so stressed on Wednesday as MIL is just incapable of taking the initiative and I just knew I was going to be left cooking dinner whilst MIL “helped” with the baby (held him and passed him back when he cried), so I got DH to tell MIL in no uncertain terms that I am not cooking the whole of Christmas dinner. I want to enjoy my baby’s first Christmas.

OP posts:
Grace212 · 22/12/2018 23:00

wow

you and DH need to learn to say "no" I think!

of course you want to enjoy - you need to allocate chores tomorrow. Or tonight....jeez, I'm a late one but I wouldn't want guests rocking up after 11pm unless there was a good reason for it...like people staying because they were at an event nearby and couldn't get home or whatever.

set yourself up so they don't take the piss all xmas! in fact, your job is to look after your new baby. They can do the rest.

HollowTalk · 22/12/2018 23:00

I'm so sorry you've got to put up with them. Why did they think they could arrive early?

On Christmas Day I'd stay in bed with the baby, send the others to the pub and get your husband to cook the dinner.

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 23:02

HollowTalk "On Christmas Day I'd stay in bed with the baby, send the others to the pub and get your husband to cook the dinner."

good idea. or better still, go to the pub yourself OP ...rock up at dinner time Grin

YouTheCat · 22/12/2018 23:02

Why the hell did you agree to host in the first place?

I hope you are packing them all off on Boxing Day and don't do it again. Sounds hideous.

onlyonmumnet · 22/12/2018 23:04

If you are hosting why on earth would your MIL (who is a guest) need to be told that you aren't cooking? Surely that's between you and your husband? This is weird.

I think you shouldn't have invited them. For their sake tbh.

PersonaNonGarter · 22/12/2018 23:06

This is all ridiculous. Why are you hosting at 13wks post c-section? Why are they early? Why couldn’t they sort themselves out?

Frankly, your SIL shopping priorities are the least of your worries. I think you are I er-focussing in that. It isn’t on her to prioritise gifts if she doesn’t want to.

5foot5 · 22/12/2018 23:15

Make lists and delegate.

If they think it is OK to turn up at the home of someone with such a young baby and expect to be waited on and run after then they are CFs.

Tell them you are so glad they are here as with all of their help you can spend more time with your baby. Give DH the lists and time plans and get him to organise everyone. Maybe when they have had some experience of how much is involved they will be more appreciative

Original poster
jubbablub · 22/12/2018 23:17

We’re hosting because we felt like we couldn’t do all of the travelling to see family, so having them here was easiest. Now feeling like this was a huge mistake. PILs want to see baby at Christmas. I don’t want to travel. SIL refuses to have Christmas without her parents. I feel like since having my DS, I’ve started to realise how weird the dynamic in my DH’a family is.

What have I done!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jubbablub · 22/12/2018 23:19

@5foot5 I’m taking your advice. I’m going to make a list of what needs to be done when and stick it on the fridge then just hide with DS. Urgh. This is the first Christmas that I have genuinely dreaded.

OP posts:
Grace212 · 22/12/2018 23:20

no one should have to go doing crazy rounds so that someone can see the baby - or anyone else for that matter - on a particular day of the year.

it's all batshit.

obviously can't retract the invite now, but def do a chores list. Hand it over tomorrow morning and tell them if they want any chore swaps, they can sort it themselves.

they do sound crazy, what with the dog, the "I cba buying anything for my hosts" - turning up 2 days early. Def don't offer to host next year and don't offer to run around. People are so fixated on this one day, it's madness.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 22/12/2018 23:21

If you are hosting why on earth would your MIL (who is a guest) need to be told that you aren't cooking? Surely that's between you and your husband? This is weird.

Total rubbish. On Christmas day everyone pitches in - it's not like you invited them round for a dinner party. OP probably ended up hosting because they're the only ones with the space or their house is easy to get to not because she wanted to be a slave all day. Christmas dinner is loads of work especially with a new baby too - everyone pitches in.

CheshireChat · 22/12/2018 23:21

I think you need to assign chores to everyone and they need to muck in considering you have a newborn.

I got annoyed with my PIL as they made no effort for Christmas, yet layed the guilt on thick if we didn't want to go to dinner.

We did one year and we got buns, coleslaw and potato salad (shop bought!) with some turkey meat...

If you exchange the turkey for rotisserie chicken that's exactly what I get when I can't be arsed to cook!

CheshireChat · 22/12/2018 23:23

5foot5 thought of it first while I busy venting Wink

Awrite · 22/12/2018 23:29

You judge your sil for her lack of effort re gifts and your mil for not helping enough with the cooking.

How about expecting more/better of the men in your life?

Surely dh can arrange Christmas dinner with whichever of his family he chooses. You are post C-section and recovering.

Original poster
jubbablub · 22/12/2018 23:32

@FredFlinstoneMadeofbones We’re hosting as I don’t really want to do the hours of travel to PIL’s house and then hours in the other direction to visit my family.

Thanks everyone. I’m making a timeline when the online shop has arrived and just going to cuddle my lovely baby whilst eating stollen. I knew this was a batshit idea, but sometimes in the haze of post partum hormones and an oramorph fog, you agree to totally nonsense things!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jubbablub · 22/12/2018 23:34

@Awrite to be fair, my DH has been excellent at parenting and just wants to please his tricky family. Let’s not talk about my FIL’s attitude to cooking. I have literally never seen him make anything in the kitchen.

OP posts:
HollyandIvyarelivingitupagain · 22/12/2018 23:34

If family come for Christmas to me they askwhat they can do,veg peeled and chopped,table set,all dishes needed got out.Others do tge washing up after and polish off left over rosties and pigs in blankets.
We're staying with family this year and will offer our services,we're staying for 1 night so taking bedding too to save them doing loads of washing,we certainly wouldn't go too days early.
Make sure your DH does his share of hosting and cooking.

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 23:37

The FIL is a fussy eater and doesn't cook? Where's the eyeroll emoji?!

Original poster
jubbablub · 22/12/2018 23:39

@Grace212 One of those things where MIL doesn’t really eat and used to do the whole different dinners for everyone in the family when DH was a child. I can’t understand it.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 22/12/2018 23:40

Personally I think it's somewhat odd to invite everyone for Christmas dinner but have no actual plans on how the dinner will be made. Is your DH cooking?