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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Will I always have to be single?

17 replies

2manybiscuits · 22/12/2018 20:35

So I guess it's ok to post - I see many posts about sex - I Hate sex. I have been happily single for a few years now and maybe I should just accept that being single is better for me - unless I found a partner similar- but the chances of that are zero? Due to personal reasons and medical reasons - what happens to me. I dread having to have sex. I did try some counselling but that didn't help. I would much rather have a hot chocolate and biscuit than have to engage in sex with anyone. Someone close to me believes if I was with the Right person I would want to be intimate? I don't believe that to be true. I do think about getting myself back on the dating scene but AIBU and definitely shouldn't unless I somehow managed to meet someone who didn't like sex either? I hate kissing too. Due to allergies - depends what person has eaten can affect me and to me kissing = germs. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be in a relationship again but I have a lot of problems here maybe too many so better off just being happy and single. Guess I'm just waiting for posters to confirm that iabu thinking of dating and that i should stay single. Thankyou.

OP posts:

FBEH · 22/12/2018 20:37

I think you need to be upfront about it but if you find someone who matches why not. The wrong thing would be if you misled someone about it

PorpentinaScamander · 22/12/2018 20:39

I'd say you could date my ex. He also hated sex and kissing. But he was a cunt who I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! So maybe don't date him.

Santasshoe · 22/12/2018 20:42

We could go out I hate any sort of physical contact. I was in a relationship for 10yrs and just couldn't stand it. I have three kids though so that my put you off.

I have decided I'm spending the rest of my life single.

Write · 22/12/2018 20:42

Not at all OP! I bet if you were up front (if you meet online say, maybe not in the supermarket ) I think you’ll find many men similar!

Lots of men, especially as they get older, start getting issues with sex and I think lots of men would enjoy the pressure free life!

Original poster

2manybiscuits · 22/12/2018 20:58

Thankyou for your replies. I have been quite happy over the last few years looking after my 2 children and many times thought about dating but also aware of how I feel about sex being a problem and not wanting regular sex in a relationship. I have low confidence too. I have lost over 3 stones since earlier in the year so have been thinking more about getting back on the dating scene in the New Year but can't imagine anyone wanting someone like me. I don't want sex. I don't want someone's tongue down my throat I don't want my lips swelling up because of what they have eaten ( this happened a lot) and kissing = germs. Or is kissing = germs I guess another issue and problem? But I still think it would be nice to meet someone and be in a relationship. Thankyou.

OP posts:

Write · 22/12/2018 21:04

can't imagine anyone wanting someone like me
I would really recommend against dating while you’re feeling this way. Why don’t you embrace the new year as a self love year?
Do things that make you love yourself, yoga/meditation if that’s your bag? A class? Get out there and meet likeminded people and make new friends.

I know it’s so cliche but you should really love yourself first ( I know, puke!)

Write · 22/12/2018 21:05

Oh and well done on the weight loss! Amazing work!

MardyArabella · 22/12/2018 21:08

Asexualiity is a thing and there are asexual dating sites.

Don’t give up hope!

Thankssomuch · 22/12/2018 21:16

What do you want to do? You are not there to live up to anyone else’s expectations. They are not there to live up to yours. It’s about finding out what you want to do, how you want to live, and pursuing that (assuming it doesn’t harm anyone else). And for what it’s worth, a lot of people aren’t actually that into sex and especially kissing (in my experience, and to my knowledge) you are NOT alone!

showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 21:47

What do you want from a relationship? That's an important one for me as I try to puzzle what a non affectionate, non sexual relationship would be. I can understand no sex with other affection, kind of. But if it's just somebody to share space with, then you just want a good friend. Maybe I just don't understand.

Grumpos · 22/12/2018 21:47

Perhaps you could look towards dating sites or groups for A-sexuals (or just the less binary orientations than the standard straight / gay).

There’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t have romantic relationships or companionship without a sexual side if that’s what you want but it probably does mean that you’ll need to be a bit more ‘choosy’ - if that’s the right word? - about where you look for it.

PenelopeChipShop · 22/12/2018 21:53

There’s no reason whatsoever that you should pursue a relationship if you don’t want one. I’m also a single mum of two small kids and feel both similar and different to you - I don’t want a relationship as I’m not over my heartbreak but I miss sex a lot!

The answer for me has been casual dating leading to semi-regular hookups but i’m telling you this bc one of the men i’ve met online is not into sex at all - so he’s not really right for me clearly - but I was suprised to meet a guy who isn’t. But they are out there. I think it’s a case of being really honest and upfront. It might be harder to find someone who understands but I doubt it’s impossible.

I really do think there’s so much variety in the human condition that there is someone for everyone!

slashlover · 22/12/2018 21:54

You sound like a heteroromantic asexual (I'm aromantic asexual).

You could try checking out the forums on Aven at www.asexuality.org for more info and like minded people.

slashlover · 22/12/2018 21:56

Someone close to me believes if I was with the Right person I would want to be intimate? I don't believe that to be true.

They are talking rubbish BTW.

Original poster

2manybiscuits · 22/12/2018 22:14

Thankyou for your replies. I have thought about dating a lot and I do think I would like to meet someone but didn't know if iabu. I also have anxiety too which affects me - I struggle to eat / drink infront of people and feel like I will choke or spill my drink and food and look a right fool. I have always hated myself and have very low self esteem but have lost weight this year - and will continue to do so in the New Year too. I didn't know if how I feel about sex will be an issue and I should accept the single life. I think it would be nice to be in a relationship - but I'm thinking more now we definitely have to be matched - not mismatched when it comes to sex and I thought all men want to kiss - but I don't want a tongue down my throat. Is there something wrong with me? I do have allergies and that affects me and how I feel. Thankyou for your replies.

OP posts:

slashlover · 22/12/2018 22:20

There is nothing wrong with you. I have absolutely no desire for sex, and I never have. I don't want a relationship but it's perfectly fine if you do.

showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 22:22

Your eating/choking/spilling/allergies anxiety along with self-esteem issues say a lot IMHO. You need to somehow get yourself well before you consider dating. There's so much going on here, is there a common cause? You may have a clearer idea about what you want from a relationship once you're on the road to recovery.

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