In laws

[Bombaybunty]

I've just been for lunch with my in laws. It was our Christmas visit.
My mother died 2 weeks ago, the funeral is at the of the week.
Neither my MIL or FIL mentioned my mum once throughout the day. I don't expect them to be upset but a simple " I'm so sorry Bombay" would've been appreciated.
We generally have a good relationship, I don't like them but I polite and friendly whenever I see the.
Would I be unreasonable to never speak to them again?

That’s appalling! Did they even ask how you were?

I’m so sorry about your mum

Yabu. Maybe they thought you didn't want it brought up?

I wad on holiday with my in laws when my nan died and i am so pleased they didnXt mention anything as I didn't want to talk about it.

Yes yabu. Maybe they didn't want to upset you by bringing her up?

Did your husband warn them not to say anything? Had they spoken to you or dh since your mum died?

Op, Whilst not excusable I suspect they probably didn’t mention your mum in case they upset you. They were probably thinking - we’ll talk about other things.

Nothing anyone says to you right now will help but I do just want to offer you my condolences on the loss of your precious mum.

YABU. They no doubt felt awkward and dealt with it by being led by you and whether you talked about her. Sorry for your loss, it’s tough.

Sometimes people just don't know what to say. I'm so sorry your mum died, sincere condolences.

Maybe they didn't want to upset you by asking?

It,'s not U to expect a kind word or two. I think never speaking again is a little harsh, but understand you must be feeling very sensitive.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is truly awful.

I can totally empathise with your situation. My in Laws have never mentioned the loss of my father, he passed away a few years ago and like yours at the time they never acknowledged it in any way not even an I am sorry about.... My relationship with them was never the same afterwards.

Try not to think about it too much now though, you are in the midst of deep grief. It is a reflection of them and you have too much to deal with right now.

My PIL's reaction in my time of grief baffles me but they are very selfish and I think it just did not register with them as it did not effect them.

I hope that the funeral helps you and be kind to yourself now.

Yanbu - I get that some people don’t want to bring it up, but surely that’s something they can express after a friend or relative has said sorry for your loss or at the least how are you?

My friends husband was killed in a hit and run two weeks ago, the very first thing I said to her was I’m so sorry (sorry has now been banned) and how are you doing? I can’t imagine ignoring it. But I have made an effort to follow her lead ask questions and talk about him when she wants, and talk about mundane work crap when she doesn’t.

And I too am sorry to hear your news. Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself - you don’t need to be brave right now

Sorry, OP.

It's hard to judge the little info you have given us.

I would personally say that YAB (a little) U! It's likely that they just didn't want to mention it because it may have upset you. It's a really hard situation to call. I doubt that they didn't want to support you. It may be that they didn't know exactly how to and thought it may have been nice for you to have a normal day.

Revisit this once it's no longer raw!

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother

I disagree with previous posters - the inlaws should have acknowledged the death and then taken your lead for the rest of the conversation. Did they think you would magically forget if the words weren't uttered? Really weird and I would be just as hurt as you..

I’m so sorry OP. The best mitigation I can think of for this is that your PILs are “older style folk” with a “don’t mention death!” Mentality where they don’t know how to deal with it and it’s almost a taboo.

YADMNBU. Hopefully I can help you as I've been in precisely the same situation. When I was devastated following the loss of my mum 14 years ago, my own in-laws did to me exactly what yours have just done to you. Not only that, my SiL actively rubbed my nose in my loss, after which I refused to be in a room with her again for around 6 years. My MiL, was OK before our child was born but started her own passive-aggressive tactics when he was about 2. She has her large family and grandchildren around her at Christmas, yet now sees fit to aggressively negate my family identity (they're all dead) by addressing me as Mrs (husband's name). Not content with rubbing that in my face, she also omits my part of our son's double-barrelled surname whenever she addresses him, calling him by my husband's surname only. My husband has repeatedly asked her not to do this and she ignores his wishes. We've been married 10 years.

Has this continued to be an issue ever since? To a point, as with time (a long time) I reached the stage where politely superficial conversation was possible. I ever forget it? No. Sadly, when you suffer a major bereavement you quickly discover who is there for you in this life and who isn't. The results won't always be what you expect, and are painful. Funerals and weddings have a nasty habit of bringing out the worst in people.

I'm cordial-ish with my MiL; conversation is mostly in the mode of grey rock and it's easy to disengage as all I need to do is get her talking about herself. I'm NC with my SiL, BiL and his wife. And if you opted never to speak to your in-laws again I wouldn't blame you in the slightest. Your partner may not like this. My only tip in response to that eventuality is that you can't stop him having a relationship with his family and neither should you try. But that relationship doesn't have to include you, and your husband cannot (and shouldn't want to) force you into an unwanted connection with anyone who subjects you to such callous treatment.

Good luck to you for the future. Sincere condolences on the loss of your mum.

Yes yabu. Maybe they didn't want to upset you by bringing her up?

She is upset because her mother died. People who don't acknowledge it aren't doing it for fear of upsetting her (like that would even make a difference - you do get it is the death of her mother that is the upsetting bit). They don't acknowledge because they don't want to upset themselves by having to say something difficult (although god knows what is so difficult about saying "so so sorry for your loss Bombay, we are thinking of you"). It is a very selfish thing to do.

it is truly awful for close family to not acknowledge in any way the death of their daughter in law's mother. Awful, rude, inadequate. Anyone who thinks it is ok to do this should know, for the record, that it isn't and you are going to deeply upset people if you treat them like this.

I would find it hard to care much about these people from now on. They are cold.

Hang on a second, did they not even sympathise with you?

Either way yanbu, pp saying they didn't want to upset you are talking bollocks.

I am so sorry for your loss

OP, I'm sorry for your loss

I lost my mum in November. And most people have simply said they were sorry for our loss. Your PIL were being rude by not even acknowledging your loss.

Mentality where they don’t know how to deal with it

Or they deal with it differently that doesn't fit the current need to discuss the minutiae of one's life. In this case I would be generous enough to think they were doing what they thought was right, it may not be what you think is right but is it worth poisoning the rest of your relationship with them? Would your Mother have wanted that for you and your family?
Not an easy time for you, very sorry for your loss and hope you can resolve this quickly, don't let it fester.

I understand they may have been embarrsed, felt awkward.

Op if they genuinely seem to Luke you and you get on well with them maybe try not to take it too hard....

Maybe they wanted to see if you raised it?

My in laws also did not say one kind thing to me about my df passing. And I mentioned it and still nothing. I had very little respect for them left but that was the pits and it broke something in me.

More than anything I felt very sorry for dh. We knew his dp were shits but that was so low.

It's really weird of them not to mention it. At least she should check if you want to talk about it. It's your dm, ffs!

Saying "I'm sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do?"

Is NOT discussing the minutiae of your life. The loss of a parent is not minutiae! Good God.

They didn't want to 'acknowledge' it because they felt awkward. Because, you know, the big issue is their social discomfort. Bombay has lost a parent but for Gods sake don't embarrass the English. Yes the OP might have cried and then what would happen!

Anyone, posting that social discomfort is more important than acknowledging one of life's big watersheds shame on you.

Bombay can I just say I'm very sorry for your loss. It is a difficult time and you have my thoughts and prayers.

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine not hugging my DIL and telling her that I am there for her if she were to lose a parent. I'm sorry yours didn't do that for you.

Thanks for the kind words.
I suppose I found it odd that two people I've known for over 20 years didn't acknowledge my sadness, but each their own.

Am I genuinely reading this right- that people think it’s understandable that her in laws didnt even say ‘we’re sorry for you loss’. They are your in laws!! I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this op and it’s absoluetely inexcusable that they didn’t mention your mother. How hurtful. However, I would continue to speak to them but I’d never be able to forget what they had done.