Newborn and toddler bedtime - DH & sharing the load

[louise987]

I have a DD3 and a 4 week old baby. Since she's been born my DH has gone out for the night (staying overnight) at friends houses 4 times leaving me to coordinate baths and bed with essentially a newborn and toddler. When he is home I am still doing 8/10 bedtimes with DD3 as ' there will be plenty of times you won't be able to because you'll be feeding'

Prior to baby nights away were about once every few months.

I'm aware I'm probably hormonal so over sensitive atm but AIBU to think he should be around to help out more?

Yep he should.

Sounds to me like he’s avoiding doing ‘baby duties’ for his child. Sorry but it’s not a good sign OP.

I've got a four month old and DH has done every bath time for the older two since they were born. He's being a douche.

My DH goes out maybe twice a month - I find it hellish to do bath and bed for a 6yo and 10mo.

However when he’s here he does bathtime for both and puts older to bed as well as cooking dinner.

Your DH is being lazy.

He's being a terrible father and partner.

Don't let him convince you you're in the wrong for feeling annoyed, he's 100% being a massive prick.

I have similar aged DC and we share the load 50/50 aside from OCCASIONAL evenings out.

Hmmm... he's great with both of them, but gets all the fun stuff - although he wouldn't see it like that! Playing, dancing, trips to the park, sleepy baby cuddles etc. Nappy changes, meal prep, bedtime etc fall to me. I need to figure out a way to tell him this without making it sound like I'm attacking him - it's not just time with the kids, it's sharing the load of the 'must do' stuff.

For example, baby has a skin infection needing attention three times a day. She cries when I do it as it's probably a bit sore. So he has not done it once.

Anyone successfully made a DH realise that the 'must do's' of parenthood are just as important to share as the playtimes?

Yep by not caring if he is offended by it. He is being an insensitive twat who needs to step up

Sorry, OP, bit I think a decent parent and partner understands the must dos are essential parenting. Even my young children understand (even if they don’t always follow through) that the fun bits go hand in hand with the jobs.

My sympathies. I dreaded double bedtime.

I told DH he needed to demonstrate why I needed him around when DS was 10 months old. I had done everything despite the fact that it was DH who was desperate to start a family. Instead he was working and then at the gym 3/4 nights and out with friends at least one more.
I told him that I didn't see the point in a partner or parent that isn't around helping out.
He stepped up but sometimes now, 6 years later he needs a shove in the right direction.

My husband and I have similar aged babies, we just alternate each day. One day I do toddler bath and he looks after baby, next day I look after baby while he does toddler. Doesn't really take any prompting as our 3 year old tells us who's turn it is to put her to bed. I think she enjoys having a change.

P.s. I wouldn't feel happy with the number of overnight stays. I'm sure they'd stop pretty quickly if you matched every one he did with one of your own!

It is sad you feel the need to tip toe around and not make him feel like he is being attacked.

He is not stepping up and being a decent father and partner. He deserves to be attacked for that!

Put it in writing if you think he'll get unpleasant if you bring it up in person.

My DH wasn't a "natural" father. He's inherently lazy, and was happy to stand back and watch me going under with the strain of it all. We had 3 DC under 5 with a stillborn baby in amongst them, our eldest was diagnosed with ADHD and I carried the whole burden while he focused on himself, work and we probably got around 5% of his time and attention. By the time our DC were hitting their teens, I was at boiling point with anxiety, anger and resentment that just exploded one day and I told him to go. He left under protest, and seemed to think I'd lost the plot completely but as time went on, by 3 months I'd made the decision I never wanted him back and boy he had to work hard to make me change my mind. He still needs the odd reminder but he genuinely needed to see that I could and would do it alone rather than have someone's half arsed effort. We both have a lot more respect for each other as a result too.

He sounds like he needs a kick up the arse to see what a lucky man he is to have you. Good luck making him see it

When its dd3 bedtime just din't get up. Tell dd daddy is putting you to bed tonight.

And start alternating nights,you have 2 kids so each of you puts one to bed

You need to alternate jobs so he's having the not fun stuff too. Don't ask, expect.

Although tbh if he's not really a team player you'd be easier just cutting your losses now and getting rid - likely in the long run, less stress, and you don't show your own poor relationship dynamic to the DCs as something which is acceptable.