To not want to pass my baby around

[cr1479]

I had my DD 7 weeks ago and I've been feeling really anxious about just handing her to people because they want to hold her.
As she is so little the majority of time she is feeding and then sleeping. When I give her to someone this disrupts her and she will start crying. This often then leads to people trying to settle her and I just have to watch as she get more & more upset.
It feels so unnatural to me to give her to people and my stomach is in knots the whole time until I get her back.
I've been trying to be polite and let people have her but the more I think about it I'm starting to think why should I?
Family will have her whole life to play/have cuddles.
But I worry that people will think really badly of me, especially my OH's family.
We are going there Boxing Day. I'm not particularly close with them, especially his siblings and I'm starting to feel so anxious about it.
When I have been up to their house they will keep asking if I want them to hold her while I eat or when she cries if I want them to settle her etc. And I don't, but when people keep asking it starts to get awkward & I don't know if I can say at the beginning "I don't feel comfortable with people holding her"
Has anyone felt like this before? What would you do? How can you approach this nicely without people thinking I just don't want them to be near my DD?
I want people to see her & bond with her but I don't think that forcing her to cuddle people when she's so young is going to help that?
I just want to be able to enjoy this Christmas time but all I keep thinking about is how many people are going to ask to hold her.
I don't know if I'm being crazy?
I should also add that I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety anyway, so always struggle a bit when my babies are little with feeling anxious and wanting them near.
Thanks in advance. xxx

This is your anxiety talking, no one likes it if people hold your baby and refuse to give them back when they need feeding or cry, but it's normal for family to want a little cuddle and it sounds like they're trying to give you five minutes to eat etc which is nice. How do you manage your anxiety? Do you have breathing techniques you use? Have you tried mindfulness exercises? They can be helpful when you're anticipating something coming up and stop it escalating for you before it even happens.

Agree with pp this is your anxiety. I was happy to hand both mine off for cuddles, as it I could have a hot drink, something to eat, a wee!, and five minutes to myself. Most people give them back when they cry. Remember at this age she doesn’t know who’s cuddling her, she just needs them. As ds1 was born in the summer I was happy for people to take him for a stroll whilst I caught up on sleep. That I’m sure saved my sanity!!

Eh I can see both sides.

At our antenatal class, the midwife said very small babies can actually get quite sore from repeatedly being passed around and handled by different people. If a baby is sleeping or settled, I wouldn’t be waking or disturbing them just so they can be cuddled, etc. If your baby is getting upset when being held by others or passed around then I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want that to happen.

The thing is lots of people.really they have to "have a hold". And to be honest, lots of us don't want to hold your baby. When it's your own, it's different but having to babies thrust upon many of us is not something we choose. There needs to be a new protocol, stop passing babies round to people who are just only too grateful they will never have to change the nappy of their own, let alone pretend to coo over someone else's. Everyone wins

Have you got a sling? If so, carry DD it when it is all getting to much for her you.

Yup, babywearing solves many of these issues.

Thanks for your replies. I have been aware that it's probably my anxiety which is while I've been forcing myself to do it when people have asked.
I know that it's only coming from a nice place, they either want to give me a break or just have a cuddle but it still doesn't feel natural when I do it and I sit there feeling so anxious.
I suppose I just have to do it?
I think I just wanted to know if anyone else has felt similar and if it's a fairly common thing or if I just look a bit mental saying it to people.
I do have techniques to manage my anxiety, breathing, talking therapy & distraction. Normally my anxiety is under control and doesn't affect my life massively, however having a baby seems to really heighten it for the first couple of months for me. I was the same (actually a lot worse) when I had my DS.

You don't have to pass your baby around if that's not what you want. This is why we have suggested wearing her. Decreases the requests because your hands are free and it's more hassle to get her out of the carrier.

Yes I do have a sling, I will pack it. Thank you, that's a good tip.

There are several posts along these lines at the moment. It would sound quite rude to say that you don't feel comfortable letting others hold your baby, because it implies you don't trust them. Just keep the baby in a sling as others have suggested. Lots of us have no interest in other people's babies, let alone want to hold them, so it may not be as traumatic as you think.

Pop the baby in the sling, it is a great visual signal.

When you do allow snuggles, embrace your inner mama bear and take your baby back when it is time. Just a simple, “that’s the mom signal” said as you pick up the baby will do.

If people try to say that they can hold her so that you can just xyz enjoy your tea/mingle/have a break in peace (when they are really just asking for a cuddle) but you don't want too, , you can reply with a smile that actually you really enjoy holding and cuddling with her and don't mind at all, but that would be really helpful later when you need the toilet, thank you so much. Then move instantly on to asking them an unrelated question about themself to change the subject.

You sound very anxious and stressed. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I think it is normal and natural for friends and family to want to have a cuddle. I also think it's very good for the baby, but that's not based on science, just my experience of my kids and my 4 nieces. The ones whose mum didn't like passing them around for a cuddle were much less confident around other people in childhood, and the ones whose mums were happy for them to be cuddled and played with be everyone were much more settled in social situations.
(But of course anecdote isn't data. )

Did you have trouble conceiving, was it a problematic pregnancy? I ask because you sound like something more is going on than bothering the baby by passing her around. Are you yourself uncomfortable with physical contact?
You say forcing her to cuddle people but you aren't - she can't cuddle anyone, she's 7 weeks. She's being held by her extended family who with know her and love her throughout her life.

Again, I'm sorry you are having an anxious time. I hope you have a Heath Visitor or GP who can give you some support while you seeing into motherhood and ease your anxiety.

@StroppyWoman nope, no problems conceiving. Actually, she was a nice surprise haha.
It was however an awful pregnancy. I had severe morning sickness which lasted the whole pregnancy, SPD, early scares & then went into labour at 29 weeks! She wasn't born at 29 weeks though. They found underlying infections and managed to stop labour.
Do you think this may be making me feel more anxious?

I do let people hold her when they ask, I'm not being mean or irrational with anyone. It's just more how I feel inside, but I think it will get better with time.

I was the same with my DS but now I'm completely fine for people to have him & have no issues.

I’d say the trauma from the birth is contributing heavily to this!

I’ve got a 7 week old too and she actually seems happier with other people because all she smells on me is milk and just wants to be attached to me but I think going to other people is really important because they start by recognising people by smell.

If people can’t settle her just go over and say she wants a feed or nappy change, usually works for me

I think your feelings are normal. Look at the animal kingdom, most animal mothers wouldn’t let their offspring out of their sight.

Your anxiety might play a part too, but I don’t think it’s just that. I felt similar and don’t have anxiety.

If she is unsettled it’s okay to put your baby’s comfort over an adult’s feelings. It’s okay to say no to cuddles. I think when people are persistent it can feel really stressful, especially when cuddles last too long or they are reluctant to hand them back.
My mil used to say ‘are you coming to granny?’ so it looked like she was asking a question but she would be physically snatching at the same time. You could do the same technique to get your baby back ‘are you coming to mummy?’ said as you snatch!

The times it should be a definite No is if she's asleep, hungry or already upset. If she's awake and happy I don't see a problem- but no jigging around!
As soon as she cries you take her back.

I am an avid baby holder but I would never ask/suggest it, except a general, let me know if it would be helpful if I held baby for a bit'.

I would also understand a mum saying it makes her anxious if people hold her baby.

It is your anxiety but that doesn't mean anyone has 'holding' rights over your baby. Could your dh explain to family before the day that you are anxious and won't be passing baby round for holds?

Babies can pick up on your emotions - if you feel anxious while someone else is holding the baby the baby can feel that you are.

I understand how you feel, my dd is 5 months now but when she was tiny she always had a really unsettled night and I struggled to get her off to sleep after a day of being passed around, which made me want to not let people hold her. Now she's bigger it's much nicer as she is sitting up and awake most of the time anyway