How much do you know out your dh’s childhood?

[UhhOhhh]

This is a running problem in my marriage.

We spend a lot of time with his family, no problem they are lovely people. If a little overbearing. We don’t see my family as much, mainly because of distance. But I feel like I’m close to my side of the family. We might not talk everyday but we’re close. Busy lives and all that.

It bugs me that I’ve had to sit through endless monologues about his family, his childhood, holiday stories, family legends.

He knows nothing about my childhood. I asked him so tell me one funny/sad/important thing that happened to me growing up, and he couldn’t. Not one thing. After 18 years. It’s not like he’s not been told, he just can’t be bothered to remember.

A thing happened with my sister recently that I needed advice with, tried to ask him and he just couldn’t be bothered. I feel like it’s because he doesn’t understand my family history,

I just feel sad that my past and sense of self is being forgotten. I may be really overly emotional about it, but I feel like if I died, he couldn’t tell our daughters a single thing about me.

Is this normal?

I do not know too much because he is not to talkative about it. Do you talk a lot about your childhood? I am not sure if dh knows much about mine because I, too, am not to talkative.

That’s the thing, we’re both very talkative. I know everything about how he grew up. His family and himself tell me everything. But yet, he knows nothing about mine. I’ve tried to talk to him but it’s like he doesn’t want to know. I think because our families are different?

I know a lot but from other sources, primarily from FIL's lifelong best friend and late SMIL. Dh doesn't really talk about his childhood and from what I know I can't blame him. Quit literally from the moment of birth his childhood was traumatic.

That's horrid

It seems to me a bit that it's not so much he doesn't know about you, but more that he doesn't care enough to WANT to know (or bother listening/remembering) about what happened to make you YOU.

Even if it's right (that bit about if you died), (which, obvs I hope you don't) there would be other people who could fill your DDs in.
And IF you did die, it doesn't mean that just because he can't talk about your past he can't talk about your present.

I think when/as you get older, you/one wants to pass your history on. But the younger lot don't really care. But that not caring about the past really, really, really isn't a reflection on how much they think about you or value you. They just don't see it as important.

I know a lot more about my husband's childhood (and past in general) than he knows about mine, and that's just the way I like it.

What’s your family like?
Well, I actually cannot stand my dhs family that well. Do not get me wrong they are okay... but snobby, a bit boring and wanna-be posh and so he had a snobby and wanna-be posh childhood where he did all those boring things like play tennis... play tennis a lot, enjoy riding and rugby. Fact is: there is not so much to tell about is there. He often played tennis all day long... not really like an adventure is it?
Do not get me wrong they have good hearts and care for dh but I really do think they are boring.

He was then send offen a boarding school which was the most boring school ever.
Well, he told me a lot about the silly things he did with his classmates but apart from that...

We talk more about things that happen right now, our kids, his job, mutual friends, stuff like this.

Well we both grew up in east end London. But very different families.

His culture is very Mediterranean. Very family oriented, big explosive rows but quickly forgotten. Quite eccentric, lots of funny stories. Like I said, lovely people.

Mine is different. Very English (originally northan), quite repressed. A lot of things going on under the surface. Family secrets nobody talks about. A bit more money than his but poor now. Very complicated, lots of divorce. But actually, me and my siblings and mum are holding on. We love each other just as much as his family do.

I just think when there is a issue, he just can’t relate because his family are so open and we’re not. Because it’s a lot more complex with my family.

Oh, I see. Maybe this is really the thing... maybe he cannot relate. I often cannot understand why dhs family do the thing they do. To me this is just weird some of the things they do... yeah, a bit repressed to. Like they do not hug much (with the exception öffne brother), they keep a Pokerface in public and so on...

Difficult to understand family dynamics in such a family maybe he does not understand your family dynamics.

Yeah I do get that, and try to understand. But surely he should know something? One little detail? It’s not like we haven’t talked, or spent time with my family? We are actually a lot more open now since my parents divorced.

I don’t know, I’m tying myself up in knots over this. I just find it annoying having to listen to the same old family stories from his side, with no interest in mine. (We’re actually a more interesting!)

Have you told him so? That you want him to show more interest in your family?

It bugs me that I’ve had to sit through endless monologues about his family, his childhood, holiday stories, family legends.

This is very true of DH's family- we go over to visit and I hear the same stories time and time again. But they love the retelling, so I can't be too annoyed at it. He will often ask me about my childhood because he loves talking about people, their motivations, gossip, etc. but I get that that's not common. Your DH sounds like one of those people who can't wait for you to finish telling a story so they can bore you with their own.

In your case I would focus on telling the kids about where you came from, because your DH seems too wrapped up in his own backstory to listen to yours. Perhaps a visit to see your mum sans DH might be fun?

I thought that I knew all about DH as his family are 'sharers'(of most things)
Late, lovely MIL thought that on the eve before our wedding, she'd better warn me that DH had been circumsized as a 2 year old so his 'winky' will not be 'like you may expect'
We had been together for 7 years so I had seen that 'winky' more than a few times but didn't have the heart to let on.
It was 45 years ago and she was quite unworldly and a bit prudish but this quite surprised me (and DH)

My XPs family was like that. Endless self reverential tales about their many houses, the famous people they knew, how gifted and talented all the children were, oh and how they were descended from royalty (William the Conqueror, before you get excited, whom we are pretty much ALL descended from). These conversations were a constant, and ramped up whenever his mother was present as it was her favourite topic.

Conversely, my family were ignored and blessed only with the occasional patronising aside. My parents were definitely seen as plebs and my childhood stories were in no way as fascinating as his.

I felt that my XP wanted me to pay homage to his past while mine faded in to insignificance.

It was nothing to do with cultural differences, it was male privelige and snobbery in action.

Just for the record. I think I am not a descendant of William the Conquerers... maybe send your XP to talk to me and I‘ll say Oh and Ah and be impressed.