To Feel Just a Bit Fed Up after Night Out

[HarrietSmith]

My husband isn't great about suggesting evenings out. This is normally left to me.

But in a rare show of initiative he did suggest an evening out in town. Some entertainment with a meal beforehand. A Spanish bar/restaurant with a small performance space.

I'm tired and it's been a rough week. Busy as well. I thought the evening out might be a time to talk and catch up. I was down because I got told yesterday that I hadn't got a job that I had really wanted. (There'd been a phonecall and as I'd been told unsuccessful candidates wouldn't be informed till the New Year I iniitally thought the call from them meant I'd got the job.)

Unfortunately because the restaurant/bar is near the business district in town and we were eating early the bar/restaurant was absolutely full of people shouting their heads off. Though we were at a small table where we only a couple of feet apart, we could barely hear each other.

The noise level was like being in a club or crowded party. I really wanted to leave.

But I told myself I had better just try and get used to it. Our food - paella arrived and the waiter squeezed lemon over it. A minute later my husband decided that he wanted to squeeze some more out of the lemon, so reached across, and there was a sudden crash and a kind of flood. He'd knocked his wine glass over at speed and there was suddenly red wine all over my top and trousers.

The entertainment bit of the evening was better.

I just feel a bit sad about it having been impossible to talk over the meal and having wine knocked all over me.

I suppose in another mood it might all have been hilariously funny. But I just feel sorry for myself at the moment.

I get where you’re coming from OP. When you’re with someone who has to behave in a certain when in a professional context - or chooses to do so in respect of a hobby, but doesn’t deploy those skills in a domestic context, it can make you feel like second best. My OH is in a very senior position that requires huge attention to detail and advanced listening skills. Neither of these qualities are in much evidence at home though. You know they can do it, but seem to choose not to at home. It is particularly vexing if it creates more work for you in the process.

I do agree with some other posters though. My response is conditioned by stress in other areas of life and I try to remember this before before speaking/acting.

Not sure why you didn't help clean up the coffee, or look after the breakfast while he cleaned it up.
You sound a bit sorry for yourself and hoping he'd notice. It's perfectly acceptable to feel like that after the disappointment of the job. Also New Year can be difficult to cope with because of a lot of comparison bullshit that gets peddled about.
Your DH not a mind reader either. If you are feeling sad and down then say so.

I'd been upstairs. He told me breakfast was ready. I'd just started to eat and then I realised the table was wet - he'd made some sort of inadequate attempt to wipe the coffee up. And the glass was all darkened where coffee had seeped underneath the top panel.

I started doing some more wiping up, but then it seemed best to carry on with breakfast. Cleaning the table properly involves opening it out and removing and cleaning both glass panels thoroughly as well as wiping down the wood frame then reassembling. It's a ten minute job.

I said I'd do it after breakfast - though should have left it to him.

Yes, I'm down. Small things are getting to me.

I understand why things are annoying you, but it sounds like your DH is actually trying to have a nice time with you - planning a night out, cooking breakfast - but has been clumsy. I think you're being too harsh to him.
He obviously didn't mean to spill the drinks.

Is something else making you miserable because this seems displaced?

It sounds like you're directing your feelings onto him. He organised a night out. He cooked a full breakfast and made decent coffee to go with it. He doesn't sound like a bastard from what you've posted here.

If you are depressed you should see your gp in the new year .

No, he's not a bastard.

I do cook a lot of meals including breakfasts - and am not afflicted with clumsiness. I also regularly make tea and pots of coffee.

But if he makes me a cooked breakfast and a pot of coffee and then knocks the coffee over and doesn't wipe it up properly so the breakfast table is dirty and wet, I should be grateful.

And if instead of feeling grateful, I feel down - maybe I should go and ask for pills so I feel happy.

I'll think about that one.

Does sound overly harsh on your DH, yes he should have cleared up properly the coffee but the restaurant was a night out and was an accident. I know my irritation levels go up when I feel low and I project that on my DH.

Not suggesting you get happy pills but sounds like you just want to sit & talk to your DH as you've had a shitty couple of weeks & didn't get the job you want. Why don't you suggest to him a night in with your fave take away and a movie & tell him you feel tired and rough due to the last few weeks and that you really want some time with him.

Sometimes you are done. Sometimes you have unreasonable expectations.

Think about someone you massively fancy. If you would put up with it from them, you need to move on.

If you wouldn't, then you need to seek help for your problems with your marriage. Cos honestly, he went above and beyond your expectations (however low they may have been - another issue), but it wasn't enough.

No judgment either way - but his 'better than normal' wasn't good enough for you, and relationship counselling is all about dealing with this stuff