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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I stop breastfeeding to help improve my son's behaviour?

54 replies

Minette5 · 21/12/2018 21:24

So here it is.. I am a terrible worrier and over thinker so would love to have some advice or hear your stories. I have a 3yr old who is very much a mummy's boy and I have a 5month old LG who appears to be going the same way. She is breastfed and currently won't take a bottle so all feeding is on me. We are going to try her with sippy cups soon and she has begun weaning.
However my son's behaviour seems to be deteriorating, he has always been quite happy and animated but is getting very grumpy, tearful and negative. We have so many strops over nothing, he fake cries which gives everyone a headache and often sets the baby off crying too. We are working on this but I am thinking that perhaps if his behaviour doesn't improve I should stop breastfeeding to be able to spend more time with him and involve him more in the feeding. (He loves his sister and often tries to help by holding a boob). I am on the fence with this decision as I am doing well with the bf this time, she refuses a bottle ATM and she has allergies so the wonders of BM is good for her. We are very relaxed parents so any out there suggestions are welcome, your wealth of experience and knowledge may find something I haven't thought of!
Thank you.

OP posts:

European12345 · 21/12/2018 22:26

@Mummy0ftwo12
I’d inform myself before making those comments .... it’s recommended exclusive (breast)feeding before 6m. Milk main intake til 1 year and fed until 2years , so I’d say bf still makes a difference. Her baby has never had a bottle so introducing formula as main intake can bring some problems (allergies for example) that she’s never been exposed to before.

I’d not stop bf if you enjoy it and so the baby. However, I’d find your times when baby isn’t around and spend it with your big boy so he feels he can have time the two of you exclusively

littlemisscomper · 21/12/2018 22:26

Does he have a baby doll? If not I'd strongly recommend getting him one, (fairly large and realistic, but not one of those that cries or talks) and some bits and bobs of baby equipment to go with it. I would let him have access to the doll all the time but keep some of the equipment/accessories back for certain times (ie, when you're feeding, and they go away when you're done). Most little boys his age just love dolls prams so that might be a good one. He'll be so focused on that he won't be feeling left out, he can work out his emotions through the role play (if he displays negative behaviours towards the doll that's ok!) and you'll be feeling calmer and more willing to focus on him when your little girl is napping.

londonrach · 21/12/2018 22:27

No way do you stop breast feeding because another child. Deal with his behaviour. Can you build in some quality mum time with him whilst baby is feeding maybe special book you read together, sticker book, toys he only has when you feeding. What does he like doing? I say that as someone who chose to bottle feed and vvv glad i did.

Pernickity1 · 21/12/2018 22:29

Mummy0ftwo12 you clearly have no knowledge of breastfeeding - it makes a significant difference at 5 months! The WHO advocates feeding until the child is two.

As long as feeding is going well for you OP and you’re personally happy to continue, then I would not give up in these circumstances. I understand your thinking though - I felt the same when DD2 was born and my first was jealous during feedings. I persevered and she adapted and eventually completely accepted it and would just toddle off to play with her toys as she knew I was busy during those times. I made sure to give plenty of attention afterwards and lots of 1:1. Hang in there!

heather1 · 21/12/2018 22:30

Sounds like typical three year old behavior. It’s also not unusual for the older child to regress and want to be the baby again. Get a special box/bag with small toys, books etc and whole LG is feeding your Ds can sit near you and you can look at the book together/read it etc.

fruitbrewhaha · 21/12/2018 22:31

I have a 3yr old who is very much a mummy's boy and I have a 5month old LG who appears to be going the same way

This is an odd thing to say. Little children are very attached there mothers, doesn't mean a bad thing.

As others have said, normal behaviour for a 3 year old with a new baby sister. My eldest was a lovely child until we had her sister. She was very trying for about a year. She then went back to being normal.

Pernickity1 · 21/12/2018 22:31

Oh and I’d also recommend looking up Janet Lansbury’s website/Facebook page - she gives great advice on how to deal with tantrums, made a huge difference to family harmony in my house!

MadeForThis · 21/12/2018 22:32

Keep feeding. He's just being 3. It will take longer to make up a bottle and feed a bottle refuser than to just whip out the boob.

At 3 he will kick off over everything. They want to be able to control their lives and scream and tantrum repeatedly. Stopping bf won't change this.

Try to find time to spend alone with him. Focus on how is is a great big brother and how helpful he is. And if he tantrums let it go. He's so full of emotions that the smallest thing can seem life changing. Wrong plate, wrong cup etc.

missyB1 · 21/12/2018 22:37

I bottle fed all of mine by choice, but I say don’t stop BF! Your 3 year old is just being a 3 year old it’s nothing to do with how you feed baby. Try to read to him and baby whilst you are feeding.

StoppinBy · 21/12/2018 22:43

I would suggest you involve your son everywhere you can.

When you sit to feed your baby get your son to choose a book that he can turn the pages on and read it to him if your youngest doesn't get too distracted, otherwise you could think of other things to do with him that you can do along side feeding your youngest.

Get him to pass you clean nappies, sprinkle the powder on her bum if you use powder, wash her toes in the bath/shower etc, teach him to blow raspberries on her tummy, she will laugh (hopefully) and he will be pleased that he was the one to make that happen.

It gets so much easier once baby is more interactive with older siblings - just keep focussing on the good things he does and encouraging things. The more you are able to tell him is a great big brother the more he will work to hear those words :-)

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2018 22:44

With my dd1 I had a special bag of toys she was Only allowed to play with if I was feeding dd2. Or I read to her at same time.

Knittedfairies · 21/12/2018 22:48

His behaviour is quite normal. (Please don’t stop breastfeeding your daughter; imagine the conversation in a few years - yes, I fed PFB until he was ?months, but stopped with you at 5 months because he was jealous....)

Excited101 · 21/12/2018 22:49

Absolutely not! Who is in charge here?!

You say you’re very relaxed parents, maybe try a slightly clearer and firmer approach with your son. He of course needs your love and attention but also needs very clear guidance and boundaries too. Young children thrive in knowing where they stand and what is expected of them.

Pretty much all young children tantrum regularly but if you’re considering stopping breastfeeding because of it then you need to look at your priorities and what actually is going on here. Good luck!

Pernickity1 · 21/12/2018 22:53

It will take longer to make up a bottle and feed a bottle refuser than to just whip out the boob.

This is a very good point. When I switched to bottles my DD2 would get hysterical waiting while I made it up (she’s the hangry sort!) and DD1 would be following me around crying while I was trying to do it - so I just ended up with two crying children instead of one. Also DD2 never took to bottles easy so it was a stressful ordeal trying to get her to drink... would have been easier if I’d just stuck with BF!

Original poster

Minette5 · 22/12/2018 07:21

When I say mummies boy I mean he wants to do everything with mummy and has meltdowns when daddy does it instead. He will refuse things daddy and others hand him and questions they ask. This behaviour is ignored and we never give in to his demand for me all the time but boy do my ears hurt! He is fine once past the mummy obstacle e.g. leaving me for nursery but I have to major distraction all the way there to avoid 20mins of 'i don't want to go, I'm going to miss you, I'm not doing anything without you etc'. I believe this has escalated since I got pregnant as he has never been mollycoddled but we only have 1 family member who looks after him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Minette5 · 22/12/2018 07:28

Thanks all, you have pretty much confirmed one side of my thinking. I think it's just harder with the sleep deprivation. Neither kids sleep well, older one never has. I have asked Santa for one night of uninterrupted sleep but I think I have more chance with the lottery lol. Thanks for all your suggestions they are all in line with what we already do and have done so it's good to hear others say it does work itself out. It seems never ending when you're in the thick of it and my ears do hurt from ignoring the fake crying etc especially when the baby goes too, they even compete in volume! It's like being at a rock concert sometimes with your ears going fuzzy. We shall persevere and roll on nursery being back. Have a lovely Christmas everyone.

OP posts:

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 22/12/2018 07:29

Don't stop breastfeeding
Have you read any books about managing 3 yr olds behaviour?

SnuggyBuggy · 22/12/2018 07:30

Surely baby will be trying food soon. You could all have lunch together and share some food soon.

loubluee · 22/12/2018 07:33

OP it’s his age. As pp have said we talk of terrible twos but many go through it at three. The same with being attached to someone. Many go to nursery easily then suddenly don’t want to be left and there is tears. It is normal.

A pp mentioned a good idea- get some times he really likes, his ‘special toys’ that only come out when you are feeding his little sister. A doll is also another good idea as already mentioned. Both my sons had dolls and prams. Ds14 used to feed his ‘baby’ when my friend and her baby came around and she was being fed.

It will pass. Please don’t give up the breastfeeding if it is going so well. Both of you are benefiting especially if she has allergies (I did read that didn’t I? Or did I imagine you saying that??)

thornyhousewife · 22/12/2018 07:37

Three year olds behave this way sometimes, it honestly won't change if you stop bf but I totally understand how easy it can be to overthink it!

For what it's worth I bf both of mine, neither had a bottle, they both had difficult phases when they were three and are both happy and healthy now.

It will all work out, do try not to worry.

Kintan · 22/12/2018 07:40

Mummy0ftwo12 if you didn’t misread the baby’s age, that is one of the most ignorant and ill-informed things I have read on MN!
OP, hang in there, I know it doesn’t feel like it, but in the grand scheme of things, this time is really like a blink of the eye. Hope Santa brings you your wish of a good night’s sleep!

Juells · 22/12/2018 07:41

Mummy0ftwo12
yes, personally would stop breastfeeding your little one is at the age where really its not making a difference and its just hurting the feelings of your older child

Sometimes when I read posts on here I wonder if I was some kind of monster when I had small children.

"hurting the feelings of your older child" ??? He's three. I wouldn't have him poking at my breast 'helping' either. FFS. Women really are trained to be self-sacrificing and blame themselves for everything. Is your daughter going to be sacrificed on the altar of her brother's moods all through childhood?

Believeitornot · 22/12/2018 07:42

How often is he at nursery?

oblada · 22/12/2018 07:44

Well done for persevering! Ask dad to try and get more involved with the nights especially with the 3yrs old. It's hard but it'll get better. It wouldn't be fair to stop bf your LG just because your son is feeling jealous. Bf is a wonderful thing and if it's working well keep at it! Much easier in many ways too.

ErictheGuineaPig · 22/12/2018 07:49

I hope you do get some sleep for Christmas Minette. Keep on doing what you're doing and it will get easier, I promise!

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