To be mad at my partner

[lizbethb37]

Yesterday I had a general anaesthetic and minor surgery (without tmi, it was downstairs stuff so feeling pretty sore). Partner took me to hospital yesterday, left me there for op then came back to take me home and to be fair, looked after me last night.

Today was his Christmas do, which I did know about as I was offered today as a date for surgery but went for yesterday so as not to ruin his day. However, he couldn't wait to be out of the house by 7.30 this am to get a bus (he never drives into work if he's going out) and left me to make mine and DS breakfast and tidy a bit. I had arranged with my Mum that I would go to her for most of the day for support with DS (7 and needs lots of playing with if 1:1, but she also had DN there for him to play with) but also supposed to be watched post GA and I did feel quite tired and woozy.

DP's Christmas do was lunch at a nice restaurant locally, and then my Dad dropped him in it and said that the plans were for them 'to go in from there'. So I'm back home again with DS tucked up in bed, and DP has texted to ask me to leave house keys out, but can't understand why I'm being sh*tty with him. AIBU?!?

YABVU. Basically you’re cross because your DH is not drink driving. You were aware that he had plans and you told him it was okay and to go out, but you’re angry he took the bus and angry he had a lift from your Dad.

You are perfectly adequately looked after. You have two adults and 3 children with you which is about the same ratio as if he’s been home with just your kids.

I think you should be damn grateful you’re married to a man who is too responsible to drink drive even if his wife is pressuring him to do it.

Does he make breakfast for you and the children every day before he goes out? Why is it such a problem you have to put a piece of bread in the toaster and butter it?

I think it was fine that he went out with work for the Christmas thing as you had some support from your mom but not for him to be getting so out of it that he can't look after his keys, that is not fair of him.

The keys thing I would not be doing, you must live in a much nicer area than me! Theres a lot of crime round here currently and I wouldn't risk it.

Hope you are feeling better soon x

I'd be annoyed he couldn't take care of a set of keys - surely if he can look after his wallet he can look after his keys like a normal grown up.

I'd also be annoyed if he lied about planning on going out after but I wouldn't be annoyed that he wanted to go and have a good time on his work do. Unless he has form for getting stupidly drunk and causing problems it sounds fair enough. It sounds like you're sore but have your parents to help and you've been able to manage fine.

Why is it such a problem you have to put a piece of bread in the toaster and butter it?
Erm- walk to pantry get out cereal and peanut butter. Walk to toaster out bread in. Walk to cupboard for bowl, walk to fridge for milk , Walk to table to eat, walk to sink to clear dishes, Walk to bench and table to wipe... etc, time on your feet moving. I wouldn’t expect to do that the day after surgery downstairs. I certainly don’t do it after having a baby, my main experience of downstairs trauma!
And yes they knew when the date was- what do people mean by that? That if she cared she should have had the surgery rescheduled, like that’s easy to do? That she should have known her dh wouldn’t be able to help the next day till going into the 3rd day and even then after his hangover? I don’t accept any of those. But the op should have talked to him about it.

You are perfectly adequately looked after. You have two adults and 3 children with you

She was with her mum during the day. Not now.

Leaving you on your own a day after painful surgery is not ideal.

Expecting you to manage his re-entry into the house because he can’t look after a front door key takes the piss. Eleven-year-old children are routinely expected to look after a front door key and let themselves in.

If he is getting so drunk that he cannot keep a key in his wallet , he needs to try acting like a grown up.

Hope you recover quickly.

I think you should be damn grateful you’re married to a man who is too responsible to drink drive even if his wife is pressuring him to do it.

What are you raving about? She’s not doing any such thing

At first I thought you were being a little unreasonable OP but then I thought back to any surgery I’ve had and changed my mind - he should be more considerate, he can go out any time (he clearly isn’t deprived of a social life since he was boozed up just a week ago). I would be annoyed too.

Oh , and I agree with @sparklebanana- no way would I risk leaving the keys out. The risk to your safety , and that of your child, is far too high. At this time of year, opportunist burglaries are rife, and you’re probably not insured if you leave keys out.

Partner can either get back before you go to bed, or come and get keys first, or stay out elsewhere overnight.

He doesn't take house keys in case he loses them when he's out

^There's your red flag. The rest is irrelevant.

To me this reads like He can’t trust himself with keys (manchuld) and thinks nothing of waking the house up instead in the early hours (selfish), so him going out drinking tonight means you expect the same despite having had surgery yesterday.

Yanbu

I can’t even believe some of these responses. Who cares if it was a “day surgery” - it can take ages to feel normal after a GA, not to mention OP is probably sore! A Christmas do is hardly essential, my DH would’ve made an appearance and then come home to take care of me and his child, not gone out to get drunk. And so would I by the way. Fucking selfish and irresponsible.

If I was him I'd be tempted to come home, out you in bed, then go back out.
What is he realistically going to do if he comes home now? Sit and watch a film until bed wishing he could have gone out instead?

YANBU. I had major surgery recently. I’m single and had a friend staying with me. If I had a DP I would expect him to look after me a bit. He has a work Xmas do every year and probably other times to socialise with work people too. You don’t have surgery under general every year. He should have been concerned enough to get home and take the load off you.

I had gyne day surgery earlier this year and the anaesthetic made me so poorly. I wasn't at all with it. I'd be livid op. If the roles were reversed it wouldn't happen.

DH had downstairs surgery under ga a week ago, still haven't left him alone with dd he's just too sore. Yanbu

Sorry op , but the keys thing made me sit up and take notice.

My controlling exh used to leave his keys with he same excuse. I of course ended up sitting up waiting for him/always having to be home to let him in. This was exactly what he wanted.

Is everything else in your relationship honestly okay? You have easy access to money , he speaks to you respectfully etc?

Unless you are prepared to ruin Christmas with a big row then let it go!

You had, you admitted, minor surgery. Not exactly anything disabling even though uncomfortable. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and looking for a fight and get on with things.