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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to keep DS in on NYE

32 replies

tempertantrum2 · 21/12/2018 15:53

Recently I have started to become concerned about DS's behaviour. I am basically worried about what he is doing when out and about with mates. He thinks he is very cool (lol) and spends a lot of time out with friends. Recently he came home smelling of weed, he denied being high but I could tell he had been round it and very possibly had done it (I'm no expert). He sometimes goes to parties and has come home drunk a couple of times. I guess this is fairly normal for a 16 y/o (He's year 11), although some people may disagree.

Anyway there's the background. For NYE he says he is going out with friends/to a friends house, it's all pretty vague. I heard a group of them chatting about how it was gonna be mental. I basically want to tell him he has to join me and family with celebrations (we have people round, including a family whose kids he knows - although wouldn't choose to spend time with). AIBU to say no to going out with his friends (As am concerned it could end up messy/with drugs etc).

I know this is a bigger issue than just one night, and have spoken to him at length about drugs/alcohol previously, but I just feel with NYE I could minimise it. Opinions?

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 21/12/2018 16:09

I've no real advice but at that age plans seem to change minute by minute so it might not happen anyway.

Could you suggest he has a friend or two to your house?

Bluelady · 21/12/2018 16:11

Good luck with that!

FauxFox · 21/12/2018 16:17

He's 16, I think he needs a bit of freedom - what are you worried is going to happen? Is he sleeping over or coming home? How is he getting home? If he can come up with a reasonable plan I would let him go out. What did you do on NYE when you were 16? I went to the pub!

adaline · 21/12/2018 16:17

Errr, good luck with that one!

IHaveBrilloHair · 21/12/2018 16:19

In all honesty my 16yr old would have gone out anyway.
Let him go, but encourage him to be open with you, then at least he'll hopefully tell you if things go wrong,

Original poster
tempertantrum2 · 21/12/2018 17:48

I don't think he would "go out anyway" if I said he needed to stay in, as he has never done that before. He will do what me and DH say, but granted he would be pretty unhappy about it!

I guess I am worried that he will go to a big party with potentially older students that will include a lot of alcohol and more concerningly probably drugs and I am worried and don't really want DS doing this sort of thing!

At the moment he just says he will be out with mates. He says he can't tell me any firm plans yet!

OP posts:
agnurse · 21/12/2018 17:50

I'd be telling him that I need the name and address of the host and I will be calling the parents to ensure they are home.

He's still a minor.

Original poster
tempertantrum2 · 21/12/2018 17:51

Also he would almost definitely say no to friends round ours! Unless I let him have 10 friends (which we don't have space for). As I say we already have another family round, so with my kids and theirs that's already 6 children... Plus he would be embarraased to have only 1 or 2 friends round with the younger kids of our friends! He will probably just stay in and be sulky if I say no!

OP posts:
Weebitawks · 21/12/2018 17:54

It’s hard because my kids aren’t near this age. I know at this age I was going out and doing drugs and drinking. I would of been considered a good kid and wasn’t off the rails etc. I do think if my parents had be super strict and tried to stop me going out I’ve of pushed back and things could of been worse.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2018 17:59

I'd say no.

At 16 my nephew and niece would absoluty have djne as they were told. Thry might have sulked (nephew) or yelled (niece) but they wouldn't have gone.

namechange03 · 21/12/2018 18:02

He's 16 years old not 12. I think everything you described is normal and nothing to worry about. So long as he's aware of the dangers of drugs and excessive drinking and isn't stupid, give him some freedom!!!
Do you not trust him?

Original poster
tempertantrum2 · 21/12/2018 18:05

Trust him? In what sense? I trust him as in I trust he would look after his younger siblings or that he would do the right thing in a serious situation.

I am not sure I trust that he wouldn't do drugs with his mates though! Isn't that quite normal with a 16YO?

OP posts:
anniehm · 21/12/2018 18:08

I have always trusted my DD's but then they are pretty driven and I don't think they would touch drugs (one is a navy cadet and has drugs testing so wouldn't risk it) only you can make that decision but I have felt that once they hit 16 I needed to trust that I taught them to be sensible. They both have Uber on their phones linked to my card and know if things get out of hand they call be or order a taxi

abacucat · 21/12/2018 18:10

That is so hard. I was a good kid but at 16 if my parents had tried to stop me going out I would have ignored them.
So me the question is if you stop him going, will this lead to him rebelling more? Or will he just sulk on the night and then forget about it?

IHaveBrilloHair · 21/12/2018 18:14

Oh I don't trust my Dd as far as I could throw her, but she is 17, just a yr older and she really would go.
So far drugs have never been an issue and getting too drunk is rare, twice and both times she came home to me as she knew I wouldn't freak out.

Original poster
tempertantrum2 · 21/12/2018 18:17

He probably would stay in, sulk and forget about it!

The issue more is that he is in the popular crowd and drugs seem to be really cool at the moment. Loads of them smoke weed and I just think he is getting involved with it, which I would rather he didn't :( and big parties seem to be more common these days. It was just hearing them speak about how NYE was going to be a "mad one" (they didn't realise I was there)... I know I would feel much better if he was home with us!

OP posts:
Kikidelivers · 21/12/2018 18:17

He's 16 years old not 12

Like wise, he’s 16 years old not 18

It’s a tough one OP. Is he almost 17 or just turned 16?

I would be inclined to let him go because there will be so many to come BUT I would not let him stay over. I’d pay for a taxi home at 1

Kikidelivers · 21/12/2018 18:17

Actually 2 sorry

Fairylightfurore · 21/12/2018 18:18

If he was 17 I would probably say let him go but at 16 I would want to know whose house the party was at and speak to the parents first make sure there are some boundaries in place.

Bluelady · 21/12/2018 18:25

Hate to tell you this but I was 16 almost 50 years ago and I'd have taken being forbidden to go out as a challenge, especially on NYE.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/12/2018 18:28

I know I would feel much better if he was home with us!

I'm sure you would; but it won't solve the problem at all. If his friends are taking drugs; and having parties that this happens at, it won't be long before there is another party. Is your plan just to ban him from going to anything?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/12/2018 18:33

It really doesn't make any difference if the party is NYE or any other day. The same thing can happen at both. It can also happen any time he goes our with friends

adaline · 21/12/2018 18:42

I know I would feel much better if he was home with us!

So would most parents of 16yo's on NYE, but you can't restrict their social life based on that. No 16yo wants to stay in with their parents and their friends on NYE!

Jaffacakebeast · 21/12/2018 18:43

No way, if my ds did drugs he’d be grounded and staying in. He’s only 12 now but I can’t see me relaxing about that at all. The odd drink at 16 I think is normal, even getting drunk but absolutely would not let my kid carry on taking drugs. I did drugs at 16btw, got stoned a lot and other stuff so I’m not in a “bubble” my parents never found out but if They had I’d probably still be grounded now lol

Original poster
tempertantrum2 · 21/12/2018 18:44

As i said before, I'm not worried he'd go out anyway if we forbid him! He has literally never done that and respects us to stay in. He would just be moody and then probably vaguely enjoy it, or get pissed at home and mess about with the other kids, and be quite annoying but I would know where he was!

I do agree with people who are saying it's a bigger issue though, as I said in my OP. The issue is I just don't know how to dissuade him from participating in these kids of things. I wish he wasn't friends with these kids who are doing drugs but I know he is, as he is in the popular crowd and wouldn't ever want to say no to what they're doing or not be friends with them. And also, as I said, he has told me he isn't doing any drugs himself, but I don't think I believe him!

I definitely don't plan to ban him from everything and we are generally quite lenient about him going out to meet friends. i know there is little I can stop him from doing! but I guess normally I would be at home for him to call/ not doing much/ worrying about him or not really knowing what he's up to. On this occasion, selfishly I am worried it will ruin my night worrying about him when I know they are planning a "mad one"

OP posts:
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