Hormones and tiredness or is he just not bothered about us?

[boardingschoolbaby]

Ok, so I think I probably am being unreasonable but need to air this so I can get over it.
Lots of things tied up in these feeling so will try not to drip feed but apologies if I miss something and bring it up later.
DH found out this morning that a family friend of his parents died after a long illness and the funeral is this weekend. To attend the funeral means a flight, but probably not hotel costs as he has plenty of friends and family etc still in the area. He has now booked flights at a cost of hundreds of pounds and flies this afternoon, home again Monday.
I resent this hugely as yet again we as his family are being pushed after everyone else.
Yes the person was a lovely human being. They were a friend of his parents. He has known them for a long time. We saw them over the summer.
I am pregnant with baby 3. The eldest finishes school today, we had promised to take him out for dinner tonight to celebrate the start of his holidays. DH will have left before he gets back from school.
DH has not taken all of his annual leave this year and now says oh well, I will get paid for the days in lieu next year. This has meant that other than our family holiday I have had the children on my own for the duration of every holiday when he could have spent time with us all but has chosen not to.
He took annual leave starting yesterday but then went into the city to get drunk with work colleagues as one of their clients were having drinks so left us mid morning and did not return until late very drunk.
We are supposed to be saving for maternity leave early next year; we have separate finances and I know he is not great with money but he does earn considerably more than me (we both have well paid jobs). However in my last maternity leave we had agreed in advance that he would “pay me” £500 a month for me to have as spending money for lunches, day trips etc as I would not be earning. Every month I needed to ask several times for this money as he never set up a direct debit and I was left feeling I was being unreasonable each time I asked.
Yet today he just drops far more than that with no objection or hesitation at all.
Am I unreasonable to feel that we are just not a priority for him? And how on earth do I raise this without just sounding like a needy whinger?

I think you need to separate the two issues. It's completely reasonable he wishes to go to thr funeral.

So take that out the equation and deal with the rest seperately. It's totally unreasonable to object to him going to the funeral.

I think you are probably right but I am just fed up of us being bottom of the heap

Agree with pp^^

What would you have preferred him to do with regards to the death of someone he was close to?

That’s a good question. I don’t know I suppose. He was close to their children growing up so I guess it will be good for him to catch up with them. I think part of it is also just stupid misplaced anxiety about all this drone business at Gatwick (which is not where he is flying into but has pushed up the cost due to finding alternative airports) and my catastrophising it a bit that if other idiots decide to copy then he may well not be back for Christmas.

I actually think he's been selfish going to the funeral. It's not a close family member and there are still other ways of paying his respects. Without consulting with you, he's spent loads of money, is flying abroad leaving his pregnant child and partner and abandoning all plans. Just before Christmas. I wouldn't be happy!

I obviously meant pregnant partner and children sorry

Thanks Kittykat, I think I just feel that for a man in his 40’s he is behaving like a responsibility free 20 something.

Boarding, I understand your concern but it is totally unreasonable to accuse him of being selfish if he attend this funeral of someone dear to him. I'm afraid it is you that comes across as selfish in this instance. It's not all about you and being pregnant can be emotional and taxing but we are not reduced to quivering, damsels in distress because of pregnancy. Pregnancy does not give us a free pass to impose and demand things unreasonably.

With regards to the other issues, it sounds like the two of you need to sit down and talk about them.

I don't think anyone on here can decide it's reasonable for him to go to the funeral. Once you have your own family decisions like this involve thinking about your partner and children. A woman would usually check for childcare arrangements and make sure it wasn't going to upset or inconvenience her own family before flying off..even for a funeral.

I don't think a family friend comes above your own family actually - and in any case he should consult you before missing an entire weekend.

Money wise...I don't understand separate finances once you have children. Your earnings are now directly affected by being a mother so you need to have family finances.

I don’t think I ever actually accused him of being selfish, I am just finding it hard to see his logic I think, and I am quite accepting that I may well be being unreasonable.
Far from being a damsel in distress I have a full time job plus do the bulk of childcare normally as he can be away for a week or more at at time with his job- he is back just less than 2 weeks from his last 2 weeks away. These trips are work, but they are work with a lot of play too; think shows, clubs etc.
I suppose my issue here is that it is Christmas which I adore and has always been hugely about family for me. As a family our Christmas was supposed to start yesterday but was put on hold as he was then going to go to a work function despite having booked leave, and now this so we can’t all be together until late Christmas Eve.
Maybe it is just hormones, but I just feel really bad for the boys that they aren’t getting the kind of family Christmas and build up that I always really enjoyed.

The separate finances are a sort of half deal I guess; we both have our own accounts which we get paid into and essentially do as we wish with. Some historic bits get split between our individual accounts eg, I pay pet insurances, he pays mobile phones. Most household bills come out of a joint account which we both put a Direct debit into each month to cover mortgage, bills, food shop and the like. He has a lot of work related costs; flights, hotels etc that he then claims back so it is easier to keep it all separate to our household account so it just kind of happened this way and for the most part works for us quite well.

There are several issues here. On the death of someone dear to him, what would you rather? Him not going to the funeral? A death and funeral has far greater meaning and emotional impact than missing a work meeting. It's not like he can postpone going to the funeral until a later time. You may miss a day or two with him but he will be back Christmas Eve. Do you think he will feel good, relaxed and happy missing this funeral and instead spending the two days with his wife who is very capable of managing in his absence for this important event?

Yabvu.

Yes I think you are right, part of the reason that I have loved him for the last 20 years is because he is a kind person, and not wanting to go would make him not that person.
I think it is just the perceived double standard that has jarred with me. But perception is always a tricky thing I guess.

I wouldn't begrudge the funeral though I completely appreciate being left on your own unexpectedly this weekend is really hard and I would secretly be a bit gutted about that but for a funeral no I wouldn't say anything.

The other issues need to be tackled but I would maybe handle these at some future point.

Indeed. I think I am just feeling sad about some of the things that we won’t get to do together this weekend, which is probably doubly unfair to begrudge him as he quite possibly isn’t even aware of half of what we were going to do. Monday we are off to visit family for Christmas so I think I just feel sad that he won’t be here for our one bit of just us time, but of course there will hopefully be many other years.

So has he recently changed? I don't know why you'd have three children with someone that doesn t put family durst unless that's the case

I don’t think he has changed really. I think that as career pressures and family demands increase that cracks probably become more obvious. None of us are perfect, but there are times when things start to become an issue I guess.