To be a little annoyed

[OnNaturesCourse]

Been told today, while in a large group of people, that I need to start 'saying no' more and being stricter with my child as 'the tantrums' and reactions to not getting what they want are starting 'too early'. Basically my child is getting spolit and has a temper because of it.

For reference my child is under 18 months, and understands the word 'no' (.. And thus knows they aren't getting what they want so will occasionally protest) A so called tantrum is dealt with by either distraction or ignoring it. I do admit that my child does have a temper, but in no means does it get them what they want. I kind of figure that a temper is something my child will need to learn to manage as they get older, but it's not something a child this young knows much about?

Surely its up to me how I raise my child!? I think that at this age all children react in similar way to not getting their own way? I must say 'no' often enough to them if they know what it means!?

AIBU to tell this person to piss off next time, or is it really unusual for children this young to have tantrums?

But sometimes it happens so quickly! I had to remove him from climbing on top of the sofa to get to the window, I put him on the floor and he kicked off and banged his head on the sofa.

It’s not as if he’s left tantrumming on his own, I do intervene.

Of course it's normal. My toddler throws himself facedown on the floor when I say no. I can then distract him and he gets over it.

A young toddler can't distinguish well between their needs and wants and so are devastated when you say no. It's all part of the learning process.

I found the 'terrible twos' came a lot earlier than 2! She could speak a lot better by the age of 2 and her understanding was a lot better (eg we can't go out until you've put your coat on) so she got less frustrated at this age. 18 - 24 months was probably the worst time for tantrums for us, didn't want to get in car seat etc

@Thentherewascake and @Elphie54

It is normal. Just because my son has never done it (he's never had a tantrum) doesn't mean it isn't normal for another child. Kids have different personalities and different ways of reacting. I've been around enough toddlers to know there's a huge spectrum of 'normal'.

You can also say that a child running feral in a restaurant screaming whilst his parents have a drink is "normal". Children's behaviour needs to be managed, that's where the difference is.

My DS1 had awful tantrums, from about 9 months.

By the time he was 18 months he'd started banging his head on the floor, but only on a carpeted floor! He tried it once at a toddler group where there was a wooden floor, but only the once! It hurt too much for him to try it again, and he was able to remember and not do it again.

He did it because people would intervene to stop him hurting himself and he'd get lots of cuddles while I was told off for being a horrible mother - but if they watched carefully they'd realise that he was carefully kneeling down and tapping his head on the carpet, not flinging himself down and braining himself on a hard floor.

It is obviously normal for toddlers to have tantrums! I've had four children and the degree of tantrumming varies hugely dependant on personality!

Before two I am a strong believer that you cannot really discipline. They have the memory of a goldfish at that age. They would have forgotten what you were punishing them for and think you were just being cruel. Comfort and distraction is what's needed. I also think staying to label emotions can be healthy ("I can see you are very sad/angry). I think if op came on here and said she was punishing for temper tantrums she would have destroyed on AIBU, so not sure what the posters who say she should be "managing" it better, think she should be doing.

My current two year old is really strong willed and started tantrumming well before 2. When people commented I would just say "yes, I know, he's very advanced for his age! "

Absolutely age appropriate. Kids are going to be disappointed when they are told no. Yes, crying is uncomfortable for people to hear and in certain situations it’s best to remove the child to somewhere less busy but it’s a perfectly healthy reaction for a 1yr old to disappointment. As they get older they will learn different ways to express their disappointment - pestering, being in a mood and finally acceptance that you can’t have everything ime. All you need to do is comfort your child and tell them you understand they’re disappointed but they need to do x because of y. I would give simple explanations using vocab like sad, angry, disappointed etc even at that age.
The only children that age who don’t cry are those who are punished for it ime - they are also at greater risk of mh problems in later life due to bottling up emotions so it’s not a good thing imo.

@thentherewascake tantrums are perfectly normal at that age and are because the child doesn't know what to do with the emotions they are feeling. Try looking it up FFS instead of being so high and bloody mighty.

kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html
www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/temper-tantrums/
www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/behaviour/how-deal-toddler-tantrums

OP, you're using all the techniques recommended now to deal with tantrums. Tell the person in your story to fuck the fuck off.

Tempers are inherent in some people. My children were patented in the same way. One has a temper and the other no more than the average person. Tempers also do not necessarily cause tantrums. My hot tempered child has always had fewer tantrums. He silently seethes instead. Just ignore them, they clearly don’t know what they are talking about.

At that age the difference between kids is mainly just temperament; tantrums are just the inability to regulate their emotions which is normal for a toddler. Unless you're actually feeding into the tantrum by getting irate yourself or reacting to it by giving them everything they want then you're doing nothing wrong.

Crazyfrog007
try reading my posts. I never said that tantrums are not normal, I said that smashing your head against the wall or the floor is not normal!

Leaving your child screaming and rolling around in the middle of a supermarket is not normal either. That is what lazy parenting is. Most of our kids had tantrums, mine as much as anyone else, but some of us manage them and don't let them make a scene which is completely unnecessary, let alone hurting themselves.

For someone to pipe in and tell a mother she should say "no", it sounds like the child has a bad temper and his behaviour is a nuisance for everybody, because he's not being managed. Or you know, parent.

@thentherewascake it’s lovely that you have such malleable children but not all children can be controlled like that. The reason you likely haven’t seen it is because parents with over emotional children often don’t go out as much of leave when they see that their child is getting upset to avoid inconveniencing others. I speak from experience when I say that with some children tantrums are impossible to prevent.

I've never been crazy strict with any of my children yet somehow they've all grown up learning how to regulate their emotions

Racecardriver
that's exactly my point, removing the child when necessary and not inconveniencing others is part of the way normal adults parents.
Leaving them screaming, and banging their head against the wall? That's a worry on how the child is notraised!

My daughter is a head-banger, something I found really frightening when she was smaller. All, and I mean, ALL the advice I got from HCPs when I mentioned it was not to feed the behaviour by reacting. So, to make sure she couldn’t really hurt herself - slide a cushion under her head if necessary - and then ignore.
So please don’t tell the OP that she’s not parenting her child. Instead, maybe think about how lucky you’ve been to have such compliant toddlers.

I've had 4 toddlers of my own who are now older teenagers/adults. I've seen a lot of tantrums over the years from them and the children of friends and a lot of different ways of dealing with them. I particularly remember there being certain parents who were very proud of their parenting and sneeringly judgemental of other people's parenting, just like some of the posters on this thread.

But parenting is a long old game and some of those who were so pleased with themselves and had all the answers when their children were under 12 have found the teenage years a bit of a shock.

It's even easier to judge someone on an anonymous parenting forum when nobody knows you and your children. I'm not sure what it's supposed to achieve though.

@thentherewascake

Youve literally said:

'that being said, it's not normal toddler behaviour to throw tantrums all the time for no reason...'

Then blamed lazy parenting.

OP clearly states it's because he doesn't like to be told no and once in a while. So typical toddler behaviour.

Oh FFS.

App and paragraphs clearly don't mix.

I couldn’t really get overly bothered about a child tantrumming in a supermarket tbh. Yes you could take them outside but that’s not really going to encourage them to quieten down in the same way telling them you have to leave somewhere they are enjoying might. Sometimes you just have to get what you need as quickly as possible and ignore. It’s not the greatest sound but a 1 yr old tantrumming isn’t a parenting fail it’s perfectly normal. In fact I’d say that the parents who buy their children whatever sweets, toys etc they demand in the supermarket to keep them quiet are probably the ones setting themselves up for problems long term, despite the fact that their children aren’t disturbing anyone. Keeping your child quiet at all costs using bribes, threats or whatever isn’t some shining example of parenting.