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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I was so stupid.

26 replies

CrazyLady82 · 21/12/2018 02:59

Alright I was completely unreasonable last weekend.

I am in USA.

Background info:
I don't like my DD (16) boyfriend. I think he is a lazy *^$. My DD drives him places and he will only come see her if she picks him up or goes to his. He is 19. No job. Stays with mommy and plays video games all day. Does not go to school. When he is out with DD and her friends or at our home he will not interact with anyone. Always asks if they can go. When he goes out with friends he will never invite DD to go with him.

DD attends school full time participates in Archery club every Saturday and is currently working on school breaks to earn spending money. She (and her whole choir class) have been invited to sing at Carnegie Hall in NYC in 2020.

My problem. Last weekend I got tired of seeing my daughter used by her boyfriend. Dd went and picked him up and brought him to the house. He went walk the 6 blocks to get here.

When they got here I laid into him and told him what I think. I was not nice. I basically told him he was a douche bag and a lazy a hole.

I've been guilt ridden ever since. While I feel that had to say something to him about how he treats my daughter I should not have done it the way I did.

I know I need to apologize (and grovel a bit). I don't know how to go about it. Any advice would be helpful.

I don't like the guy but I want to get along with him for my daughter.

OP posts:

ShalomJackie · 21/12/2018 03:07

The apology needs to be along the lines I am sorry if I was harsh but I stand by what I said. I am sure you think my daughter deserves more respect than you give her at present and it wouldn't hurt you to get here under your own steam once in a while.

The only problem I see is that perpetual problem of kids liking the ones you don't almost in a perverse way! Kill him with kindness and she'll probably go right off him!!

Lovingbenidorm · 21/12/2018 03:14

How is a 16yo driving?😳
Also, he sounds like a total arse wipe.
Am I being really thick here? How are you allowing your 16yo dd to be going out with a 19yo loser?
Have I missed something?

tiddlyipom · 21/12/2018 03:22

16 year olds can drive in the US also in Australia.

Lovingbenidorm · 21/12/2018 03:26

Cheers tiddlypom didn’t know that.
Am horrified that 16yo’s can drive tho!
Still think boyfriend sounds like a knobend

Broken11Girl · 21/12/2018 03:26

Because they're in the US benidorm
It wasn't really ok to use that kind of language, or indeed interfere in the relationship. Agree with ShalomJackie, would suggest apologising for the way you spoke but discussing your issues with him in a calm way. Then leave it - going all out will only make them more keen, Romeo and Juliet effect.

Cherries101 · 21/12/2018 03:29

I wouldn’t apologise. You don’t approve of him as a human being. He knows it now. Move on.

Oceanbliss · 21/12/2018 03:29

What ShalomJackie has said. Honestly I dread the day my dd is old enough to date. Of course you don't want to watch your dd being treated badly by a douche bag, lazy a hole. I probably would have reacted badly too.

Are there any good books for adolescent girls that discuss what is a healthy vs unhealthy relationship? I'd be looking for ways of encouraging your dd how to develop the understanding that she deserves to be treated better.
It's hard for us parents to help our children and advise them when adolescent years are about trying to figure out who you are and wanting to do things differently from your parents. for you.

Lovingbenidorm · 21/12/2018 03:32

Can she see that he is treating her in a disrespectful way?

Original poster

CrazyLady82 · 21/12/2018 03:36

Thank you for the replies. I agree I need to apologize for how I spoke to him. I have already told daughter that I will say no more about it unless I think he is hurting her.

Benidorm I don't let her date him. I have tried to discourage it and push her to spend her time with her activities and her friends(whom won't hang with her if he is around). There is only so much I can do unless I just point blank refuse to allow them together. Which would not end well.

On a side note benidorm if driving at 16 shocks you DD started driving at 14 with her learner's permit (adult had to be in car with her). At 15 she got a school permit. My work hours didn't allow me to take her, same with DH. We live too far for her to walk and there is no public transit where we live.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/12/2018 03:37

@Lovingbenidorm

16 year olds drive in the United States. Unlike waiting for-fucking-ever in the UK. Op, you may have spouted off in frustration but I wouldn't apologise for what you said because it's the truth. Your daughter needs to hear it.

Lovingbenidorm · 21/12/2018 03:46

crazy sorry if I came across as flippant.
Re the driving, I have my head in my hands at the thought of my teen dc driving 😳
You’ve got a lot on your plate here and I really wish you luck, genuine.
You’re right, it’s not a matter of ‘allowing ‘ them to go out with someone.
Tough though when you’ve got a bright, hardworking achiever who is all over someone who you (as an adult) can see is wasting his life.
Hopefully she will realise this

knittedjest · 21/12/2018 03:46

I'm sorry but who the fuck do you think you are? Why do parents do this? Did you not engage your brain? Who do you think is going to come out of this looking bad in your daughters eyes, you or him? He isn't hurting her and your daughter is entitled to make dating mistakes and learn from them like everybody else but you will drive her to them him for good if you keep behaving like this. Keep your mouth shut and nose out of her business.

Lovingbenidorm · 21/12/2018 03:52

knittedjest that was a bit harsh! Op is concerned about her 16yo. And rightly so.
It’s amazing that a 16yo can drive in USA but can’t drink wtf?!
I’ve got teen kids and would be VERY unhappy in this situation

Cherries101 · 21/12/2018 03:53

@knittedjest —the age of consent in most parts of the US is 18. That means OP’s daughter is the UK equivalent of a 14 year old. Her mum is well within her rights to report him to the police!

Auntiepatricia · 21/12/2018 03:57

I think OP just treated someone who was very recently a child very badly. And it really wasn’t her place to tell him he’s basically a total loser. Clearly her dd is a much better human being but if she was my mother I’d have lost all respect for her in how she has done this. It wasn’t her place, it was mean and the kid deserves an apology.

Auntiepatricia · 21/12/2018 03:58

Forgot the after ‘clearly her dd is a much better human being’

Lovingbenidorm · 21/12/2018 04:02

How is he “very recently a child” ???
If a 19 yo waste of space was sniffing around my 16 yo..............

Cherries101 · 21/12/2018 04:04

I would be very worried if an unemployed 19 yo was seeing my 16yo and basically using her like a joey. Sometimes being the responsible parent means being the bad guy.

Lovingbenidorm · 21/12/2018 04:05

Ahhh thang ooooo Cherries

Original poster

CrazyLady82 · 21/12/2018 04:22

knittedjest I am her mother that is who I am. I do know that how I went about what I did was wrong, but I am not going to sit idle while some man treats my daughter like a tool.

Yes she does need to make her own mistakes. That doesn't mean I let her get used in the process.

Auntie You are right he needs an apology. I have asked DD if he will speak with me when he is ready. I do have his phone number but do not feel right contacting him unless he says it is okay at this point.

I know I messed up. I have already stated that in the OP.

benidorm the side note about driving was in jest. I still freak out inside everytime she drives somewhere. I wish you luck when they start driving. Some days I want to hide the car keys from her.

OP posts:

Rafabella · 21/12/2018 04:55

It is honourable that you want to apologise for the manner in which you addressed the issue with him, but you are correct, tread carefully when you apologise. Make sure he understands that the apology is for the delivery and not the matter in hand. Your daughter obviously sees something in him however she is young. My guess is this will fizzle out in time when she realises the imbalance in the relationship. Rather than overly worry about him, concentrate on drip feeding her with what makes a great relationship etc etc rather than commenting on her actual relationship - such as it is at the moment. Keep her closest. Subliminal messages. Reverse psychology etc. Wishing you well. Also - seriously some people need a profanity filter on this site. Shocked at the level of bad language. Used too frequently these days. Very sad.

jackio2205 · 21/12/2018 05:06

Honestly I think you should apologise and not follow up with any 'buts', its like a fake apology. You feel how you feel and rightly so in my eyes, but make an apology just that, an apology. It's really bloody hard in this situation but maybe try and see another side, I'm sure your daughter is a smart girl and surely she sees good in him, he can't be all bad, maybe he doesn't have the support at home to understand how to be an adult.
Try being constructive with him in time and ask him what he wants from life, job, family, holidays, house, car, travel etc etc. In order to have this converstion however he's got to respect you and he won't if he thinks you're giving him a lecture or thinks you hate him, you got to work out how you can like this guy and get him on your side for him to listen.
Good luck! X

Degustibusnonestdisputandem1 · 21/12/2018 05:09

16 year olds can't drive in Australia by the way. It's 18 when you're allowed to drive. (16 is L plates)

snitzelvoncrumb · 21/12/2018 05:22

Some of us have to date boys like that before we learn not to. I wouldn't apologise, infact I would probably ban him from the house. If it's your car stop letting her use it to drive him around.

KeiTeNgeNge · 21/12/2018 05:44

It’s a difficult situation. How has your dd reacted?

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