To not want to socialise with my friend and her kids anymore?

[burningcandle]

My really good friend (and neighbour) has three DS 7, 6 & 2. We got really friendly with them when we moved in to our house six years ago and have had many many great nights out as couples.
The problem is that when we get together with the children they are off the scale badly behaved (my DS 6 & DD5 too). My children never ever behave this way when with other children/families we see so it's very frustrating that they act up with their DC. It's never enjoyable for anyone as we're all getting on at the kids!
Her children are often in trouble at school etc and I know their behaviour worries her a lot. (So much so she's had one of them assessed by education psych)
I love her as a friend so would never want to hurt her feelings but I can't have another afternoon of carnage in my house but it seems she just gets over it and invites us over it suggests days out!
Thanks if you managed to read my essay

Maybe you could try and socialise with them without the kids ? Or limit it to short visits. It's a bit harsh to stop seeing them completely and it sounds like apart from this issue you got on well.

Can't you just try and have grown up outings together? Maybe you could diplomaticically say you would like to spend some time away from the kids (ie yours too) - sounds like she could do with a break

oneweekleft snap

Yeah @Oneweekleft that's what I mean, I'm happy to still go out as couples as we've had some great nights but I just don't know how to handle it when she asks if we want do something with kids. She's already asking to get together on NYE and I'm ready to say yes but DH is saying no way!
I just hate hurting people's feelings

@DeeOK I know you are right, she definitely needs a break. I think that's why I feel so bad as I know she is struggling so don't want to add to her misery by saying we can't get together with the kids anymore.
It was my sons birthday last week and her eldest broke my sons main birthday present within ten minutes of being in our house. It was horrible,she felt bad, we felt bad for her feeling bad. Our son was hysterical

If your children behave badly around hers as well can you not just be honest with her? ‘I love your company but our kids just don’t behave when they get together and I find it really stressful. Can we limit that, but make sure it doesn’t stop you and I seeing each other’? She might be relieved that you’ve brought it up!

@checkingforballoons again you are right and I know deep down I need to be honest with her. We kind of got into a habit of seeing each other every weekend and I think the kids all maybe became too comfortable in each other's houses IYKWIM?

Oh absolutely. But if you don’t talk to her it will build and probably end up in an explosion!

I really sympathise OP, my dearest friends son is challenging and him in the mix with my boys tests my patience! Try to encourage ‘adult time’ and if you do have to mix the kids every so often, organise the ever loving shit out of them and schedule activities maybe?

It's hard isn't it @QueenofallIsee? It is better when we 'do something' ie bowling..... I feel for her totally but find it so draining!

Maybe say it’s too much having everyone in your house and you prefer to meet up in the park for a shorter period. See if that’s better?

I have this with a friend too and have limited our contact to without kids. I think you must do this as otherwise you are teaching your child they need to put up with someone who hurts their feelings and doesn't respect their stuff because of your feelings and friendship with the mum. Teach your child real friends don't hurt each other. I would not see them Nye and be clear why, from now on limit any meetings with kids to short external to the home, you go out for coffee with woman alone. Teaching your child to expect others to respect them and their feelings matter helps your children to form healthy relationships in future and I think avoid being in domestically abusive relationships.