Godparents, yay or nay?

[lovingthesimplelife]

Hello, long-standing user here but recently name-changed through worry of being outed! MN is always fab for advice so here I go again...

My partner and I are happily arranging our little boys Christening. Together we chose my partners sister to be Godmother. Asking her before our sons birth she excitedly accepted. She moved abroad weeks after son was born. This is fine and of corse she had our full support. Days, weeks and months went by. We heard nothing from her? Enjoying her new life she completely lost interest in us and our son. Wanting our son to have a Godmother we asked partners cousin if she would like to be Godmother. When asked she cried tears of joy/happily said yes. Fast forward a few weeks and now she doesn't want to be Godmother as she is worried about money/attending Christening/partners Sister feeling really upset at being replaced.

AIBU to feel upset by this second let down? If someone thought enough of me to ask me to be Godmother to their baby I would feel honoured. I feel like I am begging my partners family to be a part of our Sons life.

Are Godparents really important these days? Am I taking this too much to heart? I have had a hell of a lot of shit from partners family over the years and I worry I am being a bit touchy because of this.

Thank you in advance MN x

It's usual practice for you to have 3 godparents and for a boy, it's usually 2 men and 1 woman.

Is there anyone on your side of the family you can ask?

Is there anyone in church you can ask?

Close friends are often better than relatives. A relative already has a role in the baby's life as aunt or uncle. I'm sure you do have some close friends who'd be delighted to step up.

Btw, I don't know why the cousin is worried about money, it doesn't cost anything to be a Godparent. People usually do buy presents at Christenings but I'm sure you wouldn't hold it against her if she was broke.

Four godparents each.

I love being a godparent.

We have the Godfathers covered (my side of the family). They have been fantastic! It's the 'Godmother' we are struggling with. Out of respect to my partner we wanted to chose someone from his family. They have made me feel so crappy (and gutted for their lack of love for my son) that I am ready to scrap the whole Godmother role all together. I would feel embarrassed to ask family/friend/church member now as they would know they are 3rd choice? I do love the idea of asking a member of the church though x

Why stick to family? DD’s godparents (2 godmothers, one godfather, C of E) are our friends.

I am godmother to my niece, I never remember I am, I’m her aunt.

You can has many or as few as you wish.

as not has

Hummm a lot to think about! I am liking the idea of friends over family. Why did I never think of this before? I guess we just chose people (we thought) we were closest too? Thank you you lot xx

Have as many or as few as you like. There are no rules!! My DS has one godmother, DH's niece.

I think you shouldn’t have replaced the DS’s aunt without checking she had lost interest. Relatives can be sensitive! If the replacement now feels unable to do it can you build bridges with the aunt and ask a friend as well? They can both be godparents if they are interested.

The Godparents of my DC haven’t taken it seriously. If I’m honest, I would not have bothered if I had known then what I know now! My sister refused (couldn’t agree that she would have anything to do with DCs and the church) and we did ask friends but I don’t think my children gained anything from it in any sense - religious or financially. Definitely not the latter! We didn’t care about the religious side and let our Dc decide on that and they certainly had no guidance from god parents. In fact one god mother has not seen them for years.

Bubbles, thanks for your reply. Very valid point that we should have asked partners Sis if she still wanted the role before asking partners cousin. I think we were just a bit miffed by the lack of communication? And thanks again, your relaxed view/experience on Godparents have made me feel a bit more relaxed. Right now it feels like such a big deal but I know in 5 years no one will give a shit 😂 x

Why can't you have both?

DD has 4 Godparents- all our friends who we’ve had consistently in our lives for many years. We did think about relatives but decided that they already have a ‘role’ in her life e.g aunt, uncle etc.

Jeez, as an outsider I wonder if you are over sensitive.

Godmother choice 1 has just moved abroad and is presumably re-establishing life. How much attention did you want her to give your wee one who or presumably isn't very interactive on long distance communication devices.

I'm a "not-a" godmother (I'm not religious) I touch base every few months with the boys. We send the odd postcard and we trade pictures via their Mum's what's app. They are 6&9 now. I don't buy Christmas gifts as there are hordes of kids in my life and I would find buying for them all overwhelming.

I do remember birthdays though.

I would hate to feel that my input was being judged in the way some describe on this thread.

'Optionatedfreak' Your user name says it all! You truly are 'optionated' but at the same time I do appreciate your input. Yes, Godmother 1 is reevaluating her life. She had a shit time and no life in the UK. All we asked for was the odd text? Maybe even a little FaceTime in 6 months? It's hard to judge the input when input is zero?? What you do for the little ones in your life is more than enough/what we would expect! ZERO input is my worry though? But I do accept I may be be being a little emoshe? He's my first born and I just want to do things right! X

I think Opinionated has a point.
She's just moved abroad, presumably this is a pretty big life change. It isn't like a bay can be face-timing her.
It seems a very odd thing to do to have asked her, and then dismissed her from the role without even talking to her about it

Equally, how far is the cousin coming that it is going to cost her so much ? You can still be a Godparent without being able to attend the Christening in person, but if her not being able to make it isn't for a particular reason, how will she feature in your LO's life after the Christening ?

Being a God Parent is a lifelong commitment - it is about being there for the Godchild as a child, as a teen, and as an adult, it isn't all about 'being around' when the baby is just weeks and months old, and, let's be frank, not that interesting to anyone who isn't their parent (or possibly grandparent).

I'm also inclined to agree it doesn't need to be a relation. In many instances someone who isn't related is better.

I thought children in the U.K. (if that is where you are) get half a dozen Godparents each! (I saw something on a royal baby and am now an expert!).

If so, can they both be Godmothers – along with another close female friend?

I've been in this situation and understand how you feel. My advice:

1. Take the time you need to decide. Don’t rush it.

I feel sad about the Godparents I chose for my son and should have chosen differently. A Godparent is not like (for example) a bridesmaid – where once the wedding is over, the role is finished. The Christening is only the beginning and not that important (I don’t think they all need to even attend) – the important part comes afterwards (it was extra important to me because my sons’ father is absent, and I wanted to nurture other loving, lifelong relationships).

1. Be clear about what you expect from the Godparents (I know this might sound entitled and awkward, but I wish I had)!

For example – I wanted my son’s Godparents to send him birthday and Christmas cards (presents would have been a bonus, but not expected). I would have been overjoyed with the kind of input that opinionatedfreak mentions! However, I do not receive even a text or Facebook message on my son’s birthday, let alone a card.

My son’s Godparents are one of my older sisters and her husband. Their kids are teens now and I’ve always been pretty consistent with birthday and Christmas presents, so I thought they would do similar in return.

They don't. It is not the end of the world, we do have a loving extended family and close friends. There are others who do remember his birthday - I just should have chosen them as Godparents instead of who I did! They do see him sometimes at family events and show a polite interest - so being simply an aunty/uncle would have been a better fit than being Godparents.

I know how you feel :-)

What exactly do you expect a godmother to do when your baby is less than a year old and they live abroad?

We had to have at least one godparent of the opposite gender to the child. So if your parish is like ours you won't be able to not have a godmother x

Thanks for your responses. Ooo good point PP, I must check with our Parish to see if a Godmother is required. I could also check if we are allowed multiple Godmothers as that could be an ideal solution to my dilemma (having both partners Sis and Cousin)!
To the posters that have asked what we expect from a Godmother abroad... honestly we would really appreciate the odd phone call/message to show she cares? Even the odd 'like' on Facebook would be nice!
I come from a very close family and maybe my expectations are a little high but with technology these days it takes seconds to show someone you are thinking of them. Again we have heard nothing/zero/zilch in 6 months! But I do appreciate everyone is different. My worry is that if she is not showing any interest now, will she show any interest in the future? I just want what's best for my little boy!

I don't think we'll bother, not right away anyway. When we were younger we talked about it even though we're not religious, as it would have meant a lot to some of our friends. But since then I've kind of learned that you really don't know who is going to be there for you over the years. You can be best friends and barely speaking a year later. Others can come out of nowhere and be the more supportive than you ever imagined. And this is before even having DC! I would rather wait and see who is there for DC when they are a few years old and then call them a godparent because they have always been there for him/her.

Excellent advice Trisk! I am making myself sick with worry over all this. The thought of waiting a few years sounds so appealing. And you are totally right, there are no guarantees with who will be there for us throughout the years. Thank you.

I prefer the way we do it in the Church of Scotland, where the whole congregation takes a vow to support the baby's future spiritual growth. Individual godparents are optional, and the actual parents make vows to raise the baby as a Christian.