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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Where to eat Christmas dinner

16 replies

ColourShape · 20/12/2018 20:18

DH and I are arguing about whose parents to eat with on Christmas day. My parents always ask in advance and want us to spend the meal with them, and we stop by go see DH's and exchange gifts etc. (They live close by). In over ten years together, there have been number of occasions where his parents don't make contact for months with us and focus on his siblings and don't even mention seeing us on the day, much less invite us to eat. This year, after I told my DM we'd be coming (hadn't had another offer, apart from spending it just the two of us, so thought DH would agree) MIL had mentioned that her other (adult) kids are spending Christmas with their own in laws and we are welcome. DH thinks that after years of awkwardness and feeling unwelcome, we ought to go. He is now saying the invitation has always been open and there are no set plans, despite being upset in previous years to be ignored - even to the point of seeing them, being sent away as dinner was served and sulking at my DPs' house. Am I unreasonable for not wanting to take this great opportunity that has been offered for the first time and 'solve' the issues that are clearly there? Or would it be more unreasonable to do what DH wants and upset my DM who has always included us and tell her I'd essentially rather be with the in laws who mostly ignore us?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 20/12/2018 23:25

Seems a bit late to be asking now.
I would say "Oh, what a shame, we've already accepted an invitation for this year. Maybe we can spend the day together next year?" Then talk to them beofre accepting an invitation from your parents next year.

It does seem odd that you've not invited his parents to you, or spent the day at theirs in over 10 years though.

Cherries101 · 20/12/2018 23:29

Just tell your DH no. That you’ve already accepted the invite and it’s wrong to change plans at such short notice.

Littlelambpeep · 20/12/2018 23:31

I think I would just eat at home yourselves and visit both at some point in the day

FelixTitling · 20/12/2018 23:37

You already have plans.

Do you ever have either set of parents to yours? We've got both sets coming to us this year. I've bought a large bottle of gin.

TrippingTheVelvet · 20/12/2018 23:52

You can't bin off your parents because a new offer has came in. They might have a lot of the food already bought in. And even if they don't, it's rude.

Original poster

ColourShape · 21/12/2018 17:52

Thanks for your replies. I also felt it was a bit late to be asking, we already had made plans and it's unfair to let my family down.

He doesn't agree.

He wants the meal they're having i.e. The whole turkey, rather than a small version we usually have on our own on a different day, so he won't eat at home. We have to travel to them (they live near each other, but not us, and we go there because all other siblings and grandparents on both sides are near to them) so realistically we need to eat with one or the other. He seems so grateful they've finally offered and doesn't want to turn it down in case they don't bother next year!

Can I go to my parents' and he his?!?!

OP posts:

TheRedFox · 21/12/2018 17:56

@ColourShape If I've understood correctly you've been invited to go to your parents' on Xmas day and to eat there and you've accepted?

If that is the case it would be very rude for either of you to now tell them that you've got a better offer and won't be going.

Perhaps you could thank your DH's parents for the invitation, explain that you've already accepted another invitation for Christmas but politely suggest you see them for Boxing Day lunch instead.

I wouldn't be happy if my DH reneged on a plan 4 days before Christmas.

loubluee · 21/12/2018 18:02

This sounds like your dh is glad they’ve offered him an invite. It’s more about him feeling that they want him for once.

I would talk to your parents explain the situation and hopefully they will understand you going to theirs.

ChristmasKnickers · 21/12/2018 18:18

I'd be very upset if my Christmas Day guests (daughter, son-in-law, grandchildren) cancelled today...I have already bought all the food and am picking up a prepaid mega sized turkey on Monday!

Illness I'd understand, obviously, but to be binned off because of another (exceptionally late!) invitation would be hurtful 😢

Your mum would be hurt too. Please don't do this. (Your DH is being VERY unreasonable! )

Fairylightfurore · 21/12/2018 18:22

Your DH is being rude. You have accepted an invitation. Phone up your mil and apologise, say you'd love to come another year but that you Mum invited you X long ago and you accepted so can't let her down. She'll understand. If your DH doesn't like it then maybe he should ask hismum whether you can come around earlier in the year.

Original poster

ColourShape · 21/12/2018 18:42

I think it would be incredibly rude not to go when we've accepted, but I getting the impression he's going to do what he pleases. I accepted my mum's invitation (not him directly) and he's the only one who has spoken directly to his mum. It's a bit difficult for me to ring her and say no on his behalf when she didn't speak to me!

I'm sure he's worried they won't ask again if he doesn't go, which isn't outside the realms of possibility. He's started criticising the fact that my mum asked 'so early' now - November!

OP posts:

tillytrotter1 · 21/12/2018 20:08

You're asked because all the other siblings are going elsewhere? Seems a bit cheeky to me. Stick to the original plan!

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 21/12/2018 23:28

I think - against most posters views - that in light of the fact you have spent every (correct me if I’m wrong but that’s how I read it) Christmas eating with your parents , the one year your DH gets an invite you won’t change your plans?
Yes, I know your mum will be upset? Cheesed off? but she has seen you and your DH lots at Christmases past.
Your husband obviously has issues with his parents and rightly or wrongly he feels this invite could be the start of something new. So can you really not explain this to your mum and then - for once- go to his parents for lunch.
You will probably be able to predict that it won’t go well and they will drop your DH again for his siblings but would it really really hurt you to go for your husband? I feel really sorry for him - he feels like the unwanted son. This year - last minute- they want him (for whatever reason) and you are refusing him this opportunity.

You dont have to upset your mum by telling her you would rather be with them - stop being silly. You tell her the bloody truth!! That you would rather be with them but since you have been with them for the last TEN YEARS you are this year doing this to make your husband happy.
Maybe next year invite both sets of parents to yours.
Maybe his parents are a bit off with your DH because you obviously favour your parents over his ( naturally) and maybe they get upset because they feel excluded from their sons life. This is simply surmising on my part obviously but I do think for your husbands sake you should go to his parents. And if his parents are as awful as you make out then you have done your duty and you need never go again for Christmas. But if you don’t go you run the risk of your DH never forgiving you this opportunity as it may never happen again.

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 21/12/2018 23:34

Oh and I wouldn’t ever advocate declining an invitation when you receive a better one. It’s the height of rudeness.
But this second invite isn’t a better one is it? You would be doing it for your husband , for his self esteem and his emotional health.

You can still go to your mums for an hour to see her and then spend Boxing Day with her if you can. But I really really think you should do this for your husband.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 22/12/2018 01:05

I would go to your mums. Surely he can see his parents are only inviting you as second best. What happens next year?

trojanpony · 22/12/2018 01:22

your DH is happy for the crumbs his parents are throwing him.
I feel a little sorry for him (& also you as you are bearing the brunt)

i'd nicely reiterate that 4 days before Christmas food has been bought and it's too late to change things, offer a visit to PIL on boxing day.
If he isn't keen for that option, then you need to decide whether this is a line in the sand (ie. you are going with or without him) or whether he "needs this win" and you should go to support him (this assumes your relationship with your own parents is good/strong can afford to take a hit).

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