Final straw! Wanting to go no contact with mil. Am I being unreasonable to do this at Christmas?

[fruityvicar]

Long story of my mil being very selfish and self obsessed. She pretty much left her 3 kids ages 11-15 and went off with her now husband. Very strained relationship with all three kids who are now in this 30s. They get a text on their birthdays and not much else. My husband is the eldest. He seems the least effected by the mother and her actions years ago. Has pretty much done his own thing, seeing I once or twice a year. She was difficult over our wedding arrangements. At first I felt it was me she didn't like but having seem more of her I think she's horrible to everyone. Our son was born this year and she has been very disinterested. My family are close to him and very hands on so I don't feel he is missing out on anything yet but it will only be a few years before he notices how different things are. She has her 'step' grandchildren to stay, days out etc. My husband has been hurt by her lack of interest deep down and is ready to confront her. My view is I'd rather be no contact than him seeing her being so distant and unloving as he gets older. So really does it matter that it's Christmas? Do we approach her or just cut them out? My fear is we confront her and she starts making an effort temporarily and then we are back at square one Any experiences would be very welcome.

Why don't you confront her, tell her how you feel and see how it goes?

Surely for everyone it's worth a try and if not, well at least you've tried.

The whole point of this thread was that 2 weeks ago I lost a close family member and have heard nothing from mil etc. Over the years they've had card and flowers from us when their close relatives have died and even a text offering to help with baby or something would have been appreciated. There are so many little things and now I'm done! My son is so beautiful and precious and I can't imagine not wanting to be a part of a grandchilds life. Maybe because my father won't ever get that chance so I'm more angry a mil all of a sudden

Your title says 'final straw', but your OP is about her more generally. What's happened to tip you over the edge? If it's something specific then do it now. If it isn't there might be something to be said for leaving it - new year, new start.

The important thing is that you support your DH if he wants to call it a day to save his own sanity.

Sorry, x post.

Thanks for your reply. I think that is what is the adult thing to do. I just don't feel like we should always be the 'adult' if that makes sense

I'm curious that you feel the need to do anything about this, almost like you are trying to protect by going on the offence.

Ah, I cross-posted.

Maybe because my father won't ever get that chance so I'm more angry a mil all of a sudden

So, this is some kind of transference?

My husband has been hurt by her lack of interest deep down and is ready to confront her.

Perhaps a gentle curiosity would work better than a confrontation?

It shouldnt really be up to you to decide if your dh goes NC. Of course you can go NC yourself and not facilitate meetings and grandchildren visits but its up to your dh what he does.

I get that you are angry as it seems so unfair that your ds will not get to spend with a dgf who would have been so involved and your MIL is so disinterested. I still think that this is for your dp to resolve but you are justified in wanting to.go nc with her. She sounds absolutely heartless.

I get you and I lost a couple of family members this year and my MIL knows and hasn't said a word. I wasn't angry or annoyed but it would be nice for her to have said something - maybe she thought staying away was the best thing?

I get you're angry but you're also grieving and any rash decisions like this may be done out of grief.

You're right. My husband really needs to make his decisions. At the moment he's saying he'll support me whatever but this is too big for him to just go along with it. I think (thank you voice of reason munsnet) I'll just keep a low profile over Christmas and avoid the meeting we had planned for 28th and then once I'm feeling a bit stronger see how we feel about things. I think once you're a mum you can't imagine anyone not wanting to see their kids/grandkids regularly. It's so alien to me

I think you need to take a few gradual steps back, and keep going. She’s not going to change now; I wouldn’t confront her, or cut her out deliberately - just stop facilitating the hurt and disappointment.

Why would you cause a fuss nothing new has happened from what you say. The woman isn't interested your husband id trying to manage this don't rock the boat if there is no need.

Stop inflaming the situation you are likely upsetting your husband by constantly pointing out how little his mum cares about him or his son

She isn’t being openly unpleasant so why confront her. Yes disinterest can be hurtful but just let the contact you do have slide to the bare minimum. But given it’s your DH mother I wouldn’t force a NC or push it as if/when she dies he could feel very angry if their relationship was even worse at that point due to you winding it up.

Be pragmatic and open and just let it be.

Until your second post I thought you were my SIL! We deal with the situation by me using the grey wall technique whilst my DH is very low contact, this helps avoid the drama and we can keep our distance/stay out of the drama. Don't feed the drama, it's what they want.

I think you are being a little dramatic OP and probably making your DH feel like shit.
It is what it is. Your MIL doesn't seem to be nasty or unpleasant towards you so why do you feel the need to do anything? You are stoking a fire that doesn't need to be stoked.
Accept her as is, or don't. No need to make a big deal about it.