To cut contact with my own mum

[spudyoulike]

I'm 21. My mum has been remarried all my life to a man who has verbally and emotionally abused me for the last 10 years. This has left me with awful depression/anxiety and a lot of resentment towards my mum who remains with him and doesn't make any effort to see me. I live with my dad as of May this year as it wasn't healthy for me to live with my stepdad any longer. My mum doesn't leave his side which in turn means I only see her when I'm around him also. For Christmas this year she has proposed that I go to their house for two hours on Christmas Eve for "buffet and presents". I explained this was not possible for me as I don't want to be around him/my old house at a time which is supposed to be about love and family. She has given me the ultimatum that I either go over and respect the fact that she's "invited me to her house" or I don't see her. I am absolutely devastated. She doesn't understand the effect he has had on me. Why is it not possible for her to see her children (I have a sister too) without having him there? I haven't spent any time with her alone for about 6 years also. How can I cope with this? I'm at a point now where I'm debating cutting contact as it's so damaging for me to be second best to the man who has ruined my childhood. I'm sorry, I just need some advice and help :-(

It sounds like this man has your mum under control too OP. I would suggest cutting contact until you are clearer in your own mind as to which way you want to proceed.If you have exhausted all your options with regard to explaining your feelings to your mum and she is unwilling to bend then i cant see what other option you have...step back and give yourself some time to decide what is best for you would be my advice ..

Hugs OP. Your mother had betrayed you and continues to do so. You should cut her off without a second thought although I know it will be difficult as you love her. Sometimes you need to show that love to yourself and ensure that your wellbeing comes first. This is such a time. Go NC with her and try to heal. I hope you have a great Christmas

Thanks for your replies, it means a lot. I don't believe she is pressured by my stepdad as she is a very strong willed person and they are just as dominant with eachother in the relationship. I feel like I have been trying for years because she's my mum but I have nothing left to give :-( x

Do what you have to do to look after yourself & your own well being. If it's a toxic situation, steer clear.

@BlueJay1 thank you. I think a lot of people feel they NEED their parents but on reflection I can't recall much positive memories between my mum and I :-( x

I’d cut off conversation but say if she ever wants to see you alone somewhere neutral never hesitate to get in touch.