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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to keep sending my distraught two year old to nursery?

24 replies

Nofilter · 20/12/2018 15:04

Hi,

I'm so torn about this.

My daughter who is such a happy little thing, a real character, playful - shiny little girl..

We moved to our own farm in August and in September I enrolled her in the local, lovely nursery. 8 kids in the class (we live in a village) really lovely teachers.. I expected the first part to be hard - it was.

She was SO traumatised about it, really shook up. If the teachers let her keep her blanket and dummy she would just stay sat on her own clinging to them. So they've made a routine of her putting them on a shelf where she can see them and off she goes really happy playing and being involved in the day.

It got so bad that I took her out in November - she was waking up in the night saying "not going nursery" mentioning it 20 times a day.

Honestly I could really do with the break the two afternoons give me to get things done and just have a breather - so we tried again the last week in November after 4 weeks away.

She's back to the same behaviour. Terrified. Mentioning it every time we drive to past the village, hysterical crying..

She's 3 in Feb. I feel like I've mucked this right up now and maybe she thinks that by crying and repeating it she'll get her own way again.

Do I persevere? Anyone else had this experience?

TIA

OP posts:

Cherries101 · 20/12/2018 15:06

You must persevere. All kids get used to nursery eventually. However, one thing that might help, is moving to 3 consecutive days per week (rather than 2). That’s enough to build a routine.

Cherries101 · 20/12/2018 15:09

I have my dn full time and she had attachment issues because of her mum. It was heart breaking to watch her scream and say no to nursery but that only happened in the mornings — as soon as I left and she knew I’d gone, I had photographic evidence that she was having a whale of a time. I stuck to my guns, arranged play dates with nursery friends, and within about 6 weeks the tears had been replaced by excitement.

PixieCutRegret · 20/12/2018 15:15

Honestly, if it was me I wouldn't put my child through this unless I really had to. She is still very young and is obviously not ready. I am a SAHM myself so I do understand the feeling of needing a breather but your DD's reaction is very extreme.

Do you have a DH/DP who would be able to take her in the evening so you can have some time to yourself?

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2018 15:15

Please dont persevere, let alone send her for more time. She's not ready and she hates it. All you can achieve by sending her is to teach her to suffer in silence. She's not being upset to get one over on you she's telling you how she feels.

Look for other childcare if you need it, or wait til she starts school.

I persevered with ds2 - increased his hours etc as I was advised and I bitterly regret it. All I achieved was an anxious, insecure child who never did really settle. He loved school but hated preschool.

TeenTimesTwo · 20/12/2018 15:15

What is she like when she's there?

I think there is a world of difference between someone who cries at the thought / parting, and one who actually doesn't enjoy it during the session and cries on and off throughout it.

That said, she's not 3 yet. You could wait until next Sept and then send her in for 3-5 sessions per week for a year before school.

Original poster

Nofilter · 20/12/2018 15:18

Hello,

Thanks for the responses.

When she is there she loves it. I've called 4 times throughout the day - and the teachers have emailed me photos of her doing activities..

When I pick her up she's so happy. It's just this fear and repeating it and waking up 5 times in the night saying "not going nursery".

OP posts:

ItIsChristmasTime · 20/12/2018 15:19

It doesn’t sound like the right time or the right setting for her. Could you look at alternative childcare options or else work with the nursery to see if you can go in with her and be in the background to help her settle in?

Cherries101 · 20/12/2018 15:22

She sounds like my dn then. I suggest you persevere.

DocusDiplo · 20/12/2018 15:25

Sorry you're going through this, OP. Hated this when my kids were young - I am sensitive sort. Hole you find the best choice for you - whatever you decide is the right decision - whatever you feel is best - do not be.led.by whatever nursery staff or friends or relatives say - no one needs that pressure , however well intended. Happy Christmas. She won't be scarred for life by your choices and you are not a terrible mother.

Yabbers · 20/12/2018 15:29

DD cried every single day for four years going in to nursery, it was exhausting. But she loved it so much and had a wonderful time when she was there.

2 is far too young to be taking away comforters, though. I’d be having none of that. If the nursery staff were any good they’d still be able to work with her.

It does sound like she has had some kind of experience she doesn’t like. Have the staff talked at all about how she is when she is there. She obviously has made a bad association and unfortunate as it is, it may be that this setting isn’t the right one for her.

Is there a childminder you could use instead?

notsorighteousthesedays · 20/12/2018 15:29

If it's the build-up and journey there that's the problem can you change that? Are you friendly with any of the other parents - could you try asking one of them to pick up and take her, or one of your relatives, or you call and pick up one of her friends on the way there? I had similar problems with my youngest and changing the arrival routine was the most successful of all the things I tried. It seems like she had built it into such a big thing in her head that even though she knew she enjoyed being there she couldn't get past her anxiety if I took her. I felt awful - as if I was making her so upset but once she got over it - about a term and a half as I recall - she was fine, not sure about me!

ZoeZebra1 · 20/12/2018 15:32

My child was like this when he started at 2. I've pulled her out and will try again next September.

PixieCutRegret · 20/12/2018 15:35

I know you have called, but have you tried picking her up at an odd time? I did this once with my DS at the nursery he went to and ended up taking him out that day and never looked back. I saw a nursery worker roughly handle DS and there was a little girl sobbing in the corner being completely ignored.

Lovethetimeyouhave · 20/12/2018 15:36

I wouldn't perservere. I dont see how perservering is beneficial. I don't see how they need to get used to it for school. At school age they are a lot older and able to understand more. I say don't send her. She must reslly hate it. She may eventually get on with it when she's there but she doesn't want to be there.

I had all sorts of people telling me that ds was too clingy to me. He needed to go to nursery and I was messing him up. Quite the opposite happened. He is so confident now, he's 7, he goes off and plays with no problem, hes secure and just so wonderful. I'm glad i didn't listen to the people who said it was "normal" to send a snall child away.

PixieCutRegret · 20/12/2018 15:36

Should add now he is in reception he was so ready to go that for the first week he cried at home time 😂

Christmasgone2018 · 20/12/2018 15:38

I would take her out in a second. Nursery isn't essential

missperegrinespeculiar · 20/12/2018 15:52

hmm, I don't know, we persevered with my oldest, we did not need him to go, we just thought it would be good for him to socialise, he seemed ok with it, but was very quiet and not enthusiastic and would sometimes say he didn't wan to go. They assured us he was very happy there once we were gone. He was 3.

I wish we hadn't persevered. About a year later, we were picking up my DN who was going to the same nursery. My DS was in the car with me, I cheerfully said let's go in and get DN you can say hallo to your old teachers. He refused point blank to go in, he then told me how much he had hated it, that the teachers were shouty and he was scared of them and wished he had never gone. We had no idea, and clearly he was not able to explain that when younger. We feel terrible.

Pernickity1 · 20/12/2018 15:53

Waking in the night crying makes me think she’s very anxious about it. I’d take her out OP. I’m a SAHM for the most part and I know the break is invaluable (my mum takes mine a couple of days). You deserve some time to yourself but I think you should look into other options to achieve that, as I believe no good comes from forcing a child into a situation that makes them so unhappy.

People will tell you she’ll settle eventually etc. but you know your child best. My DD1 was an anxious/clingy child from day one. Family members always rolled their eyes when she’d cry in new situations or when I wouldn’t force her to partake in things she didn’t want to. I sometimes felt I was doing her a disservice but I’m so glad I went with my instincts as she’s really started to grow in confidence (2.5 now), she’s secure and she knows I have her back. I’m starting her in nursery after Xmas two days per week, I’m hopeful she’s ready but if not then I’ll be taking her straight out.

Do you have a friend/family member who she’s comfortable with who might be willing to take her for an afternoon or two to give you a break and give her a change of scene? And then maybe you could try nursery in 6 months or so when she’s that bit older and she’ll probably be very excited to make little friends etc?

FissionChips · 20/12/2018 15:56

I’d remover her.
Learning should be a positive experience.

Stupomax · 20/12/2018 15:56

My child was like this when he started at 2. I've pulled her out and will try again next September.

This is what I did with my middle child and it turned out to be the right decision.

At 3 she was so much more ready for nursery. She loved it.

I didn't send my youngest to nursery till he was 3 as we were by then living outside the UK and there wasn't any expectation that they'd go any earlier. That also worked out really well.

Gina2012 · 20/12/2018 16:22

Please dont persevere, let alone send her for more time. She's not ready and she hates it. All you can achieve by sending her is to teach her to suffer in silence. She's not being upset to get one over on you she's telling you how she feels.

This

orangina01 · 20/12/2018 16:30

She sounds very distressed. I would take her out. I didn't send my DC until the free 15 hours kicked in at age 3. They then went in just for the mornings, no tears at all. Now they are thriving in school. So many friends and family pressured me to send them earlier and I just ignored them. This notion that you have to put a child in childcare to prepare them for school is ridiculous, please trust your instincts. A 2 yr old may not be articulate but they can show you how they feel - which she is doing! Good luck, parenting is full of doubt but it sounds like you already know this isn't doing her any good emotionally.

orangina01 · 20/12/2018 16:35

Sorry I also meant to say, I know how it is to want a breather. All our family live abroad so I have zero help, my husband works long hours not home for bedtime and is gone in the morning... but this time until school starts will go so quick. Are two afternoons a week worth the upset for your child?

Augusta2012 · 20/12/2018 17:21

It does sound like she has had some kind of experience she doesn’t like.

This is the first thing I thought. It sounds like really extreme distress, hysterical screaming and crying when you go near nursery? I’d be worried something had scared her or something untoward had happened.

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