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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I need to take a step back

24 replies

Meyouandbabytoo · 20/12/2018 14:59

My mil is driving me mental. I really like her, and we get on well usually, but recently she's really been rubbing me the wrong way. It isn't anything big, just lots of little things are really grating on me, and they are pretty stupid things, it's just starting to bug me. More noticeable since dc was born, and it's mainly things about dc/ when I was pregnant.

When I was pregnant she consistently talked about my weight gain and about getting fat (despite the fact I gained nowhere other than a relatively small bump, you couldn't tell I was pregnant unless I was side on, I was still wearing a size 10/12 the day I gave birth and was slimmer than she is).
When dc was born she rolled her eyes at me wanting to breastfeed and seemed pretty happy when I couldn't do it so she could feed him.
She took him out of my arms as a newborn when I was settling him causing him to cry.
Says I change nappies wrong because I do it differently to her, and says I'm being ridiculous when I say I don't want to use just wipes on him because it makes him sore (I wash the wipe residue off with cotton wool and warm water and make sure he's dry because otherwise his bum ends up red and chapped looking).
Complains that I don't like him having chocolate and junk. I asked her not to give him a chocolate when he was 10 weeks old and she rolled her eyes, and now he's weaning is constantly trying to give him crap. Jaffa cakes, chocolates, crisps, all sorts. At home we feed him whatever we eat, and we take snacks like rice cakes out with us.
When we ask her not to do something she rolls her eyes and says to dc oh I can't do this because nasty mummy and daddy say no, then half whispers "but it's ok this is nannas house".
She constantly references my weight, despite the fact I'm slimmer than her.
She's very competitive, things like "Oh I've only burnt 3000 calories today according to my fitbit, I wonder why. How many have you burnt today dil?" Same with the step counter on it.

It's all really small things, but they're adding up and it's really grating on me now.
We usually see her relatively often, but I'm wondering if I need to step away for a bit before we end up having an argument. Wibu to stop seeing her for a bit?

OP posts:

SilverLining10 · 20/12/2018 15:08

She doesnt sound like a nice person at all. Shes clearly trying to muscle in and put you down. I think you should keep some distance because it doesnt sound very healthy for you.

puzzledlady · 20/12/2018 15:11

I would but back on seeing her.does your husband know how bloody awful she is towards you?

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 20/12/2018 15:14

I'd step back too, her nasty and hypocritical comments on weight alone are enough of a reason but what kind of idiot tries to give chocolate to a 10 week old baby?

Original poster

Meyouandbabytoo · 20/12/2018 15:16

Yeah he's usually there.
He's the one always pulling her up on saying "mummy and daddy won't let you do this but nanna will" stuff.
The food he says it's what she fed him as a child so won't see an issue with it, which would be fair enough except for the fact we've mentioned to her multiple times that we don't want him eating junk food, especially at not quite 7 months old. I could understand her just not thinking, but she's specifically ignoring what we've asked that bugs me.
The competitive weight/ exercise thing he just rolls his eyes at her.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2018 15:17

They are not small things!!!
I'd back away and start pulling her up on her awful comments.
If you let her get away with it then you are enabling her and things will never improve.

Original poster

Meyouandbabytoo · 20/12/2018 15:17

ihope it was only a chocolate button . The look she gave when when I said no can you please not give him that was like a why not, what's wrong with it look

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2018 15:19

They aren't small, they're spiteful. And j7st because you ff it doesn't mean all and sundry have to feed your baby.

Pull her up Every. Single. Time.

Original poster

Meyouandbabytoo · 20/12/2018 15:25

How can I basically say shut up without sounding like a cow?
I say no regarding dc every time but I never really know how to respond to the snarky comments about me without seeming like a bitch

OP posts:

Lettermethis · 20/12/2018 15:31

She sounds bloody awful.

You need to put your foot down on certain things and make sure DH backs YOU 100%.

She sounds very toxic. How close is she & DH?

kitkatsky · 20/12/2018 15:32

She's undermining you and that's not okay, but DH needs to step up and help here

CashewNutsAndWine · 20/12/2018 15:36

She sounds horrible. I have 2 dil's and wouldn't dream of speaking to them like this, or even thinking like it! When dgs is here I would never feed him anything that his parents don't want him to eat. When dil returned and I looked after dgs I followed their feeding/sleeping routine to the letter, their baby their rules. The digs about weight are beyond mean, nasty woman

LordPickle · 20/12/2018 15:36

I don't understand why you are worried about sounding like a cow in response to unkind, snarky comments. Fuck her. Next time she mentions your weight, point out that you are slimmer than she is and stare her down like this 😐

Original poster

Meyouandbabytoo · 20/12/2018 15:42

lordpickle I've done that before. She was making comments when i was pregnant and i looked at her and said well I'm currently 8m pregnant and I'm wearing size 10 jeans, I don't think it's me who needs to worry is it. She stopped for a few weeks.

After dc was born she said something in front of dh about me losing the baby weight and how she'd only gained 2lb when pregnant with dh so was thin after she had him. Dh replied with "shame you've made up with the weight gain since then isn't it"

She just won't stop, and I don't know how rude I have to be to get her to. It really isn't in my nature at all to be confrontational or rude so I only say things back to her when I'm at the end of my rope then I worry I sound like a huge bitch because I'm mentally responding to multiple comments not the single current one

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2018 15:43

You can do the PA stuff or you can be totally direct.

Her - Your weight has gone up
You - Stop being so rude MIL. I'm clearly slimmer than you are and I'm very happy where I am so stop trying to make me feel bad. DH loves me like this as well so you can now keep your opinion on this subject to yourself.

Her - eye rolls at your rules for YOUR child
You - Stop being so rude and undermining us. You had your children. These are our children - it's done our way. If you don't like it then you know where the door is. But your rude responses will not be tolerated any more.

Stand up to her properly.
You can do this!
Who gives a shit about offending her?
She doesn't give a shit about offending you!

RandomObject · 20/12/2018 15:45

Yes I completely agree

'My weight is fine and none of your business'

'Stop interfering in how I raise my child or it will be a long time before you see them again'

Lettermethis · 20/12/2018 15:45

I like hellsbells replies, they're assertive without being rude. Ideal!

IHeartMarmiteToast · 20/12/2018 15:48

Could you just say something like "Ouch MIL that wasn't very nice!" I'd definitely be seeing less of her though!

jessstan2 · 20/12/2018 15:48

Do you know, so many mums are like that. They always seem to know best even when they don't. I had to speak firmly to my mother on more than one occasion but it is so difficult because they put on their grandmother hat and are intimidating.

You can't undo what your MIL has done or said but you and your husband can be firm from now on. Good luck! Oh and congratulations.

Birdsgottafly · 20/12/2018 15:51

She sounds like my Mother was.

I had to challenge every comment and talk her through her thought process, which led her to make her comment.

That way she ends up looking stupid or vicious.

My Mum would pull the "well I won't say anything", stunt. To which the reply is, "if it is an insult or negative, then best not".

I think your DH needs to go on his own and ask her, in a really concerned way, if anything is wrong. Because she's coming across as though she is really struggling with something, else why would she want to put her closest family down?

Posthistoricmonsters · 20/12/2018 15:52

"Although as it happens, my weight and size is nice and low, it is also absolutely none of anyone else's business and any further attempt to discuss MY body will result in the offender being ejected from our property/ us returning home"

Or any of the cool things which have already been said.

BonBonVoyage · 20/12/2018 15:53

Can you stop visiting her house?

MrsStrowman · 20/12/2018 15:53

Her snarky comments call for a classic MN 'did you mean to be so rude?' response. It's good your DH also pulls her up, I think she's probably a bit jealous of you tbh

Waddsup12 · 20/12/2018 15:55

Some eating issues surfacing? Definitely control...

DefinitelyOdd · 20/12/2018 16:32

Sounds very similar to my mil. Every time she sees me she talks about how fat I am despite everyone else in my life saying that it is only bump and boobs that have grown. I haven't even had the baby yet and she is challenging every single decision we have made.

Currently I am nicknamed 'dippy hippy' because I have bought a wrap sling, reusable breast pads and have been lucky enough to be given reusable nappies to try at a reasonable price.

Even really direct responses from me and DH are ignored. I guess there is always the option of burying her under the patio....

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