To have another baby with DH when the relationship is like this?

[thundercats192]

Regular user but NC for this.

Backstory - DH and I have been together for 12 years. Fell in love very quickly, very passionate relationship to begin with. A year or so in the sex started to dwindle; he was always tired or stressed etc. I have a high drive and found this frustrating and worried he didn't fancy me etc, although he's always claimed it's not that. I used to try to initiate but got so tired of being rejected. Over the years it's got even worse to the point where since having DD 2 years ago we have had sex the grand total of twice.

We used to still be very affectionate, have a lot of fun together, I knew he would be a great father someday, and I really loved him- and these things meant that despite my frustration/resentment about the lack of sex, I was never going to leave him.

But since DD our relationship has suffered. I don't love him like I did anymore. We have hardly any time together but in the time that we do, I feel he makes so little effort and it really gets me down. It was our wedding anniversary 2 weeks ago and he didn't even bother to give me a card. He is generally very kind and a wonderful father to DD. He is not abusive or difficult, but he is so passive in our lives and just seems to feel no desire to make any effort in our relationship or to make me happy. I feel that we are just house mates or co-parents. It feels like a half life. I long to be properly loved and wanted by a partner. I feel like life is passing me by.

But I am loathe to break up my family, so leaving him just doesn't feel like an option. In fact I really want another baby. He wants another as well - we both adore our DD and being parents. But I imagine it will take even more of a toll on our relationship. I've tried talking to him about things and he just says very little. I get the impression he will just go along with whatever I want. AIBU to even consider it in these circumstances?

YABU
Lots of us have been the children in that situation
It's horrible

Unless your name is Mary you may struggle to conceive.
I had more dc in a crap marriage.
Became a lp with 4 dc.
Not a good plan ime.

I don’t see the point of staying in this relationship

Completely selfish to dump another child into that mess.

It would be a very selfish thing to do, your DD will also start picking up on these things and it's not fair.

Nothing shows up the cracks in a relationship quite like the arrival of a baby, if you and DH are already struggling then adding another DC into the mix along with the various pressures it would bring is going to make it infinitely worse. And to be very blunt, if you did decide to leave it's easier to leave with one child than two.

Will he consider going to marriage counseling with you? His answer will tell you whether he considers the relationship worth improving upon or not.

Different perspective here. I had dc2 in a rocky marriage. I am an only child and hated it. I wanted dc1 to have a sibling and felt it they would be there for each other through any future divorce. I also really wanted another child. I don't regret that decision at all as my two have a beautiful relationship and have been an immense support for each other through various things, not just separation. They are happy, healthy children. Having any children at all is selfish given that the planet is overpopulated and most of us have children to meet our own wants and needs. Just be sure you feel able to go it alone.

@Lalotai47 It's great to hear that, just being nosey but did your marriage survive?

My thinking was the same as Lalotai47. I didn’t want my DD to be an only child, I wanted more than one child and even though I may have met another man in the future I didn’t want my children to have different fathers. So I went ahead and had another baby in a not so great relationship - the way I figured it, it wouldn’t really make much of a difference to the situation and it didn’t.

I’m still with DH and things have slightly improved if anything - I’m giving it my all until my DC reach school age and then i’ll decide if the relationship is worth staying in.

You should definitely suggest marriage counseling. If you had passion in your relationship initially then there’s no reason why you can’t get that back. I think if your DH is a good dad and there’s no abuse or disrespect in the relationship then I’d probably go ahead and have a baby if I were in your shoes. The only caveat to that would be i’d have to be sure i’d be able to financially support two DC in the event of a divorce and would your DH be able to provide maintenance etc? If you’d really struggle financially then it’s not fair to your existing DD to bring another child into the mix.

I had another in similar circumstances. We split a few years later. Never regretted it for a moment, the child was truly loved by both parents and brought so much pleasure

He could be battling being on the asexual spectrum.

My first DH, father of my first DC, is asexual. I mistook it for him not loving me, not wanting me etc. He genuinely cared for me, but unless he had been drinking he would make no advances, and if I initiated sex it was generally awkward and like he was a plank. It's easier for me to understand now.

Not trying to excuse him, just wondering if there's an underlying reason.

I'd have the second child. You want another one, he's a good father. Your children would be full siblings and if you do separate then it's just shared custody of two rather than one. The thought of having to part with my kids for any % of time makes me feel sick though so I ignore things in my relationship that probably need examining.