To not learn French?

[Soph372892]

I've recently found out I'm expecting with my ex partner, it was completely unexpected and although he's not estatic by the news, he's vowed to play an active role on the child's life.

He is French so are his parents. His mum was born in France and his dad in Martinique (the French island) but they both now live in France. My ex speaks fluent French but is also fluent in English (although some times has trouble with complex words) he's been living and working in the UK for 3 years.

His family can only speak conversational English, his younger sisters can't speak any English. I can also only speak conversational french.

He wants me to put effort in to learning French through the pregnancy. He says he wants the child to be able to communicate with his family and know English as well as French and be fluent in both.

I have no experience of this but I'm assuming that could be quite confusing to a toddler to be speaking two different languages, wouldnt they get words mixed up etc?

AIBU to tell him if he wants to teach the baby french then that's his job. I don't see why I need to learn French when he's already fluent.

Tons of toddlers grow speaking multiple languages . I would say it's a very good thing for them. They arent confused.

I would want my child to have a good relationship with their fathers family so, honestly I would at least try and learn some

After all if your child ends up being able to speak French you may end up feeling left out if father and child are conversing in French around you.

But that's up to you. You don't have to help. But don't complain if they are speaking in French around you when the child is older.

Do some research on bilingualism. It’s reakky positive for children!
A common approach though is to for each parent to speak only one language.

Even if you were willing, as a non French speaker, you are not the best person for your son to learn French from.

Why don’t you both explore more opportunities - but show you’re open to the principle.

For example, you could say that you can’t support French learning directly from you, but propose that when your son is old enough, he goes on intensive / immersive French language holidays.

Perhaps you can both look for a French speaking babysitter.

Be supportive, but I think the best way is for his dad to speak French when he has him, you do English.

On the whole, children gain vastly from learning two languages from their parents. Occasionally they are slightly slower in early speech but within no time have huge advantages over single language children. They can switch from one to the other, mix and know the difference. and speak more of one language to the same language parent. It really would be in your child's interest to grow up with both of you able to speak French, and of course a better relationship with the French relatives. I see no downside. It will also give better depth to your relationship. If you child only speaks French with Dad that excludes you

You don’t need to learn French unless you live in a French speaking country.

Unless your ex lives with you and can speak to your baby every day, your baby won’t learn French either.

I get where he’s coming from, but honestly with your set up, you can’t make this happen.

Presumably your DC will learn French in school at some point and then be able to practise/ improve during holidays with French relatives.

I say this as someone who speaks 4 languages and has DC born abroad.

You would be giving your child a great gift by encouraging and supporting them learning a second language at an early age.

Thanks for your replies. I have two children by an ex husband already and it would mean teaching them french too (they're 3 and 4) obviously I would teach the baby conversational french that I already know (hello, how are you, colours, days of the week etc) but I don't think I can be expected to spend the next 8 months becoming fluent in french

Your dc need 25 hours a week of French minimum to be fluent. Your ex needs to help with this, or you could get a French au pair to live with you and help :)

Language is such a gift to give children if you can. I would do it. But your ex needs to also put the effort.

My child speaks two languages. Millions of kids do. It is really good for them. It can delay speech very slightly because they have two languages to learn but overall it develops their brain in a more complex way that stays with them for life. No one ever regretted learning another language!

The 'rule' is to be consistent. So speak French inside the home and English outside it. Or one parent speaks English and the other French etc. It only confuses them if these 'rules' change. So it won't benefit your child for you to learn French unless you're actually going to speak to them in French all the time at home which depending on your current level, may be unlikely

It will be good if you can speak French at some point if the baby does, so you can help if she gets stuck (for example has learned a word in French but not learnt the English word yet so uses the French version) and when she is older to understand wtf she is laughing about with her dad! But it's not essential and you probably have more things to worry about when you're pregnant. You will probably pick some more up if you all spend time together

If you are going to be the primary caregiver though your husband will have to spend a LOT of time with her for her to pick up French. My husband speaks only to my daughters in their own language, they go to a weekly language school, she watches TV in that language, he reads her books, Skypes relatives, and she is still way behind compared to her English as she is just exposed to more English at nursery, friends etc. It will be a lot of work for him but will be worth it

Sorry I know a lot of this isn't what you asked but thought would share my experiences

OP you’ve got enough on your plate without trying to learn bloody French.

Yes, bilingualism is great but your ex doesn’t live with you and that makes this plan unworkable.

I don't think you need to learn, be good for baby to learn though, my 2 year old does French once a week at nursery and loves it, the earlier they start the better

But won’t you want to be able to join in conversations your child has with his French speaking Grandparents? Or speak to them when they visit?

I’d learn and teach the other kids too. Being fluent in another language is a great advantage.

Not sure if this is workable. In theory it’s a nice idea, and being bilingual would be beneficial, but with the native french speaker not living with the child I don’t see how it’s going to happen.