Clashing visiting dates. Wwyd

[Jamiefraserskilt]

Relative 1, side 1. The ultimate narcissist. Mentally abusive towards just about everyone. Had three children. Child a, no contact. Child b, phones and visits a couple of times a year. Child c, low contact, phones and visits once a year along with child b. 80s, lives alone.
Relative 2. Side 2. Sees family regularly, all children, spouses, grandchildren and significant others traditionally visit birthdays and anniversary. 80s, lives With wife, close to family and friends.
Annual visit for relative 1 organised. One date available because of shifts and youngsters availability. Is on the same day as relative 2 birthday, 150 miles apart. Child 3 will not attend without child 2. Child 2 will go to annual meal as not close to relative 2, (related by marriage and met once).
Should child 3 attend the birthday or the annual meal? Risk of offence to both relatives. Child 2 finds annual meal challenging but attends so that children can see relative 1, once a year. Both relatives in poor health and expect to see youngsters.
Wwyd?

Has either invitation already been accepted? We always stick to the first invite we accepted. The personality of the persons involved isn’t really a factor.

Life really is too short for that level of angst.

Do whichever you actually want to do and apologise to the other person, explain the clash and rearrange, or not. Then move on!

Make yourself a NY resolution: Stop overthinking uncomfortable situations.

Why was R1's annual visit booked for the same day as R2's birthday? Surely that should have been an unavailable date?

C2 should do whatever they booked first.
C3 should go to whatever they are most comfortable going to.

See I'm reading it that child 3 has been involved in organising some of this, not invited as such. And the clash has been noticed some way into the organisation.
In which case, if I were child 3 and neither event could be reorganised, I'd go to the one I wanted to go to.

Whatever the fallout.

Are the children adults? They should go to whichever they want to.

No way i'd be visiting a mentally abusive narcissist over the birthday of a lovely family member.

Child 2 organised it.
Birthday is expectation. Tradition.
No invitations as such, just this date for this will you be there?
Child 2 forgot about relative 2s birthday as not in radar.
Nothing has been accepted.

C3 goes to whichever one they would prefer to, although it sounds like offending R1 (and potentially C2) is the lesser of two evils.

Is there really no possibility that the annual visit could be reorganised??? Maybe in Jan?

If not:
Child 2 should go to relative 1 as planned.
Child 3 should probably go to relative 1. If they only see relative 1 once a year and relative 2 lots of times, then to miss that is a bigger offence than missing relative 2's birthday.

And there in lies the problem @escolar.
Relative two is the nicer one, is local and gets visited regularly.
Relative one is visited annually for the sake of the children.
If anything were to happen to relative 1, there would be regrets. However, the relationship at adult level is tricky at best.
Child 2 feels child 3 should go for the reason you mention. Relative two gets seen whereas relative one is alone and is only visited once a year. However, child 3 will not attend without the children which means relative 2 doesn't see them or child 3 on the birthday day.
Child 3 will visit relative one out of duty and for the sake of the children. Because it frequently ends in child 3 fuming and hurt, visits are now annually.
As an aside, child 3 and children will visit relative two after this day but to relative two, "it is not the same".

You must be child 3, right?
I stand by what I said. And you look like you want go to relative two. But the knock-on is that you upset child 2, your sibling, am I right so far?

Life is too short to be left fuming and hurt.

Go to R2’s birthday and forget about R1. If R1 is as bad as you say then the last thing kids need is to be exposed to such toxicity

@onalong. Yes.

Consulted with youngsters. They are split. One has not seen R1 for two years as shift worker but has seen R2 this month. The other wants to see R2.

The thing is @ohfor, Both knocking on, both in bad health. Duty says R1. Heart says R2. I will not see R1 without sibling and children present as is slightly less likely to be an arse. Should I stop my children seeing R1 just because we cannot get along? I go, R1 ignores me, speaks to children, I drive back. Kids happy. Duty done. I do not want the kids to blame our poor relationship for them not seeing R1.
If it were just me, I would have an easy decision but when kids are involved it is different.
One solution would be to split us up. Two to R2 and two to R1. DH won't go to R1 out of principle. I may just have to suck it up and take anti venom.

Can you take nice relative out for dinner/lunch and do it near to where nasty relative lives and invite them? You transport the one local to you?

Go to R2s birthday. Schedule a visit soon to R1 that's not the yearly date. Let sibling get upset.
You cannot keep everyone happy.
You get to take children to both and R1 gets an extra visit.
Lots of winning and a little bit of losing, surely?

@mrsstrowman, sadly R2 is very disabled and unable to travel the 150 miles. Shame as they get on ok. Probably the only person that R1 actually behaves around!
Consulted with DH and have agreed to split up to cover both.
Thanks for everyone's input. I guess you are right, can't please all the people all the time.

God id go to the birthday. Not to someone you can't stand.