Nightmare MIL -AIBU?

[Muffmonday]

AIBU to step in and tell my MIL how she makes OH feel?

I've been a long time lurker in the stately homes thread and I believe that my OH has a toxic mother. We've been together 10 years and in that time she's manipulated my OH into trying to keep things from me, borrowed OH money and then told me, believing it would cause arguments (it didn't) and when I paid the money back (I don't know why OH didn't just ask me), was a called from pillar to post for being ungrateful. She has used divide and conquer between us as a couple and OHs Dsis and BIL, told family that she paid for all of our wedding (she didn't) and has told others about (non existent) problems within our marriage, for example, that I'm a heavy drinker and it depresses OH to a point of suicide - none of it remotely true.
OH has tried to speak to her about this before, but is hugely gaslighted. FIL often doesn't get involved, but has recently started to find his voice and sticks up for MIL even when the truth is staring him in the face.
The rest of the family are aware of what she is doing and have agreed when I have spoken to them about it that my OH is often the bad guy in situations, but is told 'oh, just ignore etc'.

The thing is, I am at my wit's end. Nothing we/OH does is good enough, OH has recently been validated with feelings by other family members, but it seems that something has changed recently where they are suggesting OH puts thoughts and feelings to one side so as not to rock the boat (I think Xmas has something to do with this), but I'm worried that this will have an adverse effect on OH mental health.

I would really like to have the conversation with MIL as to what her actions/comments cause, but I think that may cause OH to be cut out and I'm not sure if that will help or hinder.

Sorry about the long post. I have tried to be brief with as much detail as I can so that I can get as many thoughts and opinions as possible.

Thanks

My MIL says the most vile things about me to my DH/other people who I am close with. She has accused me of things like child abuse and having an affair. The truth is that she’s not stupid. If she cared to think about it for a minute she’d be able to figure out that this is distressing. But she doesn’t care. She thinks that because she is his mother she can say whatever she wants and he has to put up with it because he owes it to her (to be fair she has in other ways been a great mother and my DH is suitably grateful). My advice is not to get involved. It’s stressful enough for him. Don’t give him more to get stressed about by confronting her and unleashing god knows what.

I would advise to let him handle it. When I spoke to MIL alone she lied about the conversation as though I pushed her physically out our house screaming at her... I was heavily pregnant with HG so could barely move let alone energy to scream! People like this will lie at any chance and to put yourself in a situation where you are alone with her and giving her opinions she doesn't like will not end well. Know it's not great advice to give but it's an unfortunate truth. Maybe get OH to talk to FIL. My OH asked FIL if MIL was trying to make us divorce and that that's the way we were heading becuase of her behaviour, a bit of an exaggeration but meant FIL stepped up and stopped MIL behaviour on the most part.

Honestly? I would never speak to her again had she done that to me. Would DH go NC too?

Sometimes in life there's no understanding certain people, how they work and what they think. We can spend our whole lives trying to reason with them and because they are toxic and never think they are wrong, you just end up going round and round in circles, making yourself feel utterly shit.

Thanks for your comments.
I have pulled her up on lies she has told about us on loudspeaker before in front of OH, as I always said I would not get involved unless is directly affected me. That didn't go down well at all with MIL, but I think thats due to being caught out in a lie more than anything.
Thing is, now I feel that although it's not necessarily directed at me, I am trying my hardest to not to keep putting my suggestion of NC to to OH, but i see everyday how her comments and actions affect them and my heart breaks that they "have to put up with it".

She is not a rational person so your words will have no affect, she will not apologise ir change and will only give her more ammunition againsf you. I would stop contact with her to protect your own mental health and if your OH wants to see her let him go alone. Don't ask what she has said just pretend she does not exist.

I know why you think having a conversation with her may help or changes things, but it won't. Her behavior is irrational and abusive. She has an agenda and it is to damage and weaken your relationship and your family. You would be asking someone whose intentions are malicious to see reason.

The only thing you can do in this situation is withdraw, state your boundaries and not feed the beast with time and energy. Do not visit. Do not engage. Do not facilitate your husband's relationship with her - leave it to him. Don't rely on her, ask for favors or overshare. Don't gossip with family members or listen to their gossip. Do not invite her to your home unless your DH is there to host and manage it.

By doing all this you will have control of your home, your life and your mental health. This is how to treat anyone who treats you badly and causes unhappiness in your marriage. It makes no difference she is a family member. Make today the day she isn't your problem.

Agree with others- there will be no positive benefits from telling her how she makes him feel. You will be just helping her to hone her techniques.

Just be open and honest about the abuse going on with family and friends. Public awareness might help her rein it in a bit.

You won't get anywhere with her by pulling her up OP. She doesn't think she's wrong, toxic people never do. All that will happen is that you will feel even worse. I get that you want to get this off your chest though but in the long term it won't change her.

Id never thought of it like that (that she'd hone technique if she knew how it effected him), so glad I haven't done that now.

I am already v v low contact, hadn't seen not heard from her in 10 months after she sent the family a group message saying that she was disappointed in us all. I told her what I thought and came out of the group.
They might all put up with it, but it doesn't mean I have to, although I am polite if a do see her and courteous when it's birthdays etc

OH does his best to try not to engage, doesn't feed information on how we are, what's been happening and so forth and if she comments about me and my lack of contact, he usually just tells her to ask me about it.
Honestly, deep down, I think he's worried about how other family members might react. Although I have said that they are aware of what she is like and if they choose to continue with that behaviour then thats upto them, but we don't have to do it.

What do other family member think of her? Can they see her for what she is? At the end of the day it's yours and DHs well being that matters and that's what you have to keep in the forefront of your mind.

@greatduckcookery
They can see it. She's told same kind of lies to us about them and vice versa, when it was clear the games she'd been playing we did get closer. MIL hated this. But i think they may (having spoken to them about Xmas plans) have reverted back to doing things to keep the peace and have made OH feel bad for not doing so or questioning why he can't just get on with it.
OH now feels like he's back at square one and has no one, other than me, who sees it and should he decide to cut contact, i think he thinks he'll lose everything (Dsis, BIL, nieces, nephews, GPs, you name it)

As an outsider (to a point) I think there is lots of recognition in her behaviour from all those I've mentioned, but same thing again, anything to keep peace, but then get upset when it's them on the receiving end

If they all know what she's like then hopefully ( surely ) they will understand if you both take a step back and not cut you out. Maybe DH needs to have a chat with his sister about the way he's feeling regarding his mum, she's probably in the same boat too.

Thanks Greatduckcookery. I'll speak to him over the weekend.
I think your suggestion of speaking to sis first might help, especially if then she ends up getting the brunt of it.

This woman is abusive and sounds mentally ill. I don't see any way you can deal with this other than going NC. My sympathies, it sounds like she's made your lives hell.

She absolutely has @bringincrazyback
10 years worth. I am also of the opinion that from stories/comments has told me about his upbringing that this also happened to him as a child. He's constantly made to feel like the odd one out.
I'll be damned if it continues for the next 10 years.
Thankfully there's no DCs to consider (for the time being) but I am fearful that if children happen for us then her behaviour will affect them as well.