To think that since I haven’t achieved anything yet my life is basically a write off?

[TimeWoundsAllHeals]

I’m going to be 33 in May and I have never achieved anything. I’ve learned things don’t get me wrong but I’ve done f all with it. When I was a kid I thought I was so smart and everyone showered me with praise for it and said I was full of potential. Now I’m 32 and I feel like I’m no better off than I was when I was a kid except now I’m old and even if I did achieve something now I’d be playing catch up against all the normal people and I’d still come out the loser in the end as a result.

I mean don’t get me wrong. I’m not giving up on life. I don’t want to die so all I can do is live. But I feel sad I’ll never amount to anything.

You are being ridiculous. You haven’t even got to the halfway point in your life. For instance the women who wrote Picnic at Hanging Rock was much older than you when she wrote her the book. It was her first book and it’s one of the most iconic Australian texts ever written. In contrast there are people who start writing books at the age of twelve and continue writing their entire lives but never get anything published. You don’t achieve things by just putting in the time. It’s more about what you do with the time you’ve dedicated to whatever it is you want to achieve.

So- do you want to get better at this game? Or get better at hacking and turn it into (legally) a job?

It really is all about persistence. If you read more of Malcom Gladwell's books you will also see that people who are top of things have both talent BUT also invest huge amounts of time and energy in practice. Like 10,000 hours.

Do you want to spend 10,000 hours on this life goal?

Or are you just feeling a bit depressed about life in general?

People are good at things becasue they have the passion to put the hours in. There’s no secret. No one is born awesome at something. Even those with some natural talent or aptitude still need to practise relentlessly. So if you have never applied yourself in this way how can you expect to achieve stuff and become successful in whatever you want? If you don’t work for it, you don’t get it.

So can you just clarify, you’re panicking that you haven’t achieved anything in your life because you lost a computer game?

You lovely lot are giving all this fabulous advice to someone who is upset about a bit of software.

If you want to get into something tech then take a step back. Yes, there are people all over the country who have amazing skills sitting in their bedrooms playing capture the flag. But working in the real world needs more than amazing tech skills. And your age would be an advantage in getting a real job.

Why not start building your own stuff (apps, for instance) so you have something to put on a cv?

So can you just clarify, you’re panicking that you haven’t achieved anything in your life because you lost a computer game?

I guess so. Pretty pathetic huh.

Guess I know how to use Radare2 and understand assembly language a lot better than I used to (and even took a detour into the Turing completeness of mov inatructions!) now but ...is that even worth anything? Does it matter. Its just more learning without applying it successfully.

I only did the ctf in the first place to pick up my crushed self esteem after I fed up a job interview. And while I was succeeding I felt good. It’s very intellectually stimulating and I enjoy winning. But once I failed (only got 12/16 on the test!) I felt like a total faliure. Can’t even do simple games like this.

It sounds like you have suffered from the thing many bright children do, the expectation they'll be the one to be changing the world, when most bright people just bob along, having a job and family and friends.

It also sounds like you are craving a mental challenge.

Start again, if you have one dc under w, that's going to limit your time, but it's not impossible. What's your education level, do you have a degree? If not, is a return to education when your youngest dc starts preschool an option?

Start learning and studying towards a career, not to be better at a game.

Ok. Go and take your kids for a walk, then read a book. My husband works for a tech security company thing and they like hackers to test their software I think. It’s something you could probably train for if you do enjoy it (but it doesn’t sound like you do??)

Why not start building your own stuff (apps, for instance) so you have something to put on a cv?

Well if we go down that route I can talk about all my other inadequacies.

I’ve built lots of hobby apps over the years (I have a degree in computer science) but most of them I’ve deleted in shame long ago lol.

I don’t have any inspiration for anything except this computer model I’m in the middle of building. But the more in-depth I get in that the more I realise I need more knowledge to do a good job of it and it’s a much bigger project than I envisioned at first (less on the tech side and more on the side of mathematics).

What is the sort of thing you wish you had achieved?

I think it’s easy to have a monkey on your back and feel like you’ve not gone on to great success if you felt sure as a young adult that you would. I think it’s also hard not to panic when your children are very young because you have no spare bandwidth for yourself and you feel this is what motherhood is and your achieving days are behind you. Ease up on yourself.

If you have Aspergers (sorry, I know that’s a leap, but the combination of your example and the fact you didn’t preface it with a massive explanation did make me wonder) remember it is often linked with anxiety and be kind to yourself.

It sounds like you have suffered from the thing many bright children do, the expectation they'll be the one to be changing the world, when most bright people just bob along, having a job and family and friends.

Interesting. Everyone of my generation in my family, except me and DH, went to Oxbridge, and I’d say me and DH (ie the dumbasses) are the happiest 😄

I think you are reading to much into a game, you need to take a break from it. Take your kids or for a walk, volunteer at a homeless shelter over christmas, go out for a meal with friends. Do something to get your head back in the real world.

Or if you enjoy learning go and learn something which would be useful in your field of work, or would help you get into a different field.

Fuck me love you need to re-look at your priorities.

You have two kids but consider your life a write off cos you can't hack a bit of code.

Jesus.

It's an attitude thing; and you sound like you know that really.

If you keep giving up and believing that you'll never be as good as everyone else and you might as well give up; you won't achieve anything.

If you keep going; you'll start achieving things. You'll be better than some people; and then quite a few people; and then most people; and then you'll be in the top 20% and maybe the top 10%.

Think of all the people in the world who do the same job. They can't all be the best at it. They're just the best they can be and they believe in themselves and stop quitting.

If you keep quitting; you are guaranteeing that you won't achieve anything.

And if you got 12/16 on a test that you wouldn't have been able to get 1/16 on last year, that's pretty strong progress.

When I was a kid I thought I was so smart and everyone showered me with praise for it and said I was full of potential.

This is a part of the problem. Children who are relentlessly told they are smart learn that (a) they don't have to try, (b) people are proud of them for achieving without trying hard, therefore trying is for losers, and (c) their value lies in 'being smart', which is disastrous when life evens out and someone who was smart at 7 yrs old turns into an average adult who has never learned to make an effort.

(To be fair, I got my psychology degree off the back of a cereal packet so I don't really know what I'm talking about, but this always made sense to me.)

Hahaha my friend asked me when I was 45 'Ariela, what do you want to do when you grow up?' She had a point! Still not decided.

What is the sort of thing you wish you had achieved?

I guess I just wish I felt like I was the kind of person people said “oh you should get TimeWoundsAllHeals to look at that, she’s really good at that, really sharp” when they had interesting problems that they needed solving.

And no I don’t have aspergers as far as I know. My brother is autistic though so it runs in the family.

It seems you are seeking validation for your intelligence.
Have you ever worked?

Having young Dc and being a sahm can impact self esteem as it's a role which society doesn't tend to acknowledge and it's relentless.
I relate to the comments about ASD as you sound like a female relative who has ASD.

The posts here, and your own responses, make me think of the growth mindset concept (you can google Carol Dweck if you’re interested). It’s a theory of learning and development that many schools have picked up on. I find it really interesting.

To try to sum it up; the way we talk to bright children throughout their learning can make them very risk averse and result in poor achievement. When we praise an outcome, like getting 10/10 on a maths test, and tell the child how clever they are, they can come to only value the ‘perfect’ score and really fear what they consider ‘failure’ (like getting 8/10. When we describe a child as clever, like some god given gift, they can learn to go to extreme lengths to hide what they consider failing at that. So they misbehave when they are faced with a real maths problem, avoid doing the task altogether instead of applying themselves. They are miserable when they have to struggle for something as they see it as a failure rather than as an opportunity to develop problem solving skills. They basically can avoid any situation which would develop their problem solving skills as they only find satisfaction and reward in ‘winning’ and being told how clever they are for their perfect result.

But life isn’t about getting 10 questions right. It’s about perseverance, weighing up options, seeing those options in the first place, overcoming struggles, solving problems. That’s what helps us to ‘achieve’. So the brightest kids in school can end up being or feeling like they didn’t achieve, where some of the kids who we’re praised for their INPUT (rather than output), “well done for trying”, “100% for effort”, can go on to better and rewarding things because they get satisfaction from the process of trying.

I don’t think I’ve explained it that well, but in my role (teacher and now childcare) I make an effort to praise process specifically. “I love that you wouldn’t give up on that puzzle, even though it was really tricky. It was brilliant how you asked bert to help you with that last bit because you know he’s good at such and such”.

You sound intelligent, bright and enquiring. But you’re seeing yourself as failing when you don’t win or see other people who do it better. Can’t you see the value in teaching yourself all of these new skills? Can you try to appreciate the process you’re going through to improve as an achievement in itself? You don’t have to ‘win’ or be better than anyone else to achieve.

Hey OP, have a look at this and just see if it resonates: m.youtube.com/watch?v=hER0Qp6QJNU
(Simon Sinek on millenials in the workplace)

There is definitely this aspiration of "making an impact" early on in career that a lot of people who are currently in their 20s and early 30s got "sold" when they were at school. But in fact none of us are any more special than the next person. It's a fallacy to think otherwise. Some might be truly special, but they are very much in the minority and work hard for it +/- with a bit of luck thrown in.

I’m 52 and have just realised that there’s no such thing as ‘normal’.

I do know that many of the children I work with have considerable game related issues though. Some of them do nothing else all weekend.

Balance is everything.

Pssst OP - i have aspergers and immediately thought your first post snacked of it check out dr tony attwood's youtube vid 'autism in girls' or similar and see if it's you! I flew under the radar for a long time due to goid social masking and siblings diverting the attention of the professionals; i just seemed more neurotypical than them so no one suspected, but it's there! Everything you've said since matches if you ask me lol

Snacked? Smacked!