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Original poster

To not know what to do when someone dies close to Christmas?

21 replies

Bunnybigears · 19/12/2018 22:30

So an ex colleague of mine has had the awful news her DH died in a motorbike accident today. I wouldnt normally send her a xmas card as we just have never exchanged them but I would normally semd a sympathy card in such circumstances. She has a 13 year old child if that makes any difference. Do I send a sympathy card only or would it be odd to then not send a Christmas card but then wishing them a merry Christmas when it obviously will be anything but also seems a bit odd? Wwyd? We are too far away for me to go around and offer practical help.otherwise I would.

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 19/12/2018 22:32

Send the sympathy card, make sure it has your contact details in it if your number has changed etc and let her know you are there for her if she needs anything

Biscuitsneeded · 19/12/2018 22:33

Send a sympathy card. Don't send a Christmas card. Christmas will not happen/will just be an awful blur for her and her child anyway. On no account wish her a merry Christmas.

Iwishit · 19/12/2018 22:33

I would send the sympathy card and not a Christmas card.

olivertwistwantsmore · 19/12/2018 22:33

Send a sympathy card. Not a Xmas card. Poor them.

Confuzzlediddled · 19/12/2018 22:34

When my dad died in December last year I appreciated sympathy cards, I didn't want to think about Christmas. Just knowing you care will be a great support to her

Ploverlover · 19/12/2018 22:34

Sympathy card, plus an Amazon voucher for the teen (it's going to be a shit Christmas.)

BanginChoons · 19/12/2018 22:34

Send the sympathy card.

PositiveVibez · 19/12/2018 22:35

Sympathy card. Not a Christmas card.

How terribly sad for your friend and her child.

Dogsmellssobadbob · 19/12/2018 22:36

Do not send a Xmas card
Xmas will be the last thing on their mind and the jollity of a festive card would be very misplaced

Send a sympathy card, offer support and mean it. Everyone says ‘call me if I can do anything’ then you never hear another word off them and actually calling out the blue to ask for a cooked meal, a lift, help with the endless phone calls, someone to walk the dog etc etc is actually really hard to do.

So call her in a few days and offer genuine practical help- those mentioned above for example of just pop over with an easy meal they can reheat like soup and fresh bread

blackbunny · 19/12/2018 22:36

I lost my DH in August and one of the things that gave me the greatest comfort was the many messages of sympathy and support, I realised lots of people were thinking about me. I’m sure she would appreciate a card offering your condolences, no need to speak about Christmas it won’t be in her thoughts.

Original poster
Bunnybigears · 19/12/2018 22:37

Ok sympathy card it is, I cant even begin to imagine what they are both going through.

OP posts:
PeaQiwiComHequo · 19/12/2018 22:37

sympathy card.

put a note in your diary to send a non-merry "thinking of you" card in December next year. you've never sent x-mas cards before, now is not the time to start. Xmas cards come with a sense of obligation to reciprocate for some people - obviously the last thing she needs.

Thehop · 19/12/2018 22:43

Send a sympathy card. The poor woman, thoughts are with them

EarringsandLipstick · 19/12/2018 22:46

Sympathy card, plus an Amazon voucher for the teen (it's going to be a shit Christmas.)

Great idea Plover

Someone sent me a cinema voucher for me & the kids when my dad died in the summer. I was hugely touched by the kindness.

Sweetpea55 · 19/12/2018 22:47

A sympathy card is best. A Christmas card is a greetings card. There will be no Christmas for them this year.

Gormless · 19/12/2018 22:52

My mother died the week before Christmas. As others have said- absolutely no Christmas card, and yes to a sympathy card with your number in it. I’m not sure if you have her number, but I know I appreciated knowing that people were thinking of me on Christmas Day even when I felt unable to celebrate it myself, so a text then could also help. And what someone above has said about remembering the first anniversary is also good. Mainly, though, it could just be some random Wednesday in March that it could really hit her and that’s when you can be especially helpful. The many well-wishers will have gone by then but you will see her daily and can buy her a coffee/take a little of the work strain off her for a day/whatever she needs. She’ll likely be overwhelmed with support now- it’s later on that you’ll have more of a chance to step up and support her.

Gormless · 19/12/2018 22:56

Just realised it’s an ex-colleague: sorry! But the point about not forgetting her as the year moves on still stands. Poor lady.

MrsPinkCock · 19/12/2018 23:06

My DM died suddenly two weeks before Xmas, we had her funeral on 23 December.

I honestly wish I could have cancelled Christmas but with DC it wasn’t an option.

Any reminders of Christmas for me would have just pissed me off, it was ignoring it as best I could that made me enjoy Christmas again a couple of years later and not associate it with death!

I appreciated every sympathy card. I basically ignored Christmas cards because they felt insensitive Blush

Severide08 · 20/12/2018 16:55

My DM died a week before Christmas and i had to keep going for our 2 DC's who were missing their nanny .If i could have cancelled Christmas i would and i really appreciated the sympathy cards and my wonderful friends who offered support .Like previous poster has put she may feel overwhelmed by support now.I would reach out and let her know that if she needs that support you are there .Cant imagine her and her DC pain ,thoughts are with them .

anniehm · 20/12/2018 17:09

Send the sympathy card, don't over think it. How terrible for them - I would also suggest offering to be there if/when she would like to talk in the months to come (people rally round on day one then disappear quickly in my experience)

Norma27 · 20/12/2018 18:01

My stepdad was knocked down and killed 2 weeks ago. My mum is appreciating the sympathy cards but doesn’t want any Christmas ones.
Best of wishes to your colleague.

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