What do you think of this.. long post, it could almost be a book.

[Christmasy]

I moved to the UK when I was 6, I don’t know the full story but basically, DM uprooted my life when she fell in love with someone, my now DSD. (Step dad, unsure if this is the correct lingo)

DM got pregnant with me at 18 and split up with DF. DM went on holiday and met DSD, I’m not sure how long it took to move over etc but I was told my DF didn’t fight for me to stay.

I’m 25 now, in those years since I left, I’ve been back to my home country once, when I was 10. (Violent country and about 10 hours via plane, so my mum loathed going back) That was the last time I saw DF (I didn’t know it would be the last time then). DF has 4 other DC who I see growing up with him via FB. It didn’t bother me before now.

In primary and secondary school I used to sit in class and dream that DF would, a) Surprise me by coming to my school in his private jet and land on the school playground, everyone would be so jealous of this. B) come and whisk me away in said jet and take me back to my home country.

I obviously watched too much Tracy Beaker.

But growing up I had DSD, I didn’t know life without him. He was my only father. DF stopped sending birthday/Christmas presents and phoning me when I was around 11. Baring in mind it was expensive to call back then.

But things have changed drastically, my DSD has major flaws, he’s a drug addict. He missed birthdays and Christmas (I struggle badly with occasions now) and he once threw cold water over me and DM when he came home, drugged up and I was in his bed with DM, he wanted me to go in my own bed and DM refused. (She was using me as a sheild so he didn’t beat her, and I did as always)

DM and DSD spilt up about 6 years ago after it all ended in a huge fight, I was accidentally stabbed by DSD trying to protect DM, not life threating but life changing. He went to prison and changed his life. I forgave him.

DSD has two DC by DM. I always felt left out but now I’ve moved out and started a family of my own I feel like he doesn’t care anymore.

I never see him, he gets his DM to put money in a card for me for birthdays. (His DM money, not even his) he spends loads on his DC, and sees them every weekend.

I feel like I’ve been pushed out of yet another family. I am heartbroken that I’ve lost another father.
I didn’t think I struggled too badly with DF not bothering with me, I just wished he would come and save me from evil DM. But looking back I realise the impact it’s had on me.

DM is a toxic person, I only tolerate her for my siblings. Youngest is 4 so I have a bloody long time putting up with her.

In this day and age it’s so easy to contact someone from any part of the world for FREE. I’ve tried to message DF telling him I miss him but no reply. He posted on my FB happy birthday last year, this year he just shared the memory and of course it was a day late! No call, no text. I always try and ring him on his birthday but he never answers.

I’ve gone back to dreaming about DF coming to get me, it’s utterly ridiculous, I’m 25 and imaging DF on this private jet, but this time he comes and buys the house next door to me with all my siblings, we see each other every day and my DC have 4 more aunties and uncles! They all go to the same school. I imagine dinner parties and huge Christmas and birthday gatherings.

Am I going slightly crazy to be thinking about something that will never in a million years happen?

Oh OP. You’ve been so badly let down by adults in your life, and you deserve so much better. I don’t think any of your parents will ever be the figures you deserve or give you the love you should have had.

I have no advice, but I hope you can find strength and happiness in your other relationships.

You have dealt with so much and have more forgiveness than I would ever have. The day dreaming is natural. When my dad was drinking and my mother addicted to prescription drugs my heroes were not even real. My imaginary birth parents who would rescue me. My parents sorted themselves out and have since died but I still day dream of my alternate life especially in times of stress as it was my coping mechanism.

Oh you poor love Have you had any counselling? This is such a complex and difficult situation, I think you would massively benefit from talking it over with someone neutral and working through your feelings about what must have been a devastating set of circumstances for you.

This daydreaming only stopped for me the day by Dad died. And then I was just sad that it wouldn't ever happen. Some people have huge flaws

And my birthday is the day before my Dad's - he's always forget. He once said to me, "See, your grandad's not that bad."

Except you're my Dad...and you've forgotten. It's not just you and has no bearing on your worth as a person, just their inability to love someone else properly x

I tried to get counselling one time, it was a 6 month waiting list. My anxiety took over and by the time I was near the top I just couldn’t go through with it.

After that the thought of counselling was unachievable, my imagination runs wild and I think I’m going to end up letting EVERYTHING out and not be able to cope. It’s a backwards way of thinking but I’ve kept everything to myself for so long I can’t imagine telling someone in RL the whole story and how I feel.
I even convinced everyone my failed suicide attempt was an accidental overdose, even though I took a ton of DSD addiction medication.

I try and avoid posts about parents and addiction as it triggers my anxiety but knowing and hearing stories other people have been through, I realise I’m not alone so thank you for sharing and taking the time to reply.