For feeling this emotional?

[Finla]

So 3 years ago today I was getting married in the morning, at a beautiful country house with my future all planned out.

Fast forward 3 years and 1 awful relationship/marriage forward (without getting into all the grotty details but I haven't done anything terribly wrong) I find myself on my own, crying into the tree lights with two children sleeping soundly upstairs who are just excited that Santa is coming soon.

AIBU for feeling so rubbish? Please tell me that come the new year I'll feel better

Anniversaries, when they're linked with loss, are always hard, and when you throw Christmas into the mix it must be even harder. Three years ago you were expecting a very different future - of course you're going to mourn what you thought you'd have. Yes, it will get easier. You have to try to focus on the different future you're going to have with those two excited children.

It's ok to feel what you feel and there are lots of reasons why this year is really crap for lots of people.
You can feel rubbish, or you can congratulate yourself for coming through it with two lovely kids looking forward to a special Christmas, and having your tree lights up. Both are ok. One of the good things about being alone is being able to feel what you feel without anyone telling you you are being unreasonable.

Hmmm well you've hit on the key issue there missmayhem... I've realised so much since I've been on my own and one of the things is that I'm a better Mum to my children without someone constantly being negative towards me and constantly having to walk on eggshells. I can actually enjoy them and Christmas, and I am, I really am.. I don't know what it is today, I'm a really strong person and I don't actually feel sad per se, I just keep bursting into random tears for no reason. It's like (without being melodramatic) my soul is sad. I can't really talk to my friends and family about it as I don't want to worry them and actually I'm ok so I'm sure come tomorrow I'll be fine. I just felt like some virtual support would be nice. So thank you x

You were strong enough to get out of a bad relationship. That’s something to be proud of. And you got your two lovely kids out of it so it wasn’t a mistake.

I can see why your soul would be sad.

You're allowed to grieve for the dream you had of your future, even though you do recognise that you're able to be the mum you want to be with the way things are now instead. I think it's probably quite important that you allow yourself to grieve for that.

I hope this sadness is part of your healing process - it sounds like it - and it starts to lift.

Try not to beat yourself up too much. You're human.

I just read this while I'm also crying at the loss of the hope of the future. I am so deeply sad and also feel like my soul is broken. I thought I was the only one feeling like this

Sending you a big hug onemore for whatever you are going through

Would be perfectly natural and understandable to feel overwhelmed by single motherhood at this time of year, OP. As much as you can see the relative blessings of being out of a marriage that was sabotaging you, and having two lovely kids to show for it, sometimes you're going to feel anxiety and uncertainty about being on your own. Everything it demands of you from day to day, as capable and resourceful as you are, can have a lonely ring to it sometimes. This time of year can be incredibly poignant for someone in your shoes, and your emotional self is acknowledging that. As you say, chances are you'll feel less sad tomorrow, but it's healthy to let some of those painful feelings breathe for a bit, makes you stronger once they're processed and you can look to the future with renewed hope in your heart.

I hope you and the children have a wonderful Christmas, you're amazing