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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you have a favourite?

22 replies

SammySays · 19/12/2018 19:37

DH and I are considering baby no2, we feel it’s now or never for various reasons. I absolutely adore my DD and I am terrified that if we have another child, that I might not love it as much as DD. I’m also concerned that in order to love that child properly, it might potentially take some of my love away from DD.

I’m sorry if that sounds silly but I was hoping to hear the honest truth of it. Anyone I have asked in real life has said that the love just doubled. Is that true or are mums just saying what they think they should?

OP posts:

EleanorShellstropper · 19/12/2018 19:41

I sometimes have a favourite child (the one who cleans up, eats all their supper, or draws me a picture and tells me they love me over the one that tells me that I'm a poopy mummy and that they hate me).....

But aside from joking, I know some parents worry about this and everyone will come on here saying that love only grows. I love my three children more than anything...they are my family...and I made them! No one can change that. If anything my love increased for each child with each child.

thefirstonelast · 19/12/2018 19:41

I love both mine. Sometimes I like DS2 more than DS1, but that is because he is easier at the moment as he is younger!

I don't think you have a total store of love and so some of you store needs to be taken from one child to give to another. It doesn't work like that!

Seeing them play together is just lovely. It makes your heart warm for them both.

PhaedrasChocolate · 19/12/2018 19:42

I don't have a favourite, they are both very different though. I relate more on an emotional level with ds because we are so similar, but me and dd have a special relationship because she was my first and we are into the same stuff. She doesn't 'get' me though, or I her. But we muddle along.

I think the best answer if you're ever asked this, is ' no - I hate you both equally'

ADarkandStormyKnight · 19/12/2018 19:44

I have three and no I don’t have a favourite. But they are different and have their own personalities. Their needs are different because they are different people and I’ve been forced to prioritise one or other at times but generally those phases don’t last too long.

StarShapedWindow · 19/12/2018 19:44

No, I have no idea how people can favour one child over another.

Stickmanslittleleaf · 19/12/2018 19:44

I think EVERYONE feels like this! I did 100%! How could I ever love anyone as much as DD? And then when I was pregnant what if I love it MORE than DD and she's pushed out (still wasn't quite sure I'd love him at all until I held him). Then he was born and it all fell into place. I love my DD as much as I ever did and I love DS equally.
Did you worry about loving DD before you had her? I did and I think it was partly that which helped me realise it was going to be ok. If you had no such worries before your first it's probably harder to grasp, but there you just get more love.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 19/12/2018 19:46

OP were there favourite issues in your family growing up?

Baffledmummy · 19/12/2018 19:47

I had the same worries with pregnant with DC2...thought I could never love anything as much as DC1. Am pleased to report that fear was unfounded!

Depending on how cute/funny/annoying they are being I may prefer one over the other at a point in time but it is just as likely to be the other the following day. I adore them both.

PhaedrasChocolate · 19/12/2018 19:48

Not long after I had dd, I was talking to an older woman at work and said to her that I don't think I could ever have another because I could never love them as much. She said - ah, but every flower has a different scent. I never forgot that, it's lovely.

Propertywoe · 19/12/2018 19:50

We found the fear disappeared when DD arrived and was replaced with not being able to imagine life without her. Then the same with DS2.

NoShelfElf · 19/12/2018 19:51

They bring their own love. I'm sure the love you have for DD is more than you ever felt before she came along. Now you'll get to love watching her grow into a big sister role and love her differently for it. And as for another baby - don't worry, there's never a shortage and you will love them equally as children but differently as different little people. There's plenty to worry about when adding to your family, but I don't think this is an issue. I hope if you choose to have another, the journey there is easy

Huntawaymama · 19/12/2018 19:52

Everyone goes through this but honestly your heart just gets bigger. My second is 6m and my husband is always teasing me that dd1 is my favourite but that's just because I'm constantly throwing the baby at him or begging him to have her so I can have one to one time with dd1; I miss it just being us sometimes and I get loads of one to one time with DD2. They are both loved so much

cigarettessuffragettesandboys · 19/12/2018 19:52

I don’t have a favourite. What I did get though was extreme guilt towards the end of my second pregnancy. I kept looking at my first and thinking how it would never be just the two of us again and how he’d have to share his mum from now on. I got really upset about it and actually cried at one point after having my second child because I was worried my first born was feeling abandoned (didn’t help that I had 2 under 2).

I think it’s completely normal to feel irrational guilt when you have a second but I don’t think it’s normal to have a favourite. I can honestly say I love and treat both my children the same.

Augusta2012 · 19/12/2018 19:53

No favourite. But just like any other relationships they ebb and flow and at some points you will be closer to one than another but be closer to the other the next week.

Raggedyaine · 19/12/2018 19:57

I think everyone must worry about this. When I was about 15 I sat next to a mum and her small baby during a flight. She told me she would never have another as she knew she could not love another as much. Well this horrified me as I am a second child (with a chip on my shoulder at age 15). I have thought of her often. I have two children with a large age gap and my relationship is different with each as their personalities are different but I adore each of them with all my heart and would put their well being ahead of everything else but I treat them as equally as possible. I am sure if I had another 2 I would have loved and cherished them just as much, i just wouldnt have had as much time for them. Subsequent children dont take love away from existing ones but they do take time away from them (a minus) but also they take attention/focus away from them (a plus from my eldests pov)

Drogonssmile · 19/12/2018 20:01

I honestly could not give an answer if I had to choose between my two. I love them enormously and equally. Sometimes I might like one more than the other because their "phase" is easier but I could not favour one over the other ever.

Original poster

SammySays · 19/12/2018 20:02

Thank you all for your replies. This has certainly put my mind at ease.

I probably should have mentioned in my original post that I am an only child so I never had to deal with favouritism at all. I think being an only child is another reason why this has caused me such concern. I had a fantastic childhood full of love and laughter. I never had to compete for attention or affection, I was secure in the fact that I was my parents world. My DD currently has that and I think I have been worried that in having another, this would be taken away from her. Whilst I didn’t long for a sibling when I was a child, as I am now older I can see that a sibling would have been nice. This will be especially true I expect when my parents pass; I won’t have anyone who shares my childhood memories.

Thank you for your replies, I think I am leaning towards having number 2. It’s very exciting but scary!!

OP posts:

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 19/12/2018 20:04

I thought this too and I didn't bond with my second pregnancy as I didn't think I could possibly love another child like DD1. Then DD2 arrived and my heart near on exploded. Then again with DS. I love them all equally and I don't have a favourite. They are all very different. DD1 is very special is I had 4 years with just her plus she is old enough (6) to do more than the other two. But she isn't my favourite.

JellySlice · 19/12/2018 20:11

I never understood the "How will I ever love a second child as much as my first?" It just made no sense to me. I knew that I would love dc2 as much as I loved dc1 - it was so obvious to me. Loving dc1 primed me to love dc2. Loving dc1 also increased my love for dh.

It may sound cheesy, but there is absolutely no limit to the amount of love your heart can hold.

Cheekysquirrel · 19/12/2018 20:17

Dd is my favourite. She’s just an easier, happier child than ds. Ds is relentless and hard work. I don’t love her more but I like her more pretty much 100% of the time.

Mallorie · 19/12/2018 21:08

My mum once said (of her 5 kids) there's the kid who I get along with the best and the kid I'd grab first if the house was on fire and they're not the same kid (I wasn't supposed to overhear this, lol). Two of my brothers had special needs and were hard work, and I think she loved them in a different, stronger way because they needed her more. She knew the rest of us would be OK with or without her.

thefirstonelast · 20/12/2018 08:08

I have a sibling but no-one to share childhood memories with either. On the (very) rare occasions with have talked of childhood we find we have different memories. And also wildly different view of our parents and their personalities.

Tbh I've decided its best not to even try talking about childhood/parents with my sibling.

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