Quick straw poll - badly behaved child at play date

[froufroufoxes]

Due to be picked up in 10 minutes so I need your advice!

8yr old visiting child - notoriously high spirited - has gone into my purse and taken £80.
I actually can't even believe it myself.
I have read the riot act and will cool off the friendship but do I tell the parents?
I feel I should spare them the embarrassment.
Child definitely hasn't learnt the behaviour from parents.
Help

I would want to know, but there's a way of telling them, rather than being cross, be supportive of their problems with their child. They are probably pulling their hair out on a year long wait list for cahms

Tell the parents. You will need to explain why you won’t be having their child in your home ever again.

You will need to explain why you won’t be having their child in your home ever again

Alternatively you could just lock away your purse if your child gets on with him. Posters on this thread seem to have missed the fact the child is 8. Not 18!

I would be careful here. Talk to the Mum and try to do it in a non-judgemental way.

The thing is, if your kids were egging him on to do other stuff, they were probably egging him on to do this, even if they do deny it. Children egging on another child to do naughty things because they think it’s funny when the child has a vulnerability and possibly a disability that makes him susceptible to influence - it’s not very nice. So you’d be wise not to approach it confrontationally.

OP, you really can't wait to tell them later.

You need to do it the same day.

So you’d be wise not to approach it confrontationally given the OP's reluctance to approach it at all, I can't see how there's any hint she'd confrontational.

And another vote for not waiting - why would you?

They need to know. If it were your child you would want to know. I admire your concern for the difficult time they are having with this child, but how can they help him if they do not know what is ogong on?

Posters on this thread seem to have missed the fact the child is 8. Not 18

I'm pretty sure that posters on this thread all knew not to steal when they were 8.

You really do need to tell the parents tonight, the next person this child steals from might not be so forgiving. Best to try and get it nipped in the bud.

Do you definitely know that it was the visiting child who took the money and not your son?

Has the child given back the £80? I would mention it- chances are the parents might have lost some stuff themselves and thought someone stole it and not have thought of the child!

Also wouldn't invite the child back until the parents teach them some manners..

If it was my child I’d want to know. Better to hear it from someone nice who tells you gently. Then you’re prepared for the day someone freaks out over childs behaviour.

Tell them tonight, it can just be a ‘thought you might like to know I had to have a word with child for taking money from my purse this afternoon’ text. It will give them a chance to talk to their child and, if the child does have sen, they can revise whatever strategies they’re using to manage the child’s behaviour.

They need to know so tell them, but in a kind and empathetic way.

I'm busy having stern words with my own dc who was egging on other bad behaviour - this is a concern. I assume you weren't watching the children 100% of the time or you'd have dealt with the theft before it happened. So, how much egging on might your child have done, and how do you know it wasn't over the theft too?

you'd have dealt with the theft before it happened.

How could have the op done that.She didnt know.

I think you need to tell sooner rather than later.What if the child takes it on somebody who really needed it.

I think you need to cool the playdates for a while.

If you don’t mention it your kids will think your a pushover, don’t lose their respect yet wait till it kicks in naturally in about 6 years!

Yes @rachelfrost that's what I'll do.
I'm certain that my child wasn't egging them on to take the money as I had the story from both and it was my child who told me they were stealing.
My child did however encourage them into my room to use my laptop (luckily password protected) which they know is off limits.
My child has had punishment and very severe telling off.

Thanks for all the messages. I know it's shocking and sounds obvious that you should tell but life is more complicated than that!

I would tell the parents. I personally wouldn't cool the friendship but would be more closely supervising. Agree with PP, the child is 8 not 18. The whole point of childhood is that you are learning how to be an adult and responsible and considerate. And you said the child had ADHD. Personally, I would be kind. This is a child who may need more support than most, but he won't get it if he had no friends. It takes a village to raise a child and all that. His parents can't raise him on their own. They need other parents to facilitate his social learning with other children (and adults) to do that.

Thank you @thefirstonelast that's a very reasonable response.
I do feel I need to stop play dates for a while as I can't supervise to the level needed due to other dcs in the house.
I don't want to turn my back on the child but I'm so angry right now.

You need to tell the parents now. Leaving it to a later date is no good. The time will have gone and I suspect you then will not do it or if you do do it, the parent will wonder why you didn't let them know there and then. Think of it as forewarning them. This child may attempt it again somewhere else. Parents may take the not my child attitude if they think it's the first time. If they know it's happened before they are better equipped to deal with it/punish it.

If you don't feel able to tell the parents face to face drop them a text message, something along the lines of "it was lovely to see you all today! Just so you know, x tried to steal £80 from my purse today by (then tell story). I got the money back so please don't worry but I thought I should let you know so you are aware x"

If it was my child I'd want to know, my child has behavioural problems and I can't tackle them unless I'm aware x

I have ADHD and I still would never steal from a purse. There's being ADHD and impulsive, then there's being naughty. My eldest is ADHD but not inherently naughty. She would never do this. She's done other things through misunderstandings, but never on purpose.

With my two, if something happens I will let someone know but point out that I think my child was involved at such and such level and that I am/ have taken appropriate steps and that I just wanted to let them know the situation.

OP - Please tell the parents this evening, the longer you leave it the worse you may feel. Also the longer you leave it the more difficult you may find it to bring up the subject.
They really need to know.

@Posthistoricmonsters I don't know whether the child has a diagnosis - I just said I 'suspect' it.
I don't think there was much forethought in it - they wouldn't have known whether there was £20 or £200 as it was folded. And what would they have done with it anyway if they got away with it?! They can't exactly wander off to the sweet shop on their own at that age.

I will tell the parents tonight though as it's important they deal with it.

Ahh, I see, sorry.
It's such a difficult thing. I wish I could educate the planet of what's actually going through our heads and why things are as they are with us. It's a horrible thing to have.
I hope it goes well when you speak to them. It's never easy. Our last next door neighbours kid did something unspeakable and thanks to a lack of connection with them owing to hostility, I never said anything. Although the local bobby knew (and understood I didn't want it taking further). You never know how people will react to things. But I honestly feel these days that I'd rather not be friends with people if they're difficult. My circle is now extremely small and I'm actually the happiest I've been in many years.
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