Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum won't listen - AIBU?

172 replies

FattyMacFatFace · 19/12/2018 15:29

Long story short.

Since October (I started early hoping it would sink in by Christmas) I have repeatedly explained to my DM that DH & I want a simple Christmas this year so asked for no gifts. Reason being that year after year we get bags of useless gifts that I have to sort & take to the charity shop which I don't want to do this this year as I'm also left burdened with the guilt of them having wasted money.

DM agreed but on Monday she text to ask what we want for Christmas. I replied & reminded her no gifts. She didn't reply & she has ignored me since (we normally text every day)

I don't want to contact her as I know I'll get narky with her. If I contact her & be friendly she'll think this is me being ok with her not listening to me.

We're supposed to be visiting on Monday but how do I react if she hands over her usual bags of tat? I don't want to be ungrateful but don't want to encourage her either as going forward we want to make no gifts a regular thing.

Should I suck it up or stick to my guns?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 19/12/2018 15:31

Suck it up. Smile and say thank you. Drop off at charity shop on your way home.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/12/2018 15:46

I'd send her another text (as that is how you said you generally communicate) and say "Hi Mum, thanks for asking about Christmas gifts. As we mentioned back in October we really don't want or need anything this year. However, if you would like, I can't see anything wrong with getting a charity goat/clutch of chicks/schoolbooks or whatever you think and suits your price point. I think Oxfam do good charity gifts and we'd much rather the money went to a deserving cause. Thanks again for asking and see you on Monday."

That way, you're not ending up with a bag of unwanted gifts, she has bought you a present and someone else is actually getting something they need/want.

ThanosSavedMe · 19/12/2018 15:49

And if she gives you something on Monday leave it there for her to deal with. Remind her that you asked her to not get you anything.

Original poster
FattyMacFatFace · 19/12/2018 16:00

My plan was to leave the gifts at her house but I know I'll feel terrible walking away.

Problem is my DM is very excessive. If it was just a small bag of gifts I'd smile & say Thankyou but she gets those huge gift bags (that a toddler could stand up in) & fills them with excessive amounts of stuff I have politely dropped into conversation & told her that we don't use/want/need.

We've been in situation for years but want to finally put a stop to it.

OP posts:
TinkerSpy · 19/12/2018 16:02

I find it's much easier to say 'Okay, JUST get us X (fave chocs, wine, insert small gift here) rather than saying you want anything, as inevitably something will be bought for you!

Sirzy · 19/12/2018 16:02

Some people get a lot of pleasure out of gift giving.

Just accept it and anything that is no use donate to charity shop

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2018 16:14

You are being ungrateful. She probably gets some pleasure out if picking gifts for you. Just smile and say thank you. It won't kill you and it will make her happy.

Original poster
FattyMacFatFace · 19/12/2018 16:15

We agreed to vouchers & a small box of chocolates. I saw her last week & she was forcing additional gift ideas on me & despite me losing my temper & stressing we don't want anything other than the already agreed voucher & chocolates she still text Monday morning. I just don't understand why she refuses to listen.

OP posts:
Yoghurty · 19/12/2018 16:18

I've had exactly the same conversation with my mum. I know it's going in one ear and out the other - and DH's parents are exactly the same. It all goes to charity- we feel very ungrateful but it's things we would never use/want so better to go to those who would/do.

At this point, I'd assume she's already bought you things for Monday's visit so be prepared to say thank you and donate Grin

I'm hanging out here to see what other people suggest as we've had no luck.

Even if we ask for vouchers/small specific gifts, we still get the tat!

Sirzy · 19/12/2018 16:19

Maybe she doesn’t get why you refuse to listen to the fact she wants to buy presents?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2018 16:19

Because she enjoys it. It's a simple thing that gives her pleasure. Why would you lose your temper with her thats just unpleasant.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2018 16:21

You want to spoil her enjoyment because you can't be bothered to make a quick trip to a charity shop?

Most charities will put plastic collection bags through your door (especially in January) and you can leave it out front for them.

geekone · 19/12/2018 16:25

Wow your poor mum, she has probably gets immense pleasure from giving her children Christmas gifts I know I do and you sound like an ungrateful.........person.......

If you had told her some of the things you wanted you might not get any of the ‘tat’ you don’t appreciate. Heaven forbid your poor mum gets any enjoyment out of the season.

So sorry you feel too good for your DM and DHs generosity. Have a Xmas Angry

Original poster
FattyMacFatFace · 19/12/2018 16:27

When I say I lost my temper I didn’t scream & punch her in the face. I just firmly repeated no additional gifts. I don't want her to waste her money then lie to her when she asks if we like everything she has bought.

OP posts:
birdladyfromhomealone · 19/12/2018 16:33

Are you my DD OP?
Maybe your Mum just like me still finds the act of giving as exciting as it was when you were a child.
We have a standing joke in our house that I rummage in my bathroom cabinets for stuff I have not opened.
My 2 DD laugh about it but use the bottles of shampoo/shower gel from hotel visits.
Every year they say oh no not bathroom seconds.
May be my DD feel the same? If they send it to the charity shop I dont mind as long as we laugh as they open it all and add it to their pile of gifts.
Its just a bit of fun that has spanned many years in our household.
They also get small gifts in a stocking after lunch including scratch cards which they love.
Everyone happy except for my DIL who doesnt get it!!! :) :) :)

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2018 16:36

Do you really not understand to her it is not a waste of money. Are you really incapable of a small lie to let her have her enjoyment. All you need to do is say yes thank you Mum. You could also add I particularly liked the wine/chocolate or whatever so that sticks in her mind and she gets you more of that type of stuff in the future

Imalittleelf · 19/12/2018 16:39

Is there a much bigger item she can contribute towards like a camera or tv ect.

Its what I do with my mum she loved buying gifts it's how she shows her love for people so now I just ask her to help me buy something that I really want or need but is quite expensive..

CarolDanvers · 19/12/2018 16:42

Just accept the gifts politely as good manners dictate.

footballmum · 19/12/2018 16:43

You need a different approach OP. My DF was a bit like this. He has a set budget that he has to spend no matter what (even if it’s on useless crap!) Over the years I’ve askes him to give part of his budget in something like Amazon or itune vouchers which the DSs load onto their accounts. It started with a smallish amount but we all gushed about them so much that over the years the amount of the vouchers have increased and the crap has reduced. He knows that they are really useful and appreciated and this year he’s just giving vouchers!! Turning down gifts is cruel and you have to remember that some people get real joy from giving. Don’t take that away from her.

UpstartCrow · 19/12/2018 16:46

Try the suggestion made by Imalittleelf as its the most sensible outcome for everyone.

SushiMonster · 19/12/2018 16:51

Much easier to say "oh I would LOVE " and this thing being something easy and cheap to buy like a certain kind of chocs or something.

PanamaPattie · 19/12/2018 16:52

I don't understand why your DM keeps buying you stuff when you have made your wishes quite clear? If she wants to spend money on gifts at Christmas, why can't she buy them for someone that actually wants them?

Fairylea · 19/12/2018 16:53

I think you’re being a bit mean.

She obviously enjoys buying you stuff and wants to share in the joy of giving at Christmas.

Smile and say thank you, look excited and happy and get rid of it afterwards to charity if you have to.

Why make someone miserable over this?!

tinselduck · 19/12/2018 16:53

I also have this. I have learnt to ask for specific consumable items (nice soaps or an activity ( like pantomime tickets, for example), that way she still gets to give us a gift, and we get to enjoy.

Don't leave your presents there. That's such a mean thing to do. Her heart is in the right place, you just have different approaches.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/12/2018 16:55

It is difficult when someone really, really loves giving gifts. Honestly, unless you want an ongoing row or to fall out with that person completely, you have no option but to thank them and smile, and park the lot in the nearest charity shop. At least someone else will get the benefit of whatever it is.

(And if you are the sort of person who likes to whine about waste and the environment, remember that you may be 'right' but sometimes it's genuinely more important to be kind.)