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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents and boundaries

14 replies

Maxboy · 19/12/2018 10:33

My daughter has a child who is nearly 3, my involvement is very hit and miss due to the other grandparents controlling every occasion possible. I am wanting to understand why they use us for babysitting and expect us to buy outfits to celebrate with the other grandparents. The whole situation is making me feel resentful towards the other grandparents, we are due their on Xmas day but as you can imagine the other grandparents will turn up even though it’s the only day I spend with my daughter and granddaughter together as they have done it every time we go around there, I have stopped visiting as I just can’t stand them and her partner is so rude to us and sits in the other room when we are there, if we have a meal he doesn’t sit at the table with us he sits in the front room causing an issue as we feel he wouldn’t do it to his parents just us. It’s almost like he doesn’t want us there near his child and his parents talk about us very awfully it has got back to us and the grandfather has been challenged but denied it. I am very feisty when it comes to my family and feel that this man has be allowed to put us down, the other problem I have got is the babysitting as this is the only other time I see my daughter drop offs and pick ups. The partner has booked a holiday for just them two which was meant to be of booked in early autumn and the babysitting was planned they didn’t go but we still got landed with the child for 3 days which of course I didn’t mind but he now booked a trip and not sorted the baby sitting out as I will refuse to do it this time.
Am I being unreasonable wanting to have a relationship with my granddaughter other than babysitting for days on end as and when they feel like a break plus why can’t the other grandparents do the babysitting.

OP posts:
GeorgeBailey2 · 19/12/2018 10:34

He seems very rude.

7yo7yo · 19/12/2018 10:35

They’ll stop you seeing the child.
You need to decide what’s more important.

Jinglealltheway2018 · 19/12/2018 10:41

What you got to remember is this grandchild is just that a grandchild not you’re child and as so your rights don’t trump the parents. You don’t have to baby sit of course but you can suggest meeting up for dinner with you’re dd and grandchild away from other family members. You do come across as there’s a rivalry between the two grandparents.

LagunaBubbles · 19/12/2018 10:45

It's their Grandchild to. If you have an issue with the way your DDs partner treats you then surely you need to speak to your DD?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/12/2018 10:53

Your case is quite strange as it usually the maternal gps who have more involment isn't it. Just like grandparents are usually closer to their daughters kids.
A lot of things can factor in though and make exceptions to the rules.
Do the paternal gps live nearer. Are they available to baby sit more

NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken · 19/12/2018 11:05

He sounds quite rude and perhaps a bit controlling? Could your daughter want to spend time together with you and the children but he is the one sabotaging it? Difficult situation tho, if you stopped babysitting they could stop you seeing your grandkids all together

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2018 11:14

Have you spoken to your daughter?

ElfClimbingTree · 19/12/2018 11:20

What sort of relationship did you have before your daughter had a child?

Are you behaving in any way which might be contributing to this situation?

My own mother thinks she behaves perfectly but doesn’t respect boundaries or see that her children are adults and that she needs to step back a bit. She is over emotional about things etc and as a result I don’t enjoy her company and try to limit it. I have tried to speak to her about this but she gets highly offended.

Original poster
Maxboy · 19/12/2018 11:25

Well we have all said that to be fair, my DD needs me and we have fallen out over it before but we ourselves have arguments because of his attitude, he’s not a bad person it’s just all
About him and his family a little cult like. The Gfather has said he doesn’t have to share her as my partner is not her maternail GF. Things like that really has set the rot in

OP posts:
IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 19/12/2018 11:32

Are you sure that the partner isn't trying to give you some alone time with your daughter and granddaughter?

At least you are actually getting some time with your granddaughter.

Balaboosteh · 19/12/2018 12:16

I’m confused. Why is it “babysitting” and not spending time with your grandchild? What’s different?

CryingMessFFS · 19/12/2018 12:23

Well her partner sounds like a dick and that’s one issue, but why are you moaning about not spending time with your grandchild yet you’re babysitting your grandchild? That’s spending time with them surely?

Santaispackinghissleigh · 19/12/2018 12:23

Similar but not quite the same op - my dil's dm 'books' dgs so in advance to cover all occasions we never get him to share in our family events. I used to have dgs when she worked, sometimes 3 times a week including 2 overnights. Unless ehr dm wanted hims shipped back - at my time /fuel. She became so flakey with days /times /pick up points - I had to stop. Lucky if I see dgs a few hours a week but the pressure to 'babysit' damaged the actual having a relationship with him. I grasp why you want to be seen as a dgm not childcare.
Not sure of the solution unfortunately, for us backing away was the answer sadly.

Original poster
Maxboy · 19/12/2018 12:24

The difference is we aren’t asked we are told and when we have something booked we are told to unbook it or we won’t see her for weeks

OP posts:
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