Dreading boxing day plans

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Hi every one just hoping to get some advice really.

Want to five the whole background as I dont want to drip feed. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with dc2 already have a dd age 2.

On Christmas day dh and i will spend the day at home with dd just the 3 of us not a problem to anyone else we don't enjoy big gatherings our friends and family know this so they are fine with it (mil a bit miffed but got over it as it was actually dh who told her he didn't want to drag dd around on Christmas day)

On boxing day we have agreed to see my dad and mil so will go to my dad earlier in the day and to mils later on as she has plans for the beginning part of boxing day sounds all fine im sure you're all thinking. The thing is as much as I get on with mil we have a great time together and a good laugh we live local so regularly meet up and do things just the two of us talk on the phone most days and just have a good relationship all around when other people are around (her dm, bil and his wife, her do or any other friend or family member) mil turns into this really possessive dgm she will literally snatch dd up off the floor where she is playing and make her sit with her for over an hour a time won't let dd come near me and dh or anyone else unless it's dbil she will feed dd things she isn't allowed (dd has a medical problem which requires careful management of her diet) she will ignore every one who talks to her and engage only in baby talk with dd which makes it really awkward to anyone talking to her. If dd falls or hurts herself she wont allow me to comfort her but will instead grab dd and pretty much run in the other direction and on the rare occasion dd gets anywhere near me in particular will watch me like a hawk and act like she doesn't know what to do with herself until she gets dd back. Dd picks up on mils change in behaviour and plays up blind around there and I just find the whole thing really stressful I get anxious just thinking about it just wish she could behave like her normal self instead of trying to show off and not leaving dd alone for even a second. Dbil doesn't live locally and for some reason mil trys to make him think she has some mother/daughter like relationship with dd.

Other times I know I've handled it quite badly even cut a visit short before because it became too much but then I feel mean on dbil who doesn't get to see us very often.

This year I want to handle it better but I also don't want to sit there letting it all happen I want to assert myself In a way that isn't rude but I want to be firm enough to let her know that dh and i are the parents and she needs to back off from dd and stop putting on this riduclous show in front of others because she doesn't act like this usually she has on occasion gone a little ott with dd but on the whole she's usually okay.

I know she knows this behaviour is wrong because after whatever family get together when she has acted this way the next time she sees me alone she is always very sheepish and will almost bend over backwards to act the total opposite.

I'm not looking to bash mil just looking for advice as I say I do really get on with her 90% of the time but as soon as others are around there's a total shift and at that moment I really don't like her much at all.

We have had words before when she tried getting all "my grandchild" over dd.

What would you all do in this situation? It's honestly like a real personality change. I'm determined to not to spend another family gathering counting down the minutes until I feel we have been there long enough that we can leave because usually I can spend an entire day with mil and it's fab.

Thanks all.

Personally I wouldn't bring it up directly in words, either yourself or DH. I mean what's she going to say? "Yes I know I turn into this weird controlling DGM, aren't I odd?" No, the chances are it won't end happily.

I would work on phrases to say and aim for pleasant but firm. Go in with a new attitude. "Thanks MIL but DD really needs me at the moment", "It's OK, MIL, I can deal with that", "Definitely she can't eat that MIL, you know it upsets her tummy". Let the good stuff go on (MIL playing with DD etc) but step in without hesitation where you feel it necessary.

I know it's hard. When my 1st was a baby my PILs (who I didn't get on particularly well with at the time) would sweep her up and take her off in the house, I didn't feel I could ever ask for her back, it was just awkward. It was like "You're in our house now so hand over DD and don't ask for her back". Sometimes they would talk to her in a sort of "You don't want Mummy do you, you've got Grandma" but it was done in a sing-song voice to DD and honestly it would have looked like I was the one with the problem to say something about it.

Over time I learned to be more assertive. I didn't want a row but I would just step in and say "I'll take DD now, MIL". Or even I would just do what they were doing and address DD directly "Come here DD, Mummy wants a cuddle with you!"

Be prepared to quietly and firmly stand your ground. She's your DD and if she's hurt herself or needs comforting it's definitely your prerogative to deal with that as her Mum. If you were happy that MIL had it all in hand that's different, but if you actually want to hold her/comfort her/play with her then just step in.

Sunday your reply made me rage for you did it het easier the more dc you had? I only day that because you said your first

She DOES know it bothers you, you have told her . She just doesn't care enough to stop it. It’s more important to her to play Grandma Of The Year to others.

She will only stop if you put consequences in place. Tell her you will leave if she acts like that. Then be prepared to do so. Make sure you H is on board with this plan.

You can always tell the other guests that you are not feeling well and think you might be going into labour. No one will argue about this with a woman who is 35 weeks PG.

But be very clear with MIL that it’s becaue of her behaviour , that’s SHE will be spoiling the day not you.

You need to nip this in the bud now before baby is born. Remember if she acts like this with new baby, it will upset your 2yo.

I say all this as MIL.

Oh typos sorry sunday

You might be able to say it by talking about yourself and your worries about your DD in that big family situation.
Your MIL likely can't see it happening to her when she is in that situation. Her attachment bond to her brother is making her behave like this. Sounds like she is very anxious around her brother so uses your DD as a human shield to get away from talking to him.
Before Christmas you could say 'I'm getting a bit worried about Christmas actually. Since I had kids I get very anxious when there is a lot of family around. At Christmas there are so many foods that DD can eat that upset her and I'm very worried about that so I'll probably be banging on to you about that a lot so apologies in advance about that!'
If it's only a few hours then just grin and bear the rest of her weird behaviour if it's only that day that your MIL is a pain in the arse showing off.

Seaweed I get what you're saying but it's the having to grin and bear stuff like this that's caused me so much anxiety and now I've been dreading these boxing day plans for over 3 months its the reason I won't be able to relax and enjoy Christmas day properly because I will know that in 24 hours I have to sit and endure all of that and then before new year even arrived I will be dreading it in advance for next year. It needs sorting 100%

Tears are fine, don't worry about that.
Talk in person, not text or phone, or write to her now ahead of time and calmly say that she knows you don't like when she does....
Say, since she doesn't seem to be aware she is doing it, you will give her a warning by saying a code word. If she doesn't stop you will calll her out on it in front of everyone and leave with dd if neccessary.
Let her have her strop now, don't take it on and arrive on Boxing Day as normal in good cheer. Don't let her bully you.

Just don't go OP. Say you're not well and stay at home and rest. This amount of anxiety isn't good for you.

No, seaweed. Don't apologise or grin and bear it.
Carlotta and whatjamacallit have right idea

And yoyo

She's doing this for attention in this gathering of people. Which means trying to sort it out with her in a rational way won't work. It would be great and the kind thing to do if she genuinely didn't understand what she was doing. But she does. She'll continue to do it while it brings her attention. (And act sheepish with you after) It must be so difficult when she's using your child to get attention, no wonder you feel so emotional when she's doing it. I have someone like this in my life and limiting interactions to one on one is the only way to cope with it. Completely different story then, she's easier when she feels enough attention is on her.

I found it far easier once I realized her motivation was attention (not anxiety-driven etc as I'd thought) I'd been tying myself in knots of self-reproach thinking I must be getting too stressed, she means well, she makes me feel crap, I'm sure she wouldn't deliberately etc etc. People who are anxious do modify behavior that causes distress to others. People who are performing for attention (whatever that need is driven by, insecurity or otherwise) do what works.

I don't know what to suggest here except that someone engages with her constantly and feeds her need for attention so she doesn't use your child for her performance. Basically like distracting a toddler. Your husband or in shifts. While the other person watches your actual toddler so she's kept away from the drama most of the time. Yes, it's rewarding her bad behavior. But she's not going to change that behavior. She'd enjoy the drama of you and your husband talking to her about her behavior but she has no motivation to change it (she knows it upsets you, her need for attention eclipses that). I would save yourself from that as it sounds like you know it wouldn't change her behavior. It all sounds quite histrionic. Deliberately feeding your child things that cause her pain is quite something.

If I dont go to mils I couldn't really go to my dad's and I know how unfair this sounds and this makes me a twat but I would not be willing to miss seeing my dad at all mil would go batshit if she got wind that I went to my dad's but didn't go to hers and I couldn't really blame her.

Sorry, that's a mini-essay! I just completely understand the dread. It's v unfair that is overshadowing your Christmas.

Could you take stuff with you that DD would find irresistible? Like a board game she could play in a small group, a craft kit that maybe she could do with grandma and tell her before hand ‘ooh grandma will love doing this with you’ etc.

I would usually say to just say in passing about how you hope you’re not going to try and confine DD to your lap this year but if you truly want to avoid a confrontation then I think you need to manufacture a situation where DD knows she’s got all these wonderful things she can do and support her in doing them. Maybe have something that you’ve told her mummy and daddy will
do with her. So literally you can walk in and you or your husband can immediately get it out and sit down to do it with DD in such a way that MIL physically can’t pick her up.

But truthfully, I would say to her that you’re so stressed about what DD gets put through every year that you’re wondering if it would be better to just not go.

I think what she’s doing is what my grandparents used to do which is using the grandchildren as the entertainment and as a status boost. ‘Oh look how wonderful my grandchild is...’

My in laws did it to us last year with random family of family friends we’d never met before. We don’t generally see anyone outside of family at Christmas as it’s so painful for us since my sister died and I just couldn’t take it as DD was carted off to play with these random children and I was left on my own.

We’ve countered it this year by doing what MIL did three decades ago - announcing that from now on we’re at home for Christmas and hosting them.

Mil. I really need your help with two things on Boxing Day the year. Given how much DD loves you, I think you are the best person to help her.

With the new baby coming we are trying really hard to get DD to be a little more jndependent and responsible so that when i am tied up feeding the baby, she is not hanging off me.

We really want her to get used to playing by herself for as long as possible. On Boxing Day, could you keep an eye on her and if she is pulling at others looking for attention, could you resettle her with her toys and encourage her to play on her own. The other thing is food. We want to get her used to checking with me anytime someone else gives her something to eat. Can you practise that with her on Boxing Day too, so everytime you offer her something, you say and lets go and check with Mummy first. Then when we are at friends houses or parties etc, she is going to know to check with me first.

Would this work, do you think??

All you can do then is either talk to her yourself, DH talk to her or put up with her behaviour. It's not going to magically get better on its own OP, it's obviously causing you a lot of anguish and I can see that you want to resolve this situation with MIL but that means you confronting her and getting it off your chest.

You're on the verge of getting involved in a Christmas war here so tread softly. I think the approach I would take would be 'MIL, I'm so worried that other members of the family will feed DD things she can't have on Boxing Day, would you help me keep an eye, you're the only one who understands how important this is' kind of thing.

I don’t think skipping it is good advice - you have many, many Christmasses ahead and therefore best to address the situation and nip it in the bud. I would get your husband to speak to her now “DW and I are a bit unsettled about Boxing Day - please will you not do XYZ as you usually do? We really don’t want to have to leave early...”

Can't you just see it as a good opportunity to have a break. Read the paper or something.

Master I wish I could life would be so much easier but no it is incredibly hard to sit there and watch someone do everything possible to keep your child away from you and allow things they know go against your rules. It's also not nice to watch my dd crying to reach her toys but mil won't let her go and then there's the issue that mils feeding her a load of shit and then later that day dd is shitting through the eye of a needle and screaming in agony so no it's not a break nor will I ever see that sort of situation as one.

Master - did you even read the OP? The child has a Medical condition and her GM is giving her food that makes her ill!!!!

How is watching that a “ break “ for her mother ???

Yes apologies did not see the bit about the food. To be fair it was only one sentence!

OP at the risk of sounding harsh you need to grow a set!

I'm not one for confrontation myself but it would be a very brave person to give my child food I have stated she cannot have, for medical reasons or not! The softly softly
approach isn't working. You need to give it to her both barrels. Then apologise afterwards for your meltdown and blame pregnancy hormones lol she clearly cares more about herself than your child's needs. Silly woman.

Regarding the holding on to your child etc you need to be very firm and assertive. Use the broken record approach. Repeat "DD is happy playing with her toys" and physically take your child from her. Rinse and repeat. Your DH needs to do the same. Then just change the subject and chat on.

A 1:1 chat would be best but it sounds like that mightn't go down too well with your MIL. She sounds a bit like my own MIL, a big child!!

Phew! Good to get that off my chest. I felt rage reading your OP. Some unresolved MIL boundary issues here too. It's a work in progress at the minute.

Do would focus on the really important stuff and let the rest go. Giving her food she mustn’t have is absolutely not on. Does she understand about the medical issues?

She understands the medical issue we have sent her info sheets on it as well as my dad and other relatives to may provide care to dd there's a chart showing which foods she can and can't have it also explains the condition in more detail so ignorance is not an excuse its about oneupmanship as she knows nobody else feeds dd the banned foods but because their always treat like items she thinks that will mean Dd will hover around her the entire visit. We do always say no when it comes to food but mil does it in a way where she shows dd the food one of us say no and boom we are the bad guys dd is too young to understand these foods make her ill.