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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find it strange?

14 replies

sallymoon93 · 19/12/2018 08:50

Hello! So basically sex is always on dp terms and he only ever really seems to want it when I'm hungover, tired or poorly.. this morning when he came home from work he woke me up and started putting the moves on even though I have terrible sinusitis so as you can imagine I was not in the mood for living my head off the pillow never mind sex! But I knew he wanted it, I said I didn't feel well enough to and he said it would probably make me feel better so to save him sulking and argument I did.

The thing is I have a much higher sex drive than he does and it's usually me that feels upset because he doesn't want it often, apart from when I'm not 100% .. what's that about? AIBU to think it's odd that he doesn't really ever want to have sex when I'm well and in the mood for it but when I'm at my worst he wants it?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/12/2018 08:55

I find it very concerning that you're having sex when you don't want it.

TinkerSpy · 19/12/2018 09:22

Don't have sex with your DH if you don't want to. It's not an obligation.

I think you need to open up communication and discuss it with him.

SylviaAndSydney · 19/12/2018 09:24

If he sulks because he doesn’t get sex he needs kicking up the arse.

Original poster
sallymoon93 · 19/12/2018 09:26

It was easier to just do it rather than say no and him sulk 😕 he then throws it back in my face when I want it.

OP posts:
TheWiseWomansFear · 19/12/2018 09:33

Wow, coerced sex...

If you can't have a conversation about this to sort it out and he sulks when you don't put out then this relationship has some massive issues.
'Giving in' when you don't want to will surely make you feel abused eventually?

Squatternutbosh123 · 19/12/2018 09:43

Hopefully he won't still have sex with you when you've said no. Please don't let him manipulate you into having sex...it's a slippery slope

Firesuit · 19/12/2018 09:50

I think the MN rule is only when you're both in the mood. But an equally fair rule (if you pretend everyone has the same appetite) is to say whenever either of your are. So next time he's not in the mood, tell him it's his job to get himself in the mood.

I don't think it is surprising a couple might each want sex when the other isn't interested. Even if they are lucky enough to have equal appetites, biorhythms or whatever could mean one is in the mood Monday, Wednesday and Friday and the other Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. In that case I think the sensible solution is sex six times a week...

Original poster
sallymoon93 · 19/12/2018 10:18

I should've said no but like I said it was easier to just do it. I just find it so bizarre that he chooses when I'm not well? Why on earth is that. We haven't done it for about 4 weeks and I've said many times that I've wanted to and he hasn't been interested so why after a night shift and when I'm full of snot!?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 19/12/2018 10:44

Because he wanted to show dominance. He only wants it when he knows you don't because if you give in he feels in control. If you don't give in he gets to sulk and thus also be in control. Win win for him no matter what you do.

How do you react when he sulks. Do you pander, apologise, feel responsible, try to prove your love? All this makes him feel in control.

If he has sex when you want to, he feels like you have the control. He equates who initiates sex and who 'gives in' as a control issue rather than a sexual issue.

Time to open your eyes and start spotting the other control tactics he uses.

My husband likes to be the one who initiates sex. However, when I say no, he says ok and makes me breakfast in bed. He never sulks and we laugh abput his need to be manly and be the initiater.

TheViceOfReason · 19/12/2018 10:57

Well, he sounds a treat.

I'm going to guess that this is the tip of the iceberg in terms of issues within your relationship - so the questions is OP - what are YOU going to do about it?

Original poster
sallymoon93 · 19/12/2018 11:09

Wow @Thingsdogetbetter I think you've absolutely hit the nail on the head there, I've always thought he was quite controlling but then I didn't know if it was just in my head or what. When I used to say no to sex and he sulked I would grovel back and he'd say how I obviously didn't love him whereas now I just don't say no cause it's easier. These replies have given me an awful lot to think about.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 19/12/2018 11:41

Wow I love a lightbulb moment. Grin

Remember there is no 'quite' controlling. Just controlling or not controlling. There is no sliding scale. Just different manipulations and tactics.

Balaboosteh · 19/12/2018 12:18

Well done OP you’ve got your head on track. Hope your situation improves.

Original poster
sallymoon93 · 19/12/2018 13:57

He's sulking with me now anyway for wanting him to take over child care duties whilst I have a hot bath so I should've just said no anyway! 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
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