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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be suspicious of this?

46 replies

Molliecoddles · 19/12/2018 05:27

Been with my current partner for a few months now (living separately) and they’ve recently told me their ex is coming to stay with them for a few days over Christmas to see the kids.
I know a few people would be a bit at that, but their ex lives hundreds of miles away and I have no reason to not trust them...until they said they couldn’t do “adult stuff” with me over the phone (sorry for the tmi but this is something we do ) as their ex would be in the next room and could overhear.
AIBU to suddenly feel very suspicious?
Also as not to drip feed, if the roles were reversed and I was the ex, I’d just put my headphones in or something...or is that just me?
Am I being taken for a mug? Is it possible they still have feelings for their ex? My head feels so messed up, I haven’t even gone to bed yet

OP posts:

kennelmaid · 19/12/2018 06:53

Surely the OP's concern is that it's their relationship that has to be hidden while the ex is staying? That would make me feel and mildly suspicious but think I'd shrug it off because the kids are the important ones here especially so early on in the relationship.

Boredboredboredboredbored · 19/12/2018 06:55

I'm sure you can go without phone sex for a few days.

BarbedBloom · 19/12/2018 06:55

People are getting too hung up on the phone sex thing here. If he has previously wanted to when guests are there and he brought it up without it being mentioned then I would be a bit suspicious. But surely if anything was going on, he wouldn’t be talking to you at all as she would be in with him?

Tartyflette · 19/12/2018 06:56

I have heard that it's common for ex-partners to shag each other occasionally.
No personal experience and it's probably anecdotal, but still....

strawberrisc · 19/12/2018 06:57

I’m going against the grain. I’d feel a bit uncomfortable about the ex staying. Maybe I watch too much Jeremy Kyle after work.

spanieleyes · 19/12/2018 07:03

Why? My ex always stays over when he visits ( he lives abroad) He's coming for New Year ( with my ex mother in law!) and I don't find it odd at all! We've been divorced for 20 years!

CaptainsYuleLog · 19/12/2018 07:04

He's probably aware of how ridiculous phone sex sounds to anyone not involved.

JudasPrudy · 19/12/2018 07:11

Well I think he actually sounds like a decent guy, I don't see the problem with him treating his ex and mother of his children with respect.

Having said that, I'd be wary of this stay. Emotions run high around Christmas and I presume they can't have split that long if the children are very young. I wouldn't say be suspicious but I would be on your guard.

cantfindname · 19/12/2018 07:18

Well, sorry to all the people who consider you to be unreasonable but I was in this position when I was married to my ex. He would go off every Christmas, Easter and in the summer to 'visit his kids' and would be 'staying with his sister' but I was only supposed to phone at pre-arranged times. This went on for years until I suddenly had some unexpected holiday time one summer and thought I would go and surprise him with a visit and we could holiday together..

His sister was very surprised when I knocked at her door and for a moment I thought 'wrong sister' and nearly went to see the other one. This entailed me driving past his ex's house and lo and behold, there was his car. I said nothing and booked in at a B&B locally. I had got a new car and he had not yet seen it so although a small area I was unrecognised. A few days of spying and the truth became obvious. He was still with his ex to all intents and purposes and it explained a lot of things to me such as where all his wages went and why he very rarely wanted sex.

So no, in my view YANBU. Your suspicions are valid but I hope for your sake you are wrong .

AnotherShirtRuined · 19/12/2018 07:20

I can understand not wanting to engage in phone sex with an ex on the premises. Doesn't have to mean cheating, though. Do you know if your partner has mentioned to his/her ex that he/she has a new partner? Could be that instead, possibly to avoid drama if the ex is the jealous type?

Also, have you asked your partner outright? Told him/her how it makes you feel? Might be worth it.

christmaspuddingyumyumyum · 19/12/2018 07:26

I'd be suspicious yes.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 07:32

Jesus, you can't be serious, phone sex is totally cringe for anyone listening in. If he's comfortable is kids are asleep and wouldn't understand anyway that's fine, but not many people would wish to have phone sex with an adult in the next room possibly hearing, it's as cringe as it gets.

I don't know why he had to tell you though, I'd have assumed it was a given he'd not wish to do it and you'd have asked if he was comfortable doing that with the ex there or even that you'd be uncomfortable knowing she could hear.

erykahb · 19/12/2018 07:55

I'm with Bluntness109, phone sex is so fucking cringe, he/she probably doesn't want their ex thinking they're weird

Ask them if they're shagging their ex then

Ffs that was so annoying writing 'they' instead of 'he' or 'she'

MaMaMaMySharona · 19/12/2018 08:41

Is no one taking into account the fact he probably had phone sex with his ex so she potentially wouldn’t find it that weird?

Regardless of the phone sex, I wouldn’t jump straight to thinking he’s cheating - probably just doesn’t want to potentially make things awkward when it’s already going to be awkward enough having her there. I think it’s nice he’s willing to invite her.

loubluee · 19/12/2018 08:49

My ex is here daily to see dc, he’s here when dp is here. He stays in my bed when he looks after dc and I stay over dp’s. However I would never dream of having phone sex with dp (we don’t for the record) if he was in the house. It would be way to weird!

brighteyeowl17 · 19/12/2018 10:01

Everyone criscising the phone sex bit but missing the point that he doesn’t want it to be heard by ex? Does she know your together. If not, are you being hidden?

RangeRider · 19/12/2018 10:11

Your conversation where you suggested he ring you if he couldn't sleep so you could 'keep him company' will be what prompted him to mention it! And maybe the friend who was there previously when he had phone sex made some comment because they heard and now DP realises how thoughtless it would be to do while ex is around.
Not everyone wants to shag their ex. And not everyone wants to hear 2 people having phone sex. Have a wank on your own and text him instead.

MyHomeworkAteMyDog · 19/12/2018 10:15

I think he’s being respectful to the mother of his children and YABU.

boringlyboring · 19/12/2018 10:41

Me: You can always call me if you can’t sleep, I don’t mind keeping you company.

He probably brought it up when you said this as he thought that’s what you meant.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 19/12/2018 10:57

I’m guessing OP is male, partner is female, and ex is male.

BeanTownNancy · 19/12/2018 11:19

OP asked if they should be suspicious, not for everyone's opinion on their sex life or their use of pronouns. (Personally I think it's better that people don't state the genders outright because it stops unintentional gender bias in the replies.)

My gut says he/she's just trying to avoid an awkward situation later. If they haven't given you reason to be suspicious before, this wouldn't tip me over the edge, personally. Maybe they felt more awkward about the "spontaneous" phone sex last time they had a visitor than you thought they did. Maybe they can pay you a visit instead now there's another parent to watch the kids?

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