Hosting family

[chardonm]

Looking for perspective here. When I host my family at my house, I provide all the food and pay for most of the meals out. This is a combination of being better off than my family (think more disposable income though many more obligations), and being happy that family visits and pays for tickets to come and visit. My husband and I decided to move away from family and we are grateful for visitors.

My dm now visits for long periods of time since she is retired. She lives in a different country and will come for 1 month or so. If anything is missing in the house that she primarily consumes (milk or fruit etc) she will go to the supermarket but now has taken to handing me receipts for reimbursement. We've never discussed this but I guess it's because it's for "the house". These are not usually large amounts. Maybe 10 or 20 pounds.

That said, i am feeling a bit under appreciated. I try and be generous, and buy goodies for when family visits, nicer than I would buy for myself (wine, chocolates, steak etc). It would be nice if from time to time someone offered to pay for something.

So Aibu to want to tell her not to stick me with receipts anymore?

When she comes over, does she do a lot of ‘invisible’ mum work? Like be around for kids after school, cooking, tidying up etc?

Does she bring gifts and treats over? I think providing mealsat home is hosting, but I also think its nice if a guest is staying for longer they offer together a takeaway or take YOU out for a meal as hosting is hard work no matter how much you appreciate the visit.

I think the receipts are cheeky of it is things she wants. Since when does a pint of milk and a few pieces of fruit cost 20 quid. Next time she hands over a receipt say 'Is this stuff YOU want, let's call it a household contribution shall we?' And hand the receipt back.

It can be 20 quid when she buys a specific wine she likes to drink or berries out of season...

No she doesn't do much invisible work. Sure if when staying for a month, she'll empty/fill the odd dishwasher but I'd say there is more work when she is here than when she is not (which is normal and I would expect as it's just one more person in the household)

What about when you go home to her? Does she expect you to lay on the shopping and meals out? If you truly feel that your being under appreciated then keep the visits shorter and less frequent. I don't think you really care about a few sundries being bought and reimbursed. I think you just really want is to know that your Mum's there to spend time with you, and not just so that she can reduce her yearly outgoings by spending time at yours and having a "financial jolly".

I agree with KC225 and hand the receipt back and say 'but this is stuff for you DM'

When we lived abroad and DPiL came to visit, DMiL would discretely pass DH the housekeeping they were saving by staying with us. This was never something we had suggested but DPiL were experienced houseguests and recognised the extra cost that another pair of adults brought.

I tend to disagree with the guest buying takeaways or paying for meals out as their 'contribution'. If the guest is staying for an extended period regularly these things dont really help with the extra cost of having another adult in the house. A takeaway you dont really want or a meal out in the week (getting DCs ready, dressing up, making a reservation etc) can end up just as more disruption for the host.

We host quite a lot, friends and family, and like you my natural instinct is to pay for everything and buy goodies. The difference is that pretty much everyone who comes to visit contributes - they buy a supermarket shop, leave us something for bills (if th

Do you share the wine or is it just for her? If it's just with her then I think the phrase given above works really well "but this is stuff for you". If you have a glass of wine too just say something like " tell you what why don't you get the wine as I got all the ingredients for dinner / paid in the restaurant etc"

She's being unreasonable OP.

I would have a word, expecting you to pay £20 for wine and berries that she wahts is not on. Have w word about the milk and essentials too.

Do you actually want her to stay that long? I would curtail her visits. Isn't is annoying for your husband as well?

I would do online shopping so you are always stocked with essentials. Buy a box of cheap wine - tell her that your grocery costs were getting so high that you've had to cut back. Make sure she has everything she needs but if she wants delicacies then say that all shopping goes through the online shop but she can buy herself anything else she wants.

YANBU. I think your DM should be paying for her own expensive extras.

I agree with a previous poster, when you Mum next visits tell her that you are fully stocked but she is welcome to buy her own extras.

Yanbu. Nothing much to say in defence of your Mum really. If you’re buying all the food and also the odd meal out she shouldn’t mind getting milk or other random small bits when they run out...
she’s not penniless nor are you her financial sponsor!

she will go to the supermarket but now has taken to handing me receipts for reimbursement

I can't believe she does this. YANBU. can you have a word and explain it's not fair?

When my PILs visit we usually stock the house with booze ( as they love a beverage)

on their last 10 day visit, we bought a box of 24 cans of this beer FIL likes.. this was GONE by day 4. He was the only one drinking it and he and Dh had drunk at least a bottle of red every night at dinner and half a bottle of whiskey ( whiskey over 4 days) .

When FIL realised the beer was gone.. he said “oh I guess we ran out, someone should get more”.... on their first few visits I used to say “yes we should! “ and run out and do it like a numpty..and kick myself after..
this time I shrugged and said ok yes I guess someone should.. then left it.

Felt a whole lot better after. Sometimes you just have to tell people when they are taking stuff for granted... otherwise they will never stop and you’ll just be more and more annoyed

Couldn't imagine my mum doing that. If your mum is low on funds maybe you should have a house kitty for things like bread/milk etc ?

My mum would never dream of expecting me to pay for everything! She would buy groceries and help out cleaning.

Next time she suggests visiting. Tell her it’s costing you too much to House her for a full month

The thought of having anyone stay for a month makes me feel sick tbh.

Expecting you to pay for everything is crazy. Hand the receipts straight back.

Thanks for your responses!

Thing is I actually do want her to visit. I don't want to have a massive argument or anything. But I do feel a little taken for granted.