AIBU to tell my mum if she wants to visit on Xmas or see the kids she is to come alone or not at all

[sproutsinmystocking]

I don't want to be a twat and I do want to get along with everybody and things be good long term but I'm having major anxiety about Christmas.

My dads always been difficult at the best of times but the last few years have been hard to put up with. He has angry outbursts, he doesn't make an effort with anybody, I have stressed to my mum on a few occasions in the past when he has been downright rude and nasty to me that I'm close to cutting contact with him and she said she understood.

At the best of times he is a patronising know it all who will shout over you that he knows best in every possible situation, otherwise I'm lucky if he speaks to me at all. We cut down visiting them to every few months as he makes us feel so awful when we go (they live about 3 minutes away).

She makes an effort with the kids and I feel bad for her but he is rude and intolerable. Have read through my txts and WhatsApp's from the last year. I have sent him loads of pictures of the kids and never had a reply back or a hello how are you but he will forward me vile racist "jokes" and inappropriate content that makes me feel so uneasy. I've mentioned this so many times and he has never stopped. It makes me so anxious. I fell out with him a month ago, well I disagreed with him and he was screaming and shouting at me and I txt him afterwards and have never had a reply. I txt him that I was upset he had not even bothered to reply and that I didn't feel like I had a relationship with him anymore. He read and didn't reply.
He's not been in touch in a month to make any effort for a relationship. He spends each and every weekend (without fail) in the pub with his mates and will promise my son he will turn up to rugby to watch him play (at his own rugby club) and will then let my son down to go to the pub. I don't want somebody in my house on Christmas Day who has made no effort with us the rest of the year and can't even manage a hello and it's making me feel so sad but I also don't want to upset my mum.
AIBU for thinking that's his problem and not mine though and that you don't make your kids feel awful about themselves and get to show up at their house on Christmas after ignoring them for months on end.
No plans set in stone so not like we are hosting dinner this year (he ruined that last year) but it's making me so anxious I feel like saying to them actually don't pop in on Christmas Day we will make plans with you between Christmas and new year but just to see you without dad.
Am I being a dickhead?

No you are not being a dickhead. Your Dad is.
Stick to your guns.

Nope I’m with you. There are consequences for acting badly and being family does not alter that. Stick to your guns.

sounds like my FIL. i am dreading spending time at my inlaws for that reason.

I think ou need to think about your mum's well being, She she has to live with him- no doubt he bullies her horribly.You have your dh and your kids- who has she got besides him?

But no one has to live with anyone pop
If the op’s mum chooses to stay with her husband that doesn’t mean that he gets to mistreat his daughter and her family.

If your mum enables, excuses or allows his behaviour, then, I'm sorry, she is just as responsible as he is. She is an adult.

I would not have this man around my children. If it means she misses out, so be it.

I don’t know..

Never mind Christmas, I'd be cutting him off permanently. Why not start now?

My Dad can be very difficult and has some major issues stemming from childhood. Therefore I keep him at arms length. If he was as bad as you describe, I'd never see him again.

Sounds like you need the Stately Homes thread! Your dad sounds horrible, and you need to protect your son from being constantly let down by a close family member. I'm fine with accomodating awkward/strange/boring family at Christmas, but it's not fair to your son to have his Christmas ruined by someone who is actually abusive. Your mum might even welcome a rest away from him, and you can make sure she knows that you are always there for her.

No. You are not. He is an abuser. He is abusing your DM, he has you and your DC. No need to allow it to continue. Your DM can make her mind up. It may be you breaking free will help her see what is going on.

Nope I'd go completely no contact with him and tell your mum you'll only be seeing her. Christmas is a great time to spend with family, but not an obligation to spend time with abusive family.

My mum had this exact same conversation with my gran over my granda and his drinking. My gran decided that if she wasn't welcome then neither was she.

My mum stuck to her guns. We were fine.

Do what you need to do OP.

No, you aren't a dick head. You don't need someone like that in your life. Tell them not to come at Christmas and make plans to meet up somewhere with your mum after. If he is out every weekend, can't you take the kids to see your mum then? In other words, just schedule visits carefully while he's busy and he won't even know he's purposefully being left out, saving you the confrontation and ever having to see him.

Why would you send your daughter inappropriate content? That's just sick tbh. Block him and if he asks why, tell him again you don't like what he sends and since he doesn't care enough to respond to your messages anyway, you thought it wouldn't matter or be a big deal.

You don't have to put up with this crap, you didn't choose him like your mum did, so just ignore him, chin up and have an amazing Christmas with the family you did choose and who don't make you feel bad.

So I posted this and I've come back to update as I've tried my best but I'm left feeling a bit miffed as to what to do going forward.

I sent this message to my dad I think on the 20th dec

Christmas is coming this week, which obviously we all want to enjoy. We have decided that as a family we would rather that you did not come if mum/brother/sil are visiting. We just want to enjoy our time together without feeling the way we have over the last year or so. Obviously if you wish to make the effort at any point after Christmas that is up to you, but please don't turn up on the day after not doing so all year and making it stressful for us as we deserve a happy family day as much as you do. Hope you have a lovely time and you realise that the little girl who used to wait up for you getting home from work at 10pm to see you still just wants to talk to her dad, but that it's very difficult when the effort doesn't go both ways. Have a gorgeous Christmas x

He hasn't replied since, he hasn't txt, called or visited. Not once in the last 3 weeks.

I have however had a lot of messages from my mum. I've had lots of angry messages saying it's all my fault and calling me a liar, blaming me for kicking off. She didn't visit at Christmas either.
I have had in between a handful of random messages asking if the kids can go there for a sleepover.

Now for context, although they live only minutes away they never visit us. We take the kids to see them but it's been less and less recently. They have stayed overnight in the past but very occasionally. Not any more often than once every few months and even then just one night.

I've replied nicely at first and explained that she could come and visit them if she liked but that I still hadn't had a reply from my dad. To which she replied she was sure she would get in touch soon and sort things out.

He hasn't, she hasn't visited the kids once. She drives and has no mobility problems, she is minutes away. I've then had more angry messages blaming me and then today again another can we have the kids at ours.

Aibu saying they know where we live if they want to visit but I'm not packing my kids off there like packed lunches when he can't even get in touch in months and try and fix things. I feel mean but at the same time if I send them then the kids will feel as fragile as I do coming away from their house and on top of that they will just carry on treating us like this with no intention of ever speaking to us again.

It doesn't sound to me like your dad makes any effort at all. Your mum does though. I'd invite her to come over, rather than respond to her requests for you to go over there. I'd say 'Mum, we'd love you to come over for tea and cake next Thursday afternoon.' It's a formal invitation, a special effort, you're not involving your Dad.

She may respond to the more formal invitation, and she can't also then say you don't make an effort.

I wouldn't go over there any time soon, to be treated so badly by your dad.

Wow you've really kept your head op. I think you're doing everything right, it would be a terrible idea to send the kids off to that house. I would make it clear to your mum she's always welcome at yours to see the kids - why not suggest a time at the weekend (when your dad will be at the pub anyway). I do think you need to stand your ground, you've been more than reasonable.

Well she's being stubborn isn't she! And he's just not interested at all.

It's a really hard time for you, with your baby due.

Such a shame. I think the best thing now is to start protecting yourself and trying not to care. And that means lc / nc. Let your DH deal with them when the baby comes. Most important is that you take the stress off yourself.

If they don’t want to see you, just the kids, that would be a hard no for me.

That's certainly how it feels @eddielizzard. I invited her over on Christmas Day when my brother was coming and she declined. And then last week when she messaged I invited her over on Saturday afternoon, my dad is always at the pub with friends on a Saturday afternoon so I made the point that it would be no different to me going there at the same time as he's not usually in, but she seems insistant that's she isn't coming out of stubbornness without him, and he won't respond or reply or make any effort to communicate in any way so I feel I'm just stuck in limbo and I'm upset they aren't trying for their grandchildren.
I have another due in 10 weeks and I was trying to make things less stressful for myself ahead of time so I wouldn't be in a toxic environment giving birth, now I'm just so stressed with it all.

@LEDadjacent that's my gut feeling too, I'm not going to lie it does hurt as I haven't done anything wrong. Neither of them are really interested parents, I've been making all of the effort visiting them for years and they make little effort with us, they don't even know me. They are 53 so not even elderly. Everything seems to be turned around on me and manipulated or guilt tripped and I was coming away from their house so fragile. I'm stressed with the situation but the most relaxed I've been for a long time not seeing them. I'm not stopping them visiting but not participating in the circus act myself anymore I just want to put myself and my family first. I guess you don't realise how toxic something is until you're out of it though.

Is it possible that the horrible messages are actually written by your dad and he’s got hold of your mum’s phone?

@Rainbowshine no it's definitely my mum. She's usually ok but she's not very maternal or emotional in any way and very defensive, wouldn't ever back down or apologise and admit she was wrong. She doesn't crack a smile very often.

She's admitted in the past he is ruining his relationships with everybody and that if people couldn't deal with him anymore she wouldn't be standing by him, but that's obviously all forgotten now.

I don't understand it. All I want is for him to txt or knock on the door, ask what the problem is or why we feel like this and say he will make an effort for it to be better but seeing as he won't even send a message it's looking more like nc or lc is the only way to go.

You are handling things really well OP. Continue to be strong and do what your are doing.

Send a msg to your mum telling her your children will not be coming to or staying at her house. If she wants to see them she can come to yours and the blaming msgs need to stop.

Good Luck, hope things get better for you

I received another message from my mum at 4.30 this morning saying I was "fucking killing them". That I was to explain to my kids why they wouldn't be seeing them and that I had insinuated that they weren't fit to see the kids without me present".
It just keeps escalating, I get a few days of peace and then another barrage of messages whilst he's sent nothing but created the whole situation.

I've sent one back later on this morning asking her to leave me alone and stop sending blaming messages, that she is making it worse and that they are more than welcome to visit their grandchildren whenever. I just want it to end now.

Block them both. Send a final message saying you will not tolerate being abused/ranted at and blamed, that your mother is welcome to organise a visit to your house to see the children (perhaps sent via your brother). State bluntly that your father is not included in the invitation, as the whole situation is entirely a result of his behaviour, and that you will not accept being blamed for his failings any more. Then block and try to move on regardless of what your mother decided to do.