It’s all a bloody mess :(

[PooleySpooley]

DD moves in with gf a while ago. Never liked her but they have now split up and DD is devastated. She has moved into DS1 spare room who moved in with his gf 2 months ago taking an expensive flat on a two year lease. I gave them money and a lot of stuff to start them off as did other family and her family.

His gf out of the blue has decided this isn’t what she wants and she’s leaving (this is nothing to do with DD being there). DS1 is devastated. Has asked to come home but I have said him and DD should stay in the flat and give fending for themselves a go rather than coming back here to pay tiny rent and have huge disposable income ( he is particular was also messy, didn’t pull his weight and had his own bathroom which was grim - this room has been decorated and so don’t him back in it unless I really have to tbh).

DS2 college phone me today, they are worried about his mental health, he’s been having counselling, he’s socially isolated (he always has been a bit as he is borderline Aspergers) and they have written to his gp. This is all news to me. I chat to him and we try to figure out some solutions to how he is feeling he says he has already been to the GP but they wouldn’t give him medication without me.

We agree to go back next week as ask for a CAMHS referral etc.

I am absolutely dreading Xmas three unhappy children and my DH who none of them really like who is on medication for anxiety.

How do I split myself 4 ways (well 3) and try to make it a happy day for them and not thouroughly depressing.

That sounds like a plateful and then some.

I'm sorry I can't offer practical advice - I do empathise with the "splitting yourself multiple ways" thing though!

Thank you - I’ll take the gin

Sounds tricky. If you haven't already bought it, I would be tempted to sod all the complicated food, to try and free up some 'head space'

I think your solution of DD and DS1 sharing the flat is a sensible one - they can afford it, they can support each other as they both go through break ups (sad that this has happened -but again sadly quite common that people split at this time of year)

I think your focus should be on your younger son - it sounds as if he needs you more at the moment, - does he live at home ?

That's the slightly longer term picture though - as for splitting yourself four ways on Christmas day, I would just try to keep things as unpressured as possible - it isn't compulsory for people to be happy on Christmas day if they are having tough times, it is only a day like any other, and I'd just keep everything as laid back as possible.

People can stay in bed until they feel like getting up, agree a time for swapping gifts, and eating together, Maybe try and get each child in turn to join in tasks (food prep, washing up etc) to give you a chance to have a one to one chat with each. Your DH can do some of the other stuff so you get a chance to sit down and have a break. Watch a bit of crap telly together, limit alcohol so nobody gets too maudlin and just try to keep things on an even keel rather than going all out for 'jollity and festive cheer'

You take the flat op, let them have run of the house

I have considered going away on holiday - alone!!

Thank you KurriKurri.

Why don’t they like your DH? Is he their dad?

Sorry it’s so tough - I agree about the older two sharing.

Have a super easy Christmas - like, could you just do it like a nice roast, mo pressure and stay in PJs all day?

I have 2 DDs, one has mental health issues doesn't attend school and is on medication so this year we have a tree and food and some presents and that's about it, they also can't stand their Dad (neither can I) but I will just do as little as possible and get through it. There'll be another one along next year!

We’ll surely they can’t get out of the lease for the flat without paying 2 years rent anyway.
Think it would be better they carry on in the flat as they are even if that is not the case.
DS2 needs you now.

Make it as easy as you can for yourselves. Dont worry about it being perfect, just have a quiet relaxed day if you can

Is ds's flat 2 bed? The perfect solution, Imo. I think they need to be told, not asked, to do this.

Another PP has got a point - could they get out of a two year lease or would they have to pay the two years off? I know some landlords allow you to break the contract if you find replacement tenants at your own cost and time.

Keep things simple and unstructured as KurriKurri says. Sod tradition. And get them to pick up some of the mental load! They've split up with people, it's not the end of the world. Plenty of slobbing out, TV, snacking, and keeping it simple IMHO

People split up, it's not the end of the world. They're with their sibling, they have a roof, they have each other.

I see a lot of this 'OMG devastated must run home to mummy' on MN, and it's nonsense.

Let them be sad and toughen up a bit. Resilience is useful.

PS - I also have ASD and one of the biggest favours my mother did for me was making me go my own way, when it would have been easier for me (and her) to slink back home.

It must have been hard, but I admire her for that.

Perhaps use Christmas as a substitute for the normal "ice-cream-in-front-of-the-TV" after a break up. A bit of comfort, cuddles, niceness and food. It sounds like everyone is in need of it. I agree with the other posters to keep it easy and less stressful. Do a buffet if that works better than a formal meal, go for a walk, play poker or just stick a bond movie on TV. Everyone gets to start again in the New Year.

Give them the home comforts with Xmas at home with the reality of flat sharing in the new year is growing up