What happens to your child(ren) if you die?

[HoneyDoo]

Do you ever have the feeling of dread that if something happened to you resulting in your death, what would happen to your child(ren)?

Those of us that don't have trusted family members or friends that would step in.

Those of us that can't rely on the father(s) of your children to raise them.

Those of us that have no financial stability and so would not be able to leave anything for their upbringing?

Those of us that don't have a Will?

Just any of us for any reason, do you ever think about it?

I figured we could do with a lovely thread about death, what with Christmas around the corner. 😂

DS would go to his father but my DDs are also named as his guardians as they are over 18 and would therefore have a say in financial matters (with the money from the sale of my house for example) and education etc. He'd be bottom of the pecking order unfortunately as his father has remarried and had more children who can, seemingly, do no wrong.

Sadly her dad has PR.She would probably have to go to him,the problem being he would not help her with grieving(not a great communicator and his family were the same)and she will turn it all inwards.She has anxiety and sensory processing issues but he won't talk with her about that as he doesn't like to upset her and he wouldn't think to hug her either.
If he goes first and then me then my sister and her partner will look after her(agreed with ex and written into our wills),they will have control over any money from me until she is 24anyway.She would prefer to be there anyway(they live in a city not remote Wales like her dad)and they know how to help her.I am not planning to die before she is 18(when my sister will step in)so 3 years to go.!
I am luck with family and she will have money to help her so itust be worrying for those without.

How do you make a will if there's nobody who would have your children? What would you put?

We have been thinking about this, we can't afford life insurance (no its not a couple of pounds a month) so we are going to start putting what we can away.

The one person I would like to raise DS doesn't want to, which is fair enough. Leaving me, with a couple of other options, neither of which I like, so we are going to have to get creative

It’s so important to have a clear plan as you just don’t know what’s going to happen. A boy we know just become orphaned at 8 after his Dad was killed in an accident, 6 months after his Mum died of cancer. Life is so incredibly unfair sometimes.

@abacucat This is a problem, isn't it? I know that if you have certain mental health issues it sometimes negates a payout, too. It's easy for me to say because I'm relatively healthy - I can't imagine how much more anxiety-inducing it would be if I hadn't been able to take control of my fear in quite the way I have.

sobey yes it can be. I just got a quote on money supermarket for £10,000 of cover and it is £2.27 a month.

@fafoutis is there someone who couldn’t take you child but might steer the ship?

Our plan (when baby is born) is to ask a family member to make the choice at the time. Obviously we won’t be able to predict who would be best placed to take our child at any given point in the next 18 years so we are instead asking that one trusted person to assess the options (two sets of grandparents, two sets of siblings, possibly a close friend, or a boarding school) and make the best choice at the time. That way we aren’t leaving baby with grandparents who might not cope, or a family member who may have emigrated by then, and we don’t have to constantly update the paperwork.

We made a will, we asked my childhood friend and her husband and after talking it through they agreed to take on our DC if we both died. We also took a life insurance for both of us. All of this has made my anxiety over this issue decrease significantly and I can finally have some peace of mind.

My dc dad is already dead and it does frighten me but I have a relative he can go to.
Financially wise he’s already going to be ok.

Definitely take out a life insurance policy and get a will drawn up!! It takes about an hour to both all in all!! My children will go to my parents for the foreseeable they are only in their 50’s and I will re assess the will every 3-4 years to cover an changes needed. As for money they will inherit our estate which includes properties, investments and life insurance policies. These would all be put into trust until they are 23.

DP and I have decent but hopeless parents and fairly dissolute siblings. We specified that our DCs were to go to our friends (they are in a similar position so the arrangement was reciprocal).

However I was very relieved when our eldest turned 18 and was willing and able to become the backup. Not that it would be a walk in the park for him. In our early 20s DH and I became frnds with a similarly aged neighbour who was looking after younger siblings after their parents death in a car crash. It had impacted on his uni choices and career options (he stayed local) and also his social life and relationships. Even to my slatterny eyes the house was pretty run down and dirty and the kids unkempt. Everyone was happy and healthy though and I'm sure it was a much better option than them going into care.

The life insurance comments always annoy me. DP has a genetic illness that may reduce his life expectancy. No one would ever insure him for that. Christ no holiday travel insurers will even include it for a 2 week holiday, it is always excluded.
Life insurance is for fit healthy people., For everyone else it is either unavailable or very expensive.

abacucat I'm so sorry to hear that but couldn't you get insurance on your life?

im a
lone parent so
mine would go into care. sad but true.

If there are no family members who could take on your children if you died without making any other arrangements, then they would be taken into care. Depending on their age and any disabilities this might eventually lead to them being adopted, or they might stay in foster or residential care. If you're able to set up some sort of trust or savings fund for them, then at least they'll have that to help them get started in life when they leave care at 18.

Some people don’t have anyone though.
Nearly 20 years ago, something similar happened to my cousin. One of my aunt took her on. I know my parents considered it but decided they couldn’t look after a teenager/child for another 10 years or so.
So I don’t expect them to be able to look after my own dcs now (they have some heath issues now too).
PIL are nit in good heath at all.
I’m an only child. H has one sister that he doesn’t get in with and is already struggling with te dcs she has.

So yes if someth8ng was to happen to both me and H, I have no idea who could look after them :( will or not.

This thought literally terrifies me. My DS would end up in care I think.

It breaks my heart

I know it’s a horrible and depressing conversation but I’m glad you brought this up.
My bro and SIL, currrntly with no children agreed to have our eldest if anything ever happened to me and husband. Since that conversation we’ve had another child and a third due in March, I think we might need to have that conversation again.
We have a will, life insurance to pay off mortgage etc etc. Not sure what else I can do.

Currently doing our wills at the moment. We both have brothers but don't know who to choose as there are benefits and drawbacks to all.

I'm really worried about this too, if we both die, DS is pretty screwed.
He will have a bit of money but it won't last that long.
Mainly, I worry he'll have no one to care for him, my parents are well into their 70's already and couldn't cope with a toddler.
MIL is even older and an evil bitch, poor DS would be better off in care than with her!

We've considered naming a couple if friends in our will but they have their own children and wouldn't really want a traumatised orphan thrust upon them, I'm not sure many people would, it's a massive commitment.

My DH and I did our will through the British Legion a few months ago.
If we both die, our kids go to my parents.
If my parents are no longer around, then our kids will go to my sister.
We also wrote out detailed healthcare directives too, as I’ve got a huge fear of being kept alive with machines and ventilators. I’ve made it clear to just unplug me at the first sign of me not making a recovery.

Mine would go live with their father full time. He has them regularly anyway and we don't live near other family. Any other arrangement would mean massive upheaval, change of cities, schools and they have a half sister at their Dad's that they wouldn't want to be separated from full time.

My family hate my ex (with good reason, tbf). My mother has said before 'If anything ever happened to you, we'd never see our grandkids, would we?'. My ex did used to isolate us from my family so it worries me too, despite him assuring me that he'd always encourage contact with them. I really should put my wishes in writing but not sure a court would enforce them.

Well assuming that both DH and I die together, I think he has named a DSibling as guardian in his will....I drafted something a few years ago pre-DD and never actually signed that, nor updated the vague instructions.

I would hope that, as we have put away money over the years, they would use that to continue to pay the exhorbitant school fees that we pay, as the school was very very carefully chosen to suit DD's NEEDS (small classes, lots of sport, lots of non-academic supports, great ethos, whole-child development, good academic records too, hot dinners at lunchtime (not common here but something that we wanted for DD), very supportive environment overall....). Even if it does cost a fortune. There should even be enough that she could board there if necessary.

What I would fear is that there will be massive rows.

Someone will make a decision to take over, and have DD live with them. 2.5 hours away from her current home, friends, school, clubs etc.

Someone will put DD into the school that all the girls in my and DH's family attended locally to them - which would be a disaster.

They will end up getting no support for her SENs, and not understanding all we have done/still do, and why - and DD will go off the rails between grief, anxiety, SENs, anger and everything else.

Shit, I really should get a plan put in place, even if it is only detailing on paper what should happen and why, so that there are instructions to follow.

We have named guardians who are close family friends, have no children of their own and have agreed to take on the role. We have a life insurance policy in place which provides a monthly sum for their care and the house would go to them as the mortgage would have been paid off by the insurance as well and we have talked about the situation with our families so everyone knows the score.

Think and take advice before taking out life insurance, who will benefit? If your child it will be in trust for them so they will not benefit until older.
If you have anyone who you want to be your child's guardian do make a will, otherwise family and maybe friends could have a dispute or be approached by social services, or your child will go to a foster home, may even be adopted. They won't go in a children's home or be on the street. Hope it never comes to that, but it's safer to have a plan.