AIBU about FIL

[AIBUnamechanger]

My FIL is a mysogintist who is very bitter about being divorced (almost 30 years ago now). He is consistently rude to me, makes sweeping statements denigrating women in my presence, and is generally unpleasant to be around. DH does not dispute this, but maintains that he needs to see him because "he is my Dad" and that the children shoud see him because "he is their Grandad". I have conceeded this point, so long as I can explain that we don't agree with Granda's views. So far, so good, although DH would prefer me not to explain that he and I don't agree with Grandad.

FIL is from out of town, but he's here this week. There's loads of school plays, carols etc on. I offered DH that he could have my ticket for the kids carols to take his Dad (it's probably the only time he'll be in town to do this while the kids are at primary), and we are limited to two tickets per family.

Initially DH said yes, but then said he wouldn't bother because it's too akward that I won't invite FIL over afterwards and host him, FIL and my BIL (x2) for dinner too. I pointed out that he was originally planning to take FIL out in town with his brothers, and that coming to our house is never on offer for FIL.

DH thinks I'm being too awkward, and that I am stpooing him and the kids from seeing his Dad. I think that I have offered to give up my space at the carols for FIL (even though I despise him) so that DH and FIL can have a nice time and the kids can see their Grandad in a safe environment, and I don't have to be there.

DH is maintaining that he doesn't have to thank me for the offer, that it's going to be too akward if FIL wants to come over and he has to say no. He thinks it's better to just exclude FIL, and then be passive -agressive to me because I don't invite FIL over so it's my fault that DH never sees him.

My question is, AIBU? Should I just give up trying to find ways for the kids to see FIL and if DH wants them to see him he can arrange it himself?

Also, AIBU to exepect DH to challenge his father being rude to/about me, and the general misogeny?

I think this is difficult. On the face of it, your husband has just as much right to decide who comes to your house as you have but it's not your job to act as gracious hostess to someone you don't like.

It's also not your job to provide suggestions on how contact might best be maintained, if that's what your husband want to do: that's up to him. Although I can see that a carol service might provide a chance for grandfather to see his grandchildren while limiting interaction and chances for 'contamination'. But, it's still not your business to manage that contact.

But essentially, if I were you (and I kind of have been although with a different in-law), I would just keep out of anything to do with that relationship, and focus on making sure my children know that misogyny is bollocks, but with no particular reference to their grandfather.

Actually it sounds to me like your H doesn’t want to spend time with his father either but doesn’t want to be held responsible for it so is blaming you.

And actually I don’t think your dh has as much right as you to have someone in your home who is nasty to you directly. No more than you would have the right to insist on having someone in your house who was being constantly nasty to your husband.

Your fil sounds like a bitter old bully who’s family is tiptoeing around.

Would it be possible for you to go to friends or family and tell your husband to have his father over? You don’t have to be there.
Bet he’ll come up with another excuse as to why you’re so awful for not being there.

Your Dh agrees with you that his father is mysoginist yet doesn't want you explaing to the kids that grandad has different views to you both. How does he think your kids can process the right and wrong of grandads views by themselves? If he's such a prick I'd personally be limiting the kids time with him. When you're not there you don't know what the kids are hearing. I'd be annoyed at your Dh for not standing up for you when your fil makes negative comments. If I were you I would call him out on every negative comment he makes and make sure the kids hear you. You made a generous offer to miss your kids play and your Dh has declined so leave it at that. Go and enjoy it.

Perhaps allow DH to bring them back for a meal (is he offering to cook it?) and be out yourself (or hiding upstairs). Or, if you are feeling brave, be there and the very first time he insults you you excuse yourself and leave the room permanently.

Difficult one for your DH but YANBU.

Maybe you could have an appointment for yourself in a nice coffee shop and allow dh to host his awful df?

Why does it come down to you having to host someone who is rude and insulting to you? DH is completely capable (unless there is a massive drip feed coming) of organising a get together with his DF & DB. Perhaps if you want to, this time, meet up with a friend for drinks and leave the house empty (and let DH shop & plan for food).
In your shoes, I'd keep my ticket and let DH go meet his DF and tell him that he either apologies and starts treating you with respect, cutting down on the hate speech in front of you and the DC if he'd like to visit. DC shouldn't be exposed to hate speech, even if it is from a relative. It's not in their best interest.

He’s from out of town and hardly around

In that scenario I’d suck it up for the sake of my DH. I wouldn’t be doing it for FIL. I’d be doing it for my DH. Have him around after the service. Coffee and mince pie. And then on his way

The thing you have to think about is the kids - and what you want them growing up like. It is your DH's problem to sort his dad - I'd leave him to it.

The kids however I would be more cautious over. If FIL is spouting that crap to them - you do not say whether you have boys / girls /both - you need to ensure that they know it is wrong. What if he starts on your daughters - does the impact on them not matter? What if your sons grow up to copy it all - especially if Dad is seen to think it is fine. If DH wont correct him infront of them at the time is it right that they should spend time with him? Is your DH basically only supporting you behind his dads back to keep you quiet?

Your home is your 'safe space'. The only way I would allow FIL into your home is if it is agreed that you AND your DH will challenge each and every remark as it occurs, and that if it continues he is thrown out.

I wouldn't allow disrespectful behaviour or language in our home, regardless of who was the perpetrator of it and you don't have to either.

What he thinks in his own head and says in his own company is his business, but in your home, he's a guest and needs to recognise that privilege. I'm with you here, 100%.

I've actually had to have a stern word with my PIL ahead of our daughter being born. They are bigoted and I've made it clear that if I hear one racist or homophobic or sexist comment in my house, they will not be invited over ever again. I'm lucky though, as DH agreed and said that his daughter will absolutely not be exposed to that.

I would tell your husband that he can of course invite his family over, just let you know when they are coming so that you can be out.
He invites, he does all the work.

coming to our house is never on offer for FIL.

I would feel uncomfortable if my OH made “rules” like that. It’s his house too.

I can see why you don’t want to spend time with your FIL, but can’t you just go out on the odd occasion that he comes over.

From what you write...Your husband is being really weird
Does he not like his Father either?
Why is he avoiding spending time with him?

I'd reiterate the offer and tell them he is welcome to bring them round and host the BILs too.
Then ask what he is cooking for them because you'll be out having xmas drinks/haircut whatever.... and you hope they have a great time.

Trying not to drip feed, sorry.

I don't think DH likes his Dad at all, but will not accept that we don't see FIL because DH does nothing to arrange it. DH likes to blame it on me, saying that I make it too difficult with my insistance that I can challenge misogeny.

On the house thing, it stems from a couple to point - FIL is rude about the house and the way I keep it (very tidy, apparently), and it's also my house (technically not DH's and mine, although he does live there). And I should have said that it's not on offer until FIL apologises for some particularly offensive comments, and agrees to keep his unacceptable views to himself.

I have DC of both genders, and they are still primary school age. One has additional needs and is vulnerable. I don't think they should hear what FIL says, and I do worry particularly about our DDs being on the receiving end of his views.

Thanks for the advice, and I think it's time for me to bow out and if DH really does want to see his Dad he can manage it from now on.