Ex taking me to court

[Amazona24]

Please bear with me this might be long but I need advice?
I've been split from ex for 2 years. When we split I moved into a refuge with our DS. Who is 2.5 years now. He was emotionally/mentally and financially abusive. My old self is finally starting to come back but it's been a tough 2 years. Any way for 2 years we have had a care arrangement between us. He asked for the days and I agreed. These are: week 1- Tuesday night Friday night and the weekend not including Sunday night.
Week 2 - Tuesday night and Thursday night.
He has asked to take him on holiday next year I've agreed no issues. He is also going on holiday alone and I've been ok with having our DS the days he should of had him that week. We are civil or have been. Last night how ever he has demanded 1 more night. And I've said no. Reasons being I want our son to have structure and routine and not to be passed around anymore. He will be going to school in a few years too and I want him to have a stable home life. I believe his dad has him enough and I also have concerns of him trying to turn our son against me. He is very malnipulitive. Everything is a competition he buys our son so many presents and has no house rules. He lets him have treats and junk food all the time. Just so he doesn't have to say no and look like the best parent.
So because I've said no he is now saying he is going the legal route. And he will win joint custody. He also said he is going to csa to see what the bare minimum is to give me. So trying to bully me into giving In.
What do you think I should do? I'm worried if he does lose that he will then go on to make my life hell. Not sure what he will do tbh.

Can you afford to see a solicitor?

I’d tell him to take you to court personally - he’s still trying to control you and you can’t allow it.

Let him take you to court. Take all your evidence with you of why you and the baby ended up in a refuge, and how he is still trying to bully and control you through your son. Keep all texts/emails, insist on all contact through text and email, don't talk to him on the phone as theres no proof.

I think if it goes to court that could be a positive thing for you and your DS. It will mean you end up with a set arrangement, that is hopefully made with the best interests of your DS in mind. It will make it much more difficult for your ex to change the goal posts and try to control you. I'd be surprised if he did go through with it though. It sounds likely he is just trying to scare you into doing what he wants.

I think he is threatening me too but it's stressing me out. He thinks this is about money too and how much he pays me. When it's not, I told him to reduce my money the outcome with still be the same from me.
I can't afford a solicitor. Would citizens advice help?

He is also part of a big group for father's rights. Although I don't know why as I've never stopped him in the 2 years apart from now saying no to 1 night. So God knows what they are saying to him

Speak to s solicitor, you may qualify for some legal aid with it being a domestic abuse issue, also depending on any benefits, savings you have.
Give women's aid a ring, they will have a list of solicitors you can contact.
Good luck

Definitely seek legal advice. Dig out any and all evidence of abuse, write a timeline using any evidence you have. Talk to local aid organisation for victims of abuse - they may be able to direct you to solicitors who will give some legal advice without a huge bill. Do you work and if so, can you join a union (they often have legal advice included in union dues). Work out what you want and how you want it to work once school starts.

I'd get legal advice, and your schedule looks like pretty standard access to me, he won't necessarily get any increase.

Let him take you to court.

Save every. single. message.

Get legal advice- a woman’s aid group might be able to set you on the right path? (Not in uk so not sure how legal aid works)

He can be a part of a fathers rights group all he wants but that does not mean he gets to be a bully.

I'm sorry you're going through this. When you moved to the refuge did you declare the abuse? Call Women's Aid and start to gather your evidence of the abuse and your reasonable agreement to contact so far.

I’d actively encourage him to go via court.

He’s no chance if 50/50 custody and a court won’t change arrangements unless it’s in the child’s best interests.

Keep all emails and texts, you can prove what kind of man he is, you can represent yourself too.

As for csa, again let him do it, or you could use the online calculator, I suspect he’s not paying you enough anyway so they may up his payments. Or you could do it yourself

curb what do you mean by declare abuse? I didn't ask to go there but the local charity who runs it said they thought it was in my best interests to go there.
I don't qualify for legal aid as my earnings are higher than they say however I have alot of bills and outgoings which it didn't ask for online? Maybe run it past someone?
I really don't think I could afford court on my own, i know he would he able to though.
I have a year's worth of messages. However I don't know if I have ones from when we split as I've changed phones since then.
We were civil and I thought our arrangement was fair. And now he is messing all of this up and he is putting our son in the middle of it. I'm so upset

We were civil and I thought our arrangement was fair

Your arrangement is more than fair, any solicitor he sees will tell him so, given your past a court would be more likely to reduce his contact than anything. I would hazard a guess that he knows this and he's just trying to scare you.

He is used to being able to manipulate you through abuse, that's all he's trying here. He does not control you any more.

Post in legal and see if anyone has any advice on legal help, keep everything he sends you and call his bluff, if he wants to fight, you will win. He wants you to believe otherwise only so that he can control you.

I'd let him take you to court. He's trying to scare you so probably won't as court would reduce his contact to every other weekend. You're in a vulnerable position without a court order though as if he refuses to bring your son back after contact there is nothing you can do to get him to give him back unless there is a court order in place.

What shartgolblin says

Try and get yourself a DV officer - because you will learn a shed load of stuff about him and his behaviours and actually have your eyes opened even further. Effectively as your child is growing up he is training them to behave towards you like he does (hence your fears of turning him against you) and using presents and money to control him.

Document all his threats to you even if its just you diarising and writing them out.

The system is very familiar with how he operates and how those like him operate but it is slow to grind out outcomes for people like yourself - so the more you do to wise up, evidence and get support NOW the better

A friend has similar issues to you but thank fully her DD is older and has the right to say "naff off" to him. Sadly for her this includes siblings that he has groomed turning against her (the child) in the nastiest way. Deal with it now and close him down. I would try and get to court myself for a Child Arrangements order to set in place what the arrangements are at least for the next few years.

The thing is though how do I stop him turning my son against him? He already is saying I don't want to be at mummy house I want to be with daddy. And I want to see daddy not mummy. Breaks my heart.

Against me*

Fathers for Justice by chance? They’re not well perceived by the courts as far as I’m aware. They certainly weren’t 15 years ago. Angry men, tantrumming that their ex wouldn’t fall into line

Can you stop contact if theres no court order in place? If he has been abusive in the past and is trying to emotionally manipulate your son into turning against you I think thats grounds to stop access? As it stands he could decide to not give your son back after his contact and there would be nothing you or the police could do about it as he has parental rights and theres no court order in place. Only you know if he is the type to try this. Personally I would be allowing no more access and taking it through the courts. At least with a court order it puts an end to these power plays and you have the safety of knowing he has to return your ds.

gem that's it fathers for justice. He is just the type of person to join in with their angry rants about women.
I'm also scared about what he would do to me if I stopped contact all together he does scare me even though he hasn't been physically abusive to me before. I know what type of person he is.

Amazona there is an organisation called match mothers, match being mothers apart from their children which obviously you aren't, but often the reason they are apart is because the father alienated the child against the mother. It might be worth having a look at their website as they do have resources about alienation, just a thought

Thanks spider I will def have a look!