Posting here for traffic as really need a quick reality check.
I know this has been said a million times before, but I really do still love DH. I really want to adore him as much as I did before dc.
He is gorgeous, he used to be a really good friend, and he loves the dc.
But everytime I have any cause to remember the last few years I feel an intense rage and loathing for him, quickly followed by guilt for not doing as I said I would and moving on.
Without too many details (because I know he looks through here sometimes to see if I ever post as he knows I use mumsnet) he ruined my first pregnancy and the first years of dd's life. He was an angry, verbally horrible drunk who would scream in my face that he thought I was a slag and was cheating (I wasn't) That stopped when I threatened to leave.
Now he just makes passive aggressive digs about me being lazy when he's had a few. I have a disability and he is my carer, he puts a few loads of laundry in, cooks twice and helps load the dishwasher. He tells his family that he does EVERYTHING and seems to not notice or ignores what I do.
He's hurt me deeply by having online sex chats with young girls/women he used to know.
Tonight I've just exploded seemingly out of nowhere.
The dc have been very difficult to deal with during the night, dd has autism and ds has been very unwell. I came down slightly wound up (never to the dc but felt i needed to vent a little downstairs) at how it felt like I've never had a night off in years, as even when things are going well I'm up and down like a yo yo. He started lecturing me about how I should be dealing with them/bedroom arrangements...and I snapped. Over a silly thing like that.
Shouted at him that if he was actually going to do any of the night time parenting instead of sitting on videogames then he would be welcome to do it how he wanted to.
He said 'Fuck off'.
Now I feel guilty. I jist cant seem to let go of all this bile and resentment thats built up over the years. I feel like I'm being selfish for just wanting to give up. Counselling cant help this can it?