To post here in the hope of more responses

[Everybodylovesablankie]

I posted in relationships but only got one response and really need some advice. I’d link to that thread but don’t know how! I just really need some advice. I married young and had 3 children, he was my first and we just fizzled out by mutual agreement. I had a few dates but never really fancied anyone or felt any sort of spark or interest. I had a few nights out with some gay friends and had a couple of experiences with women which felt “right” for want of a better word. Never anything serious as I was a single mum to 3 and also working full time. I did meet one girl who I felt like I could see myself settling down with and things felt the way I’d always imagined a relationship should feel, so I tried to tell my family that I was gay. However they dismissed me saying I was being ridiculous, I didn’t know what I was talking about and that I was too inexperienced and basically wouldn’t hear any more about it. My oldest brother said I should be thinking about my kids and that of course I couldn’t be gay because I had had them and been married! After a couple of years I started to date a friends brother, we have been together 10 years now and have a 7 year old. We get on ok he makes me laugh and my family love him but it’s like living with my brother, I have no interest in being close to him or intimate at all. I feel so guilty, he deserves a partner who finds him attractive and I feel I’ve taken the cowards way out. I feel like I’ve tried so hard to be what’s expected of me for so long that I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know what I hope to get out of any replies I get, I just need to feel someone is actually listening to me as there is no one in real life I can confide in.

I’m listening. I’m sorry your family haven’t been supportive. What outcome would you like to achieve? Are you wanting to leave your partner and start afresh?

I'm listening too OP Does your partner know how you feel?

@grubbyhipsterbeard thank you. The be honest, I don’t know, I just want to feel at peace with myself. I’m so worn out from living like this it’s like being a full time actor. I’m scared to death because my family wouldn’t support me if I ended my relationship. My mum died a year ago and that changed family dynamics even more as now there’s me and 4 brothers and my dad, I don’t have anyone left to talk to.

I think for your children to be happy, YOU need to be happy, content and mentally settled. You’re obviously conscientious of your children and how you make others feel but this is your life.

So sorry to hear about your mum

@DBN1 thank you. My partner has asked me if I am gay, probably because I never want to have sex or cuddle up with him. I have thought about trying to explain how I feel but don’t know how to start, I can’t make sense of my feelings for myself let alone for him.

I know it’s tough OP but I think talking to your partner might be a good first step, for all your sakes

I think it would maybe be a good idea to talk to someone in real life. I presume that you are UK based? I live elsewhere so I'm not sure what services there are available but I would think that there are charity helplines you could call?
I'm so sorry that you feel so isolated. Is there anyone you feel close enough too to confide in?

I am in the UK, yes. I know I do need to speak to my partner but I don’t feel I can do it now, I know that he loves me and that I am going to blow his world apart, I feel so guilty about that and even more so when it’s a week before Christmas. And then there’s our little boy, I’m so worried about changing his world and unsettling him. My other children are young adults now and are all living happy lives, I thought I could maybe wait til he’s older too but that’s not fair on my partner and I can’t bear the thought of never being really happy and continuing living a fake life.

@kneesbend thank you. I don’t even know how I’d start a conversation with my partner, how do you begin to tell someone that you feel you’re living a lie?

Oh love, you sound so unhappy. Please talk to someone, preferably now. As I said before, I don't know what there is available there but I do know that there's always a helpful ear at the Samiratan's. Here's a link. They've helped me out in the past....
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

If you’re not comfortable, could you write a letter? Is that an option to you?

Have you thought about contacting an organisation that supports LGBT people? I think there's an organisation called Switchboard. If you google you might find something that resonates with you.

I hope that you are able to find the right support, and that you find that peace within you.

Thankyou for the replies and sorry for the delay in coming back to post, my little boy isn’t very well. I definitely do need to speak to someone initially but I don’t know what’s in my area or where to start, will have a google. I live in a small town and work in a small office, it’s so difficult, I just want to feel like I fit somewhere. I do have a friend at work that I get on well with, and have thought about confiding in her but I don’t know if I dare or where to start. Maybe ringing a switchboard and talking to a stranger is easier, I don’t know.

I hope you're little boy is feeling better this morning.
If you think you can the please do try to talk to a helpline or your work friend. I can imagine you might feel very lonely, not being able to be yourself