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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At my wits end with arguing dd's.

27 replies

Meadowflowers · 17/12/2018 19:37

Just that really10yo, 13yo and 17yo. They argue all the time and they are so nasty to each other. Unfortunately they have to share a bedroom as I have ds as well. I just don't know what to do with them and I am constantly playing referee to their nastiness. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 17/12/2018 20:16

There is such a big age gap its no wonder they fight. Its particularly difficult for the 17 year old with a 10 year old in the same room.
If its any consolation l had a few sisters of various ages and we fought a lot but now at an older age we are best friends . So don't despair. I presume dd17 will be heading off to college soon which will ease things but it must be tricky for her to get any study done..

Grannyannex · 17/12/2018 20:21

See if you can give each child positive 1:1 daily.

wictional · 17/12/2018 20:22

I think they’re just on top of each other, OP. They need their own space.

Cherries101 · 17/12/2018 20:23

Why does the ds get a room by himself when the 3 girls need to share? In this situation there should be 2 kids in each room.

iamyourequal · 17/12/2018 20:27

You have 4 children. Surely you weren’t expecting a quiet life? Sorry I don’t have much to suggest, I guess three girls cooped up in the one room is a strain for all (except your son). Hopefully they will grow up and appreciate it as ‘character building’ good luck!

adaline · 17/12/2018 20:27

I'm not surprised if none of them get their own space.

Can you not put two in each room and put a divider in each?

OneToThree · 17/12/2018 20:31

Change the sleeping arrangements if possible. Turn dining room into a bedroom for example.
Have a family meeting and explain how their arguing is affecting you.
Try ignoring them completely when they argue.

MargotLovedTom1 · 17/12/2018 20:31

Not if the son is 15 (for example) and has the box room!

Sorry OP, have got no suggestions but do sympathise.

SaucyJack · 17/12/2018 20:37

I think it’s quite normal to bicker when none of them get any personal space. Mine do.

How big is your son’s room? Maybe putting 2+2 in each room would work better.

I know people get a bit squeamish about boys and girls sharing, but it really isn’t fair him to have a room to himself, with three in the other room.

Alpacanorange · 17/12/2018 20:43

3 girls will argue. Mine all have their own room and still argue. Ignore when possible.

BlueJay1 · 17/12/2018 20:55

3 girls in one bedroom. At 17 your teen should be given her own space. That's quite unfair I think and no wonder they argue, they have no privacy.

Celebelly · 17/12/2018 21:09

Ouch three in one bedroom, one 17 and one 10. I'm not surprised they are arguing all the time! Is there anything you can do to create more space or at least the illusion of space? Wall dividers? Splitting son's room and moving one of the girls in there? Any budget for a garden room? A room in the house that can be repurposed?

Unfortunately if you have three people sharing a small space, not to mention teenage hormones, there are going to be blow-ups. At 17, I would have found sharing with a 10-year-old bloody awful. If there's no way to resolve, you'll just have to grin and bear it until the 17-year-old moves out I think.

ChikiTIKI · 17/12/2018 21:39

I only have a baby so don't have first hand parenting advice but seeing it from the other side I would say don't worry about intervening too much with sibling arguments. I used to fall out with my siblings but we get along great now. We learned how to get along in our own way and squabbles here and there as children made us understand each other better now we are adults.

If you stop all of the disagreements and arguments then it might be harder for them to find a way to get along in the long term and they might not get along naturally later in life.

It must be so annoying though, if I could look back on the way me and my siblings treated each other I would be very embarrassed and ashamed!

Original poster
Meadowflowers · 17/12/2018 23:17

There's 2 boys in the other bedroom. I have 3 dd's and my dh has 2 ds's. They bith live with us as well apart from weekends. When they were younger they did share bedrooms but my lovely exh reported me to ss for having mixed sex teens in the same room. We had to separate them all after that. I wish I could move to a bigger house but we just simply cannot afford it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meadowflowers · 17/12/2018 23:18

Btw, the 17yo and 10yo get along fine. It's the 17yo and 13yo that argue all the time.

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 17/12/2018 23:24

Well I would assume your 17 year old will be moving out in a year or so and your problem will be solved! If I had to share a room with my two younger sisters I'd be gone the moment I could manage it.

adaline · 18/12/2018 05:43

The 17yo and the 13yo will both be absolutely full of hormones. Is there really no way you can give the eldest a bit more privacy?

knittedjest · 18/12/2018 05:52

Siblings fight. All mine fought like cats and dogs, both the boys and girls. They had their own rooms so don't think that's the issue. If it's any consolation all but one are adults now, live out of home or in halls and are all super close and hang out with each other of their own volution. Somebody is always fighting with somebody else but as a rule nobody else get involved unless it remains an active fight for longer than a week. It never does and they may remain cool with each other for a while but eventually things go back to normal. Siblings fighting is normal.

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 18/12/2018 06:19

2 bedrooms for 5 kids is going to cause arguments.
17,13 and 10 is such a big age gap in terms of maturity and stage of life.
17yo is no doubt craving some independence and privacy, she's nearly an adult - is she moving to uni soon? I imagine she'll be desperate to get away to her own space.

Is there really no way you can offer them any space? No spare rooms at all?

ApolloandDaphne · 18/12/2018 06:49

I have 5 years between my DDs at 12 and 17 they hated each other. Thankfully they didn't need to share a room. I just wanted to say that things started to get better when DD1 went to uni at 18 and DD2 started to grow up a bit too. At 26 and 21 they now get on very well. Hopefully yours will start getting on better soon.

Troels · 18/12/2018 08:24

Stop playing the referee. If there's no audience it will reduce. My mother used to shout as she left the room "let me know if theres any blood or broken bones" and she'd go off to the kitchen and out the radio on.

EmpressAdultHumanFemale · 20/12/2018 05:30

My DSis & I (4 year difference) didn't even start to get on until I left for university, and that was with our own rooms. We're really close now.

Maybe they'll get on better when they're not so on top of each other.

Barbie222 · 20/12/2018 10:10

Your house is too small for the needs of your blended family. I'm sorry to say this, but I wouldn't have joined families in this situation. I'd have been unhappy with my daughters sharing rooms with randoms too, and I'm surprised you thought this was a good idea at the time. You'll have to see it as the price you're paying for the privilege of living with your partner.

Barbie222 · 20/12/2018 10:11

Not sure if it's you that's totally paying the price, now I think of it.

Write · 20/12/2018 10:18

I would have reported my ex if he had my DDs sharing with random teen boys. I think you have done your daughters a massive disservice here. What was your living arrangement before DH and his boys moved in?