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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a whinge?

23 replies

AveAtqueVale · 17/12/2018 17:09

The final exams for my degree are in three weeks. My flat (which we're in the process of trying to sell) is a shit tip. My eldest (currently undergoing an ASD assessment) is either pinging off the walls with excitement or having screaming meltdowns because of Christmas and all the changes to routine. I specifically said I wasn't hosting Christmas this year and somehow have ended up hosting Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, mostly for DH's family. My mother, despite being only in her 60s and in relatively good health has required my help with half her Christmas shopping, and is continually moaning to me about the fact she's not spending Christmas with us, despite the fact SHE DECIDED NOT TO.

And now I have shingles. Fucking shingles! And the worst thing is DS2 has never had chicken pox so is undoubtedly going to catch it from my shingles. Probably just in time for these exams. WIBU to emigrate?

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 17/12/2018 17:14

Tell everyone now that you’re ill and won’t be hosting.

Go on. Right now. Do it!

Confusedbeetle · 17/12/2018 17:16

Sorry to hear about your snags. Have a bit of good news, your son will not catch chicken pox from your shingles. The virus has remained in your system since you had CP and has re awakened. Some people believe stress plays a part, so I suggest you blame everyone and play the sick role

Imalittleelf · 17/12/2018 17:17

I would call off hosting so.they still have time to get their own food.

You don't want to pass on shingles especially to anyone pregnant or immunesupressant

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 17/12/2018 17:18

Well for a start YANBU at all. Shingles is grim, so Flowers for you and call round and cancel everything over Christmas because you’re not well and need peace!

MrsPatrickDempsey · 17/12/2018 17:24

Sorry - I did catch CP from shingles.
I agree - cancel your guests and put yourself first.

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 17/12/2018 17:24

MIL is actually here as we speak. She's coming for Christmas dinner. I texted DH (hiding in the bedroom revising) and told him to tell her that if I'm not feeling better in a couple of days then a) we can go to hers for Christmas lunch, or b) she's still welcome to come here but we'll be having oven pizza and chips. She has said 'oh no we can't do that. We need to do something for the boys.' They are 4 and 1. The eldest doesn't even bloody like roast. They'd rather have pizza. She's now suggested she comes here and cooks. That's worse...

OP posts:
Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 17/12/2018 17:27

The hosting actually isn't too bad, but I think you're all right. It's my mum and DH's dad on Christmas eve. I think I'll say to my mum's we'll go over to her instead for a few hours and just tell DH's dad I'm not well. He's meant to be staying with us overnight which he can still do as he's very low maintenance.

Then Boxing Day is SIL, her DP and four kids. Actually don't know if her youngest has had CP yet...

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/12/2018 17:29

Stand your ground OP. Tell her it's not happening.

Can you go to your mothers so he can deal with his family?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2018 17:33

Op, there are times in life when you MUST put your foot down and stand your grown. You are poorly. Your eldest child is overwrought and you also have a baby to deal with. You are stressed to the limit and your home is understandably not ready for guests. Tell your husband and everyone else that you ARE NOT hosting Christmas. Put yourself first this year because you deserve it.

KeepCalm · 17/12/2018 17:34

No is a full sentence.

You are ill.

And if you're more polite 'no am sorry, this no longer suits' is a longer full sentence ...

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 17/12/2018 18:55

I can’t go to my mum’s - she’s going to her cousin’s and won’t want to change plans. I also don’t want to be away from DC really. I’m actually feeling worse and worse though so may revise that plan.

Went out to say hi to MIL briefly and she told me I didn’t look that ill and am I sure it’s shingles Hmm. Yes I’m fucking sure it’s shingles - I’ve been revising for medical school finals for the last month! I’m seeing bloody rashes in my sleep! Not to mention the fact an actual qualified GP diagnosed it as such mere hours ago. But when her aunty’s cat’s third cousin twice removed’s budgie had it it didn’t look like this, so I’m obviously making it up. Argh.

OP posts:
frippit · 17/12/2018 19:08

Hi op I had shingles and the GP told me that I could only pass it on to others if they touched the rash whilst it was blisters. I had the rash on my shoulder and had been carrying my 1 year old granddaughter round. She didn't catch CP tho.
Make something good out of something bad. Use your shingles as the reason you can't host. Say you don't want to pass CP on to everyone.
Also when I was diagnosed I actually felt very unwell for a few days like flu. My neck gland swelled up and anything touching the rash was irritating and painful.
Sometimes people just refuse to accept the situation, especially if they're used to you doing everything. Be firm, take control, good luck.

OffToBedhampton · 17/12/2018 19:53

Seriously OP, stop going out. Stop running around free others. Send anyone that doesn't live at your house (back to their) home. Look after your DC and only your DC, but DH can take charge of DC. BECAUSE you're ILL! You're contagious! Shock.... You've finals in 3 weeks.. Jeez please.... Say No to everything else including to visitors "to help you"!!!

Cos that's enough now! No to hosting Xmas Eve,
Xmas Day or Boxing day to anyone. ... You don't need to "wait and see", you've shingles now! And you can just cancel and arrange to see everyone in few weeks "away from 'pox central' (your house)"...

Xmas is next Tuesday. You'll have no time to buy and prepare for Xmas period meals for visitors being ill and shouldn't be spreading this. Make it easy for yourself, you've a full on excuse to withdraw!

Treat yourself to a quiet effort free Xmas whilst you recover!!

MumW · 17/12/2018 20:08

Pizza and chips and a quiet family day sounds just what the doctor ordered.
Tell them you'll host an unofficial Christmas after you've recovered from your finals. and then forget Xmas Wink

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 18/12/2018 09:02

Right! I’ve made a decision. DH is telling MIL later that Christmas dinner is cancelled. She is still welcome to come but we will be having bung in the oven stuff or ordering in an Indian. If she has a preference she can state it, and if she’s annoyed then she’s very welcome not to come.

FIL is no longer staying Christmas Eve night. He’s going to pop round Christmas morning and says he’ll bring breakfast. Which knowing him will basically consist of chocolate buttons, so that’s a win.

I’ve informed my mum that any further Christmas shopping she needs doing she’ll have to do herself, and asked if we can go over there for a few hours on Christmas Eve instead of her coming here all day, which she’s fine with.

For Boxing Day we’re still trying to work out what to do about SIL. We don’t really want to cancel as they live a long way away and are in the area anyway visiting other family. DH’s suggestion is we feed them pasta bake and garlic bread, which is one of his few culinary staples, so he can be in charge of that. And tell them I’m feeling rough and ask them only to stay a couple of hours. Which I suspect they’ll also be fine with as they’ve got a long drive home and SIL is lovely.

In terms of the flat I’ve pleaded with the lovely lady who cleans for us to do an extra two hours tomorrow (she normally does two hours once a fortnight) to help get everything sorted. Will easily save the money on the non-turkey so pleased with that.

Oh and I’m not going to the school carol service this morning either, because DS1 won’t give a monkeys if I’m there or not! Thank you all for giving me a bit of backbone about this!

OP posts:
showmethegin · 18/12/2018 09:39

ROUND OF APPLAUSE! OP you are amazing! Have a lovely relaxing Christmas and good luck with your finals!

Imalittleelf · 18/12/2018 10:33

Well done. Sounds much better and more relaxed!

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 12:42

Oh brilliant OP, I’m so glad! I hope that you feel better soon (although don’t let on to anyone else that you do Wink) and I’m so happy that the majority of pressure has been taken off your shoulders!

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 18/12/2018 21:53

Ok, so slight update:

MIL was NOT HAPPY. Rang DH back and said what about getting everything frozen from Cook. Ignored DH saying he didn’t think I’d want to do that and texted me instead. I have refused on the basis it will be just as much hassle doing all the timings etc and probably less nice than homemade. Not to mention eyewateringly expensive. So now she’s not speaking to me 🤷‍♀️.

OP posts:
Imalittleelf · 18/12/2018 22:25

Op I swear Christmas just brings out the worst side of families... currently going through a angry /upset /feeling sick thing at the moment

Just do what you want to do and is best for you and they can fit in to it if they want

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 22:30

Enjoy the silence OP Wink

gamerchick · 19/12/2018 08:16

What is it with people trying to get around a firm no? Angry nothing boils my piss more. Stick to your guns OP and enjoy the peace.

MumW · 19/12/2018 09:28

So now she’s not speaking to me 🤷‍♀️.

Clouds & silver linings! Xmas Grin

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