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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy my friends

25 replies

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 17/12/2018 15:28

The social convention of gift giving. I like giving gifts but not receiving them. I find the entire gift getting experience stressful.

So is it ok for me to buy my friends presents without telling them I’m getting them anything therefore ensuring they won’t buy me anything.

As I’m visiting different friends a couple of days before Christmas my plan is to place them with other presents under the tree or leave them with the tag on in the guest room or with their parents before I leave.

Is that weird? I mean it’s not typical but is it creepy weird?

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 17/12/2018 15:29

They will feel guilty that they have not got you anything and then they will buy you something next Christmas.

Confusedbeetle · 17/12/2018 15:30

No, it's not nice. You will embarrass them. If you don't like getting presents then ask your friends not to buy them but don't embarrass them by giving

TeenTimesTwo · 17/12/2018 15:30

I don't think it is weird, but I think your friends will end up feeling bad and wrong-footed.

If you are staying with them however, you could make it a 'thank you for having me to stay' gift rather than a Christmas gift.

wink1970 · 17/12/2018 15:30

OP don't do that; they will be embarrassed and I know you don't want to achieve that.

If it makes you so uncomfortable, just ask that none of you buy anything for the other. Taking a bottle/flowers/chocolates for the host doesn't count as a 'present', imho, so you can still enjoy giving.

Brakebackcyclebot · 17/12/2018 15:37

If you left me a gift, I would feel embarrassed and awkward if I hadn't bought you one. I would feel very uncomfortable with receiving a gift from you and feeling that I haven't reciprocated. It's even worse when I don't WANT to reciprocate! So you might buy me a gift, I don't want to buy you a gift, but your buying me one would make me wonder if you were now annoyed that I hadn't.

I don't know if that even made sense!

You need to be honest with your friends, and tell them you want to give them a gift, but do not want any in return.

easyandy101 · 17/12/2018 15:45

If you bought me a gift, and we don't normally exchange gifts I'd think that was sweet

Original poster
NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 17/12/2018 16:37

Awesome thanks for the responses. Smile I'm autistic so can misjudge social niceties and conventions because they just don't make any sense to me. I could in theory give the gift I have for one friend as a birthday present because that's what I'm visiting him for but I've already done a small birthday box for him with a different friend as a joint present that we gave him last week (we weren't sure if we'd see him on his actual birthday) so that would look like I'm showing her up. The gift is a pair of Cookie Monster pjs and socks (referencing an inside joke) and a metal earth TIE fighter kit. So nothing large or expensive because I have a limited income and buy during sales. My female friend has a Pascal (from tangled) tree ornament that she really wants but doesn't want to buy herself because it's over a tenner for a tree ornament and a penguin hot water bottle.

OP posts:
JustABetterPlayer · 17/12/2018 16:39

It’s fine if you tell them in advance, but I think I’d feel VERY awkward if someone randomly gave me a gift and I had nothing to give in return.

wink1970 · 18/12/2018 06:48

They sound great presents OP!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 18/12/2018 07:18

They sound great presents and leaving them as a surprise is funny Smile

But you do run the risk that they will do the same to you, as PP said!

When they contact you to say thanks, just explain that you really don't enjoy getting presents but do enjoy giving them, so please don't feel obliged to ever get you anything. If they are very persistent, say they can treat you to a drink (or something) next time you see them.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 18/12/2018 07:58

Just be honest and and explain you love giving gifts but find receiving them stressful so would rather not get any in return. I would totally understand if any of my autistic friends said that to me.

TeenTimesTwo · 18/12/2018 07:59

Actually, in a way I think now you have explained you have ASD I think you could get away with it.
Could you say something like "I know we don't exchange presents and as you know with my ASD I find surprises tricky, but I saw these and thought you'd like them".

BarbaraofSevillle · 18/12/2018 08:47

But they will feel obliged to buy things for you next year, and may also be uncomfortable about the surprise, ie they may feel the same as you about receiving unexpected presents, especially when they haven't reciprocated.

You risk getting into an endless cycle of gift giving for ever more and no-one needs that. If adults need things like socks or pyjamas, nearly everyone is perfectly capable of buying their own.

'Host' gifts (chocolates, wine or flowers/plants) are fine as they don't have to store/use them, but not 'things'.

Taffeta · 18/12/2018 08:52

I’m giving three of my friends gifts this year, because I want to. I don’t want anything in return.

I’m not telling them as I don’t want them to feel obliged to buy me anything.

Fortunately they are all hosting gatherings over Christmas so I shall just give them the gift then, so it’s almost more like a host gift rather than a Christmas gift, iykwim. (and therefore doesn’t need to be reciprocated)

wijjy · 18/12/2018 09:39

If you leave them under the tree then they are christmas presents and most people would want to reciprocate or feel embarrased that they hadn't.

But you can give people presents anytime, for housewarming, when you visit, and there is no real social pressure to reciprocate.

So give your presents, just don't wrap them in christmas paper and no surprises and say explicitly that they are not christmas presents.

MrsJayy · 18/12/2018 09:44

Your presents sound fab and very thoughtful your friends have probably got you something if you are meeting up,but be upfront with the present giving you wil make it awkward if you just leave it under the tree .

Pachyderm1 · 18/12/2018 09:45

No, that isn’t nice. You will embarrass them and make them feel guilty. They will think you tricked them to be passive aggressive.

either don’t do gifts at all, or make yourself smile and say thanks when you get something.

Pachyderm1 · 18/12/2018 09:47

(I agree with PPs that it’s ok if you explain in advance that you want to give and not receive. But you can’t just do it without that discussion)

hazell42 · 18/12/2018 09:50

But you are denying them the same pleasure that you get from gift giving. Why would you do that to a friend? Add to that their own embarrassment at not getting you one and you will have made them really miserable. Is that what you were going for? Either spare their feelings and buy them nothing or accept their gifts with good grace. You cant give your cake and eat it too

Original poster
NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 18/12/2018 10:15

If they’ve bought me something I’d not refuse it or make them feel bad. I don’t want to upset or embarrass my friends, and I deplore the notion of giving to receive, which to me is the entire point of discussing gift giving IMO, the I’m buying you something so you need to buy me something and then we can swap rather than actually buying something because you want to or have thought about your friends.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 18/12/2018 10:20

But exchanging gifts between loved ones is nice it isn't about giving to receive it is about exchaging gifts with people you likeSmile

Taffeta · 18/12/2018 10:29

If they’ve bought me something I’d not refuse it or make them feel bad. I don’t want to upset or embarrass my friends, and I deplore the notion of giving to receive, which to me is the entire point of discussing gift giving IMO, the I’m buying you something so you need to buy me something and then we can swap rather than actually buying something because you want to or have thought about your friends.

I’m so with you on all of this.

I may or may not buy them gifts next year. This year, one really needs the gift I’ve got them, and the other two I saw stuff I knew they’d love. I might not next year, in which case I won’t hive them a gift.

LucieMorningstar · 18/12/2018 10:33

I’m with you op, I’m not keen on receiving gifts. I’ve bought my friend and her husband a gift voucher for their favourite restaurant for Christmas. They won’t get me anything but that’s ok because I don’t expect anything! I don’t buy to receive but i do understand that they may feel awkward about receiving it but that’s when I’ll talk to them and discuss it.

MrsPeacockDidIt · 18/12/2018 10:37

I’ve done similar with a particular group of friends this year. We don’t normally exchange gifts but I saw something relevant to our friendship group and as it was cheap bought same thing for all of them. I then texted them and said I’d sent something but to please not reciprocate as it was a small gesture meant to be funny. I didn’t want them rushing out to get me something in return which they would have felt they needed to do.

newmun · 18/12/2018 10:47

Suggest going out for a meal instead of presents ? I cant be bothered to read previous comments so not sure if already suggested 😂

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