Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not tell family about my girlfriend (bisexual and they assume I'm straight) ?

56 replies

rereetv · 17/12/2018 12:51

I have been seeing a woman for 7 months and really like her.
I've dated men before but sleeping with them was always horrific for me.
I really like this woman but she feels like my dirty little secret.
Nobody knows about her friends /family
I don't know how to do it.
I'm scared of judgement
Aibu here?

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 17/12/2018 12:56

You know your family better than anyone. Maybe start with friends who are less judgmental/emotionally involved. Sometimes family can get used to the idea of a gay relationship first, before the awkwardness of meeting the person. Have you met her family? Traditionally a gay partner was always accepted in my family as "The special friend" and the whole truth never faced although everyone knew. For 20nyears living together! You shouldn't have to keep her secret but do whatever works for you and your family

LittleLongDog · 17/12/2018 13:00

I second beetles idea of starting with a friend. I bet they’ll be really happy for you to be in a relationship.

You might find this from Stonewall useful: www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/coming-out/coming-out-adult-1

Sethis · 17/12/2018 13:01

Generally speaking in 2018 people are fairly okay with it, however your mileage may vary depending on the individuals in your family. If you want to have this continue long term, you're going to have to tell them at some point and people generally take the 'I'm bi' news better if it isn't accompanied by 'and I've been lying to you for years and have a secret partner' news at the same time.

rereetv · 17/12/2018 13:01

Yeah I've met her family.
She has had lots of previous girlfriends.
Tbh I'm still confused myself and don't want to "out" myself just incase I'm not bisexual.
I do still find men attractive but very few and far between.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 17/12/2018 13:11

Does this not cause issues in your relationship with her OP? Saying she feels like a 'dirty' secret doesn't sound that healthy. At 7 months if it were going well she'd be reasonable to want to be meeting friends and family. Perhaps you could discuss it with her and she may be able to guide you.

Is there more to this than nerves - do you have reason to suspect your family and friends will object or are homophobic? Or is it your own issue with worrying they will see you differently, or perhaps some personal issues with your own sexuality you need to overcome. Obviously for some people 'coming out' leaves them in an unsafe situation, your OP doesn't really specify if that's the case for you or not so it's hard to advise to some extent. Perhaps consider why you are scared of judgement and from whom, and whether that has basis in fact or is just concern about rejection on your own part.

Being straight is not better than being otherwise, you shouldn't be made to feel as though you're admitting a deviance. Just because people might give an opinion doesn't mean you have to take it, you don't exist to be judged by others on this issue. That's not to say you have to rush to tell anyone but equally, if you really like her and this feels right for you, then don't do yourself the disservice of missing out on account of other people's judgement. Your sex life isn't their business and you might need to assert yourself on the issue if needs be.

EvaHarknessRose · 17/12/2018 13:24

Tell them - tell the family member you most want to tell, or just start talking about your girlfriend. If anyone asks why you didn’t telll up to now, just say ‘well, she is the first woman i’ve dated so I have kept it a little more private, but now seems as good a time as any’. Uncertainty sucks, but you might gain more from this than you will lose, in the long run at least.

recently · 17/12/2018 13:28

Tbh I'm still confused myself and don't want to "out" myself just incase I'm not bisexual.
Maybe I've missed something here but surely if you're having a sexual relationship with a woman and have had with men then you ARE bisexual - that doesn't mean you will always now have to date both sexes 50:50 from now on!

AdamNichol · 17/12/2018 13:31

Tbh I'm still confused myself and don't want to "out" myself just incase I'm not bisexual.

Do you need to categorise yourself (especially if you're not ready)? You met a person. You like this person. Does it need more analysis?

greendale17 · 17/12/2018 13:34

You are bisexual. Don’t kid yourself

LittleLongDog · 17/12/2018 13:52

I agree completely @AdamNichol

You don’t have to say “Guess what, I’m bi now!” You can say “I’ve been seeing someone and I’d like you meet her.”

rereetv · 17/12/2018 14:11

I think I'm over thinking it.
I'm worried once I tell my friends they might look at me different.
When my friends stay over in hotels etc we share a bed and I'm worried this might make them think il try it on (I wouldn't because I deffo would never in a zillion years look at them like that )

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/12/2018 14:34

You might be overthinking, but the run up to Christmas is a fraught time emotionally for lots of people, and that can overspill into all sorts of areas of life.

Personally, I'd probably find it easier to tell a few friends than to tell family, as it's less all-or-nothing. And then maybe see how that feels?

I also agree that 'here is someone I'm seeing' is easier than 'big revelation: I'm bisexual'.

However, as always on these threads, I do think people are too quick to say stuff like Generally speaking in 2018 people are fairly okay with it. It's not true. My family were not wonderful, and I was gutted when a friend (otherwise supportive and not at all homophobic) responded by telling me if I were really serious about things, I should stop trying to date women and find a nice man to have children with. You never know what people will say or do, and therefore you shouldn't let anyone pressure you into coming out when you're not comfortable - they don't have to risk the responses, and you do.

FWIW, despite coming out in my teens, I still had to do it all over again to my family in my early 30s, because they simply didn't listen/believe it.

I can relate to the 'eek, maybe I'm not' worries, too. I think it's very normal.

rereetv · 17/12/2018 15:24

Yeah I think my friends would be easier to tell than family.
It just feels very daunting at the minute.
She is getting annoyed with me for keeping her hidden..more so with my friends than my family

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 17/12/2018 15:57

I have a very strong feeling one of my friends is gay, won't go into the reasons why. I just wish he'd come out with it. Nobody in our friendship group would treat him differently. It's like the elephant in the room. Kind of obvious. Makes me feel bad that he can't open up to us. Nobody would judge.

rereetv · 17/12/2018 16:09

My friends have made little comments about me too.
The last two years I've been on so many dates with men and not fancied any.
It's a bit of a running joke.
I forced myself to date someone for a few months but sleeping with him was difficult for me.

OP posts:
randomchap · 17/12/2018 16:19

If any of your friends or family do judge you then they are not worthy of being part of your life. If you've found someone who makes you happy then everyone who cares about you will be happy for you.

Canibuildasnowman · 17/12/2018 16:19

I had a bi girlfriend who pretended Inwas just a friend to her family. 18 months I put up with it before ditching her even though I adored her, I wasn’t going to go back in the closet for anyone.
And that was 25 years ago. If you want the relationship to go anywhere you’ll have to stop being ashamed of her, or being bi.

chestylarue52 · 17/12/2018 16:24

I'm bi and if you were in a relationship with me and still confused about whether you fancied women or not I'd be really upset!

If your friends are worried about you sexually assaulting them then they're not really friends.

Canibuildasnowman · 17/12/2018 16:25

You can literally just say, i’m Seeing someone, I really like her, her name is...
I found it easier coming out when I was involved with someone than the idea of telling everyone when I was single...

Canibuildasnowman · 17/12/2018 16:27

I’m a lesbian and not for one second so my friends think i’m Interested in them! Because proper friends know the difference. I’ve shared beds, rooms and changing room with straight friends. As a gay or bi woman you’re constantly in situations with women that you wouldn’t be if your were male. And that’s the point, we aren’t men and don’t think or behave like them.

rereetv · 17/12/2018 16:34

I really like her and for the first time in ages I actually enjoy the person I'm seeing.
I do find her really attractive too
One of my close friends has a friend who is gay and she has said to me she's wary of her when drunk ..I think that planted the seed of worry in my brain.

OP posts:
Canibuildasnowman · 17/12/2018 16:36

You really have two choices - stop being embarrassed about seeing a woman or lose her. How you you feel if someone was writing a thread saying they didn’t want to tell anyone that they were seeing YOU?

rereetv · 17/12/2018 16:40

It's not because of her,at the weekend we went away and I had no problem holding her hand or kissing her because I didn't have the worry of anyone I know seeing us.

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 17/12/2018 16:46

I would be very upset if I were here. I'm struggling to understand why you can't tell your family. Not necessarily about the label of bi, but about her specifically?

Canibuildasnowman · 17/12/2018 16:47

This relationship is over before it’s begun if that’s your attitude i’m Afraid...

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.