To think that discussion rather than ghosting someone is the mature thing to do

[worthygirl]

Recently fell out with a long term friend of 25 years because I chose to tell her something that she had done that upset me. She didn’t come out for a long planed dinner, told me she was ill but then posted pics on social media of her out with other people the same evening.

I was obviously upset and told her that I wasn’t prepared to put the legwork in anymore. She flipped out and asked me why I had told her this.

I could have just disappeared but I wanted her to know that she had upset me and feel that after 25 years of friendship, discussion is the mature thing to do.

Aibu to choose this approach? Someone else has said I should have just left it and vanished but I wanted her to know why- aibu?

I agree. You did right thing. Your friend 'flipped out' because you challenged her actions and she had to be accountable and answer for what she had done and the choice she made. She obviously didn't want to ,or ever expected to ,have that conversation with you. Her response was to deflect/flip out and make you feel bad for challenging her in the first place. Ghosting her would have left you without ever having got this off your chest, possibly leaving you to stew over it for years . Ghosting would also have given your friend an easy way out. I think you did right thing. You are probably hurting right now as your friend let you down but in time you will get over it and the fact that you spoke to her will free you from the pent up anger you may have felt over time. She should have respected you and your original commitment.

Generally, I think ghosting is lazy. As we see from many posts on here people are often left wondering what they did?? If a friendship or relationship has broken down/not working/not what a person needs right now etc , the brave thing to do is say and say why and end it. People who ghost, imho do it as they are not brave enough to confront and/or to deal with the issue.

You did the right thing OP. This happened to me a few months ago, I had a bit of a meltdown & phoned a long standing friend ( 25 years too) at completely the wrong moment for her.
She's ignored texts, phone calls and Facebook messages. If she's pissed off with me I just wish she'd said so. I've been really upset over it but now I'm not wasting any more headspace on it. She's not the person I thought she was 😢

In a way, my friends response has made me realise that I am glad I said what I said as it’s shown her true colours. It is upsetting though losing a long term friendship

I think your long term friendship ended when she blew you off at the last minute for another event. But I agree that saying something was the right thing to do. Best case, she'd have apologised profusely, explained why she did it and made you feel better. Worst case, your friendship is over. But if you'd just made a decision based on her behaviour on that night, your friendship was probably over anyway. So at least this way you gave her the chance to respond.

Under the circumstances, it is reasonable to discuss it.

The kind of thing where it could come to light that her long lost twin sister was the one out with other people (okay, very unlikely, but ... theoretically possible?) should be discussed.

Basically, the kind of thing where it is possible she didn't know she hurt you.

I have ended friendships over people being utter assholes to my face, and in those cases, I didn't consider any discussion necessary, as they knew very well why I didn't want anything to do with them anymore.

And of course there's those cases where someone is physically violent, or likely to become so. (More a problem with male friends who would like to be more).
Ghosting is much safer than confrontation there.

@bling you are right & I haven’t really had an explanation either- just a load of horrible texts. So yes, the friendship is over but as you say, it was anyway

@worthygirl you can block her now! Like other posters said the friendship was over a long time ago. I, you and others have all been there. We don't see the bus coming for a long while, or we do , but ignore for a host of reasons but then eventually something snaps in us all and what we feel about our treatment comes out. She is sending you nasty txts because she knows she has lost a diamond of a friend, through her own actions and neglect of you. She's lashing out because you have taken the control of you back. Block her, regroup your mind space , mourn the loss of the friendship you thought it was and look forward.

You did the right thing. Your friend os obviously a coward who can't handle confrontation (hence telling you she was sick then going out with other people). By telling her the truth you give her the option of reflecting on her actions and making amends or just fucking off. She's welcome to choose the latter option.

If you had just ghosted her you might have looked back and wondered but now she's helpfully provided you with a definitive answer - the friendship isn't worth saving.