To wonder why SM's get such a bad press

[PoesyCherish]

And to think the Dad's in question are even worse??

I'm so fed up of SMs being portrayed in films as evil and it's always oh the poor Dad. No! The poor DC! Not only have they often lost their Mum, their Dad won't even put them first.

I know there are some God-awful stepmums out there irl - who treat their SC like crap, see them as a burden, try to limit contact, begrudge maintenance being paid etc. But what the heck are the Dad's playing at in these situations? Are they just so selfish and spineless that they put their own desire for a relationship above the needs of their DC? They chose to bring life into the world (whether planned or not it was still a choice to have sex with their Mum), they have a moral and legal responsibility to protect their DC and yet they don't. Why are they not given a bad press? Aren't they worse than the stepmums / girlfriends?

Idk about films but my SM is quite selfish, monopolises my father and doesn’t seem to make any effort with me or my DB.

my SM is quite selfish, monopolises my father and doesn’t seem to make any effort with me or my DB.

That's awful! Why does your Dad stay with her??

As a SM to two grown up children I feel I have to stick up for us! My DH loves his children, always has, but until I came on the scene 13 years ago he didn't see them. I have a really close relationship with my own children and I encouraged him to get back in touch and to keep in touch. They don't live close to us and have their own lives, they didn't grow up with him in their lives much, but now we go to see them a couple of times a year, they know they are welcome to come to us, we do all the usual birthday/Christmas stuff, but we don't interfere. We got married a few years ago and his daughters went out with him on his 'stag' night. I love them both and I think they are fond of me. I think they both know that they can now rely on him. I know I am very lucky in that they are really nice people, but I think they are lucky too in that they have a SM who has brought them back together with their father again.

You sound lovely @possumgoddess and they're very lucky to have you.

I know stepmums and step families get a bad press. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but also the best. I love being part of a step family and feel so lucky to be a part of DSD's life.

It makes me so sad the way some stepmums talk about their SC. It makes me even sadder to think of the Dad's though as I feel they should be the ones sticking up for their DC.

My sm made my df choose.
Haven't seen him for nearly 20 years.

poseycherish because he doesn’t want to be lonely and he’s chosen her over his children.

Don’t get me wrong my dad is no treat either. But he’s moved over 3 hours away because of this woman and yet comolains because me and my brother don’t visit him every other weekend like we used to.

My DD’s step-mum is absolutely lovely.

I feel really privileged that she’s in my daughter’s life.

Are they just so selfish and spineless that they put their own desire for a relationship above the needs of their DC?

Yes, that's exactly it. Unfortunately as a society, we are way too focused on the 'single mum' and the fact that without exception, all single mums are benefit-scrounging scum who shouldn't have had children with men who don't pay for them (and a shift from dad's responsibility to mum's is made). In my experience, the step mum is, again without exception, always the better person where the mum is single. In those situations, step mum can do no wrong and is absolutely permitted to slag off mum, regardless of mum's working status or anything else. As a society we also focus on children as being women's work and women's sole responsibility so you get mothers/new partners/sisters/work colleagues happy to come up with some excuse as to why it's OK to slag off mum - usually along the lines of shegotthehouse/shegetsallthebenefits/sheearnsmore.

Sociologists call it something like the 'patriarchal bargain'. In other words, if we 'behave' as women - marriage, children, keep a clean home, keep ourselves thin and attractive, work a little outside the home but not so much that we earn more than our husbands, revel in our husband's successes etc. then we are afforded a respectable status and left alone. If we divorce, enjoy one night stands, chat with someone else's husband on the school run or have multiple children by multiple fathers, then we deserve everything we get.

None of this applies to men who are perfect cads when they get multiple women pregnant and amazing step fathers for 'taking on' someone else's child. That women are frequently blamed for getting pregnant and keeping a child against the man's wishes is about the peak of this attitude and is an attitude frequently seen on these boards. Very depressing we haven't moved on whatsoever.

That's so lovely @JacquesHammer

I totally agree with you @ohreallyohreallyoh